I am thinking of seasons now. Reflective of the course in which my life is going. That the time of “Thanksgiving” comes in the fall when leaves turn colors and fall is like a page out of my life right now.
I went home to my mother’s for Thanksgiving. I had not been for a visit since the accident and blowout. My nerves were understandably frayed and the steering wheel probably has imprints from where I gripped it so hard as I was driving.
Going home, such a vaunted idea and put forward as a time of celebration. Going home for me, was a look into the future about to come a la Charles Dickens. It is as I am sure some of you reading will attest to, hard to watch your parents age. I had that moment during this visit where I realized that my mother was aging and I saw and noticed it. I said nothing of course my goal was to spend some time because I know she doesn’t have much of anything else going on besides taking care of HER mother – my grandmother.
My eyes constantly felt the burn and sting of tears the whole time I was there. Thankfully I managed to hold onto them and not shed one single tear while there. My grandmother is pretty much confined to her bed now and rarely gets up. Just typing that hurts because the images of her walking me to school in the snow and running around cleaning house will not fade. The contrast is so striking that it feels like a physical blow. She still recognizes me but it is so damned hard seeing her in bed tiny as she is and pretty much helpless.
I brought her the chocolate that I promised her the last time I was there for a visit. She was sleeping when I left but I made sure to remind my mother to let her know I left them there and I will call and speak to her on the phone to make sure she got some. Its the least I can do for the woman who literally raised me. It is in fact right now, given the current paradigm all I can do. Knowing this brings no comfort at all. I played this song that she used to sing around the house till my head hurt remembering and my eyes burned like fire with the tears I refused to shed.
My mother is finally starting to show signs of aging. She is starting to slow down a bit which I noticed the kitchen not as immaculate as it usually is. She cooked but not as much as she normally does. I felt so much sadness there….seeing things as they were…and knowing there’s really not much of anything that I can do. It left me feeling heartbroken and somewhat lost.
I picked up on the fact that my mother really wished I could have stayed longer. It hurt my heart to the core to leave. In spite of all our troubles and disagreements I have no hate in my heart for her and my spirit sinks thinking about her alone taking care of her mother while I am two hours drive away. I felt the loneliness from her like the impact of a Mack truck.
After all these years I know her, and I know how hard it was for her not to ask me to stay and to try and cram in everything she wanted to say and do into the short time I was there.
My soul feels very heavy.
Yet I have to work and make a living, and I could not do so there I tried for three years unsuccessfully and could not find a job until I left.
The tableau weighs very heavy on my heart and even now the tears threaten. To what point would be tears now…..fall is followed by Winter’s cold and the seasons progress as they have done from the dawn of time. So to do our lives and those of our loved ones.
Holidays are so very different for an only child with two elderly parents….
Tears still threaten, but stubbornly I will not cry…..