These dreams go on when I close my eyes…These Dreams - Heart
For as long as I can remember I have always dreamed about family. A distinct result of growing up as an adopted only child. For a long time when asked, what I wanted to be when I grow up – my response was to be a mom with a big family. Shades of lots of lonely days and nights spent wishing for phantom birth siblings and birth mother and in lieu of those, just a Michelangelo attempt to carve them out of the “stone”.
life and things never quite go as planned, the dream by virtue of its being focused on has morphed into a dark cloud of obfuscation barring the way to the very thing at its center.
Days of babies and diapers have long since passed into eternity. The birth family mythos has evolved into reality and bears no passing resemblance to anything in dreams.
For those of you lost at this point – I did finally meet with some of my birth family – my sister and some of her children and grandchildren. I have yet to meet my birthmother – and have pretty much given up on that happening as great preparations were made to facilitate that and she literally backed out at the last minute(picture the child standing outside waiting for the parent that never shows up).
I am told I have a brother as well – I have never spoken to him and again for the sake of retaining my own sanity, I have had to let go any hopes of face to face meeting because no interest has been shown on their part to do so. Being rejected twice by one’s own flesh and blood is one time too many for one lifetime.
Then there’s the sister – the dream that quickly turned south. Initial contacts and meeting with her face to face went well. At one point we spoke almost every day. We talked about all manner of things including the woman who gave birth to us – she actually grew up knowing who she was as she was not given up for adoption at least not out of state as I was.
No lie it felt good to be able to say my sister and have that not be just a phantom shadow in a dream. Then life as it is wont to do, turned upside down and blew that all the way to hell.
In April of this year the only woman that I will ever call mother – my adopted mother – passed away suddenly after a massive stroke and several days of laying comatose.
Through the fog of grief the glimmers of familial bonds struggled to stay in place. My sister indicated she would come down to be with me and I bought her tickets to travel down.
Things got wonky and honestly I still don’t understand what happened. She all of a sudden said she had to go back home – the very next day after arriving.
Thrown for a loop as I was at the time – with my mother’s funeral two days away I remember asking several times why – and getting no substantive answer.
Then came the silence. She pretty much stopped talking to me from that day. For a while I still tried to contact her but again out of self preservation and a desire not to lose my mind I had to let that go as well.
I still get calls on occasion from my niece but my sister and her other children to this day maintain radio silence.
This resonates like a sonic boom at this time of year. Mom was very much into the holidays and not having her around has been utterly devastating for me. Worse still is having family members who want no parts of you while all the world trips by singing songs of being one with family at this time of year complete with imagery of family gatherings and dinners including the requisite Christmas tree, gifts etc.
Now it literally is just me for better or worse. Time spent in dreams comes far short of the stark, brutal reality of being alone for the holidays.
If I am still alive this time next year – I am thinking of going out of the country till after the first of the year.
Holidays are not for people like me – only in dreams….