Living With Your Choices – A Letter to My Birth Mother: Hortense Wiggins
In writing this letter to my birth mother I accede and acknowledge that at this point, I will probably never find her although I have looked. It is also very likely that I will not be given the chance to say things to her I can express how I feel here in writing and release a lot of anger and hurt into the universe and out of my life.
Typing it even makes my fingers feel funny and it is not a term that I have thought of in conjunction with you often. Yes there is anger and frustration and sadness at the Choices that you made over forty years ago that I now am faced with finding ways of living with and interacting with people with one hand tied behind my back literally.
My baby pictures have always invoked why’s after the initial aww how cute response. How does someone look at their own three month old baby and give him or her away? The level of disconnect has always been beyond my ability to reason or rationalize and this is said from the perspective of one who has had a child. One who you will never know, thanks to your Choices.
How do you go about your daily routine knowing that you have children out in the universe that you don’t get to see and don’t even know how they are faring. Do you encapsulate yourself with the belief that they are all much better off where ever they are? Well I will shatter that wall right now.
If you have lived your life in the belief that I was better off being adopted let me dispel this for you.
Once I got old enough to reason and figured out at an early age that I was adopted, I never got along with my adopted mother again on a true mother daughter basis. Whether it was some imagined level of competition or feeling threatened it doesn’t even matter. What matters is because of YOUR CHOICES I was deprived of having the kind of mother daughter relationship that would have justified YOUR CHOICES.
Most of my life has been spent trying to please a woman who will never, due to her own inner demons, fully embrace me for who I am. In fact if it were not for some sort of divine intervention I would not even be here to write this. Having attempted suicide at the age of 14 and my ADOPTED mother refusing to take me to the hospital emergency room because she didn’t want to be “embarrassed”.
Your Choices has placed me squarely in a situation where there is a person who wears the title of mother but who can ignore pleas for help and be totally unconcerned about how or what her “daughter” has to do to survive and stay off the street.
Because of your CHOICES, there are no warm family Thanksgivings, Christmases or any holiday gatherings, with my brothers and sisters and there may very well never be. I have to live with knowing that somewhere out there are my siblings and that I may never see them or hear their voices or be called aunty – because of YOUR CHOICES.
Yes I am angry and I always allowed for the anger to exist because it was real and I would not deny myself my true feelings. I have had to sacrifice enough without repressing the hurt and anger that I have had to live with most of my life.
IT is again by your Choice that you also do not wish to be found, or there would have been breadcrumbs to follow or you could in this day and age find me quite easily. The second rejection – not just content to give away your baby and child, but also able to walk through each day with a straight face and deny the existence of not just one child (ME) but FOUR of us? Into adulthood and not even question what happened to any of them? As a child I always wondered what I had did WRONG to deserve the situation that I found myself in. All the kids around me had siblings and family and I was bereft and devoid of any while knowing out there somewhere they were there…..I could fill several rain barrels with the tears I cried at night wondering what was wrong with me and why this was the path in life that I was given.
So yes there is anger at you for your CHOICES but there is also anger at the universe because I for sure did not ask to be in this situation. I had NO CHOICE about who my birth mother was or where my brothers and sisters went. There is a measure of anger because my life has been a living lesson and textbook to the fact that MONEY can’t buy love or happiness and I was enrolled in this course not of my own volition. It was because of YOUR CHOICES.
There also is hurt because of the most basic kind of rejection that one can possibly have and there being no counter to it. My life has been spent in searching for the love that I never got from you or the place YOU SENT ME TO.
Having reached the point in my life that I am at now, and releasing the fairytale of the mother daughter relationship, and realizing the reality that because of Choices that were made for me and the collateral elements inserted into my life as a result of those Choices, I am now and pretty much always have been an ORPHAN in spite of what the now sealed adoption papers say.
I have tried to remain open to the concept of meeting you face to face but I fully relinquish that idea right here and now. Like many other dreams I have had that have slowly but surely faded away and died this one too has passed on to the land of shades.
IT will not happen in this life – and that….is MY CHOICE
About the author
Currently pursuing a degree in Multimedia Design with a concentration in Web Administration, long time graphic and web designer from the olden days of Tripod and before the AOL running man. Current insights on life based on personal experience and trial and error. The life of course is a work in progress as are most things. Feel free to connect with me on twitter @BlkPhoenix66
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