May as well go to the gym - I have no where else to go except home to an empty apartment.

Is asking to come by after work on a weekend asking too much or being unreasonable. For a relationship that basically is set where we can only see each other on the weekends because of work schedules evenings vs days is asking specifically being too demanding. He was sick this past weekend and so didnt come by and I was redoing my hair so we didnt see each other. Is expecting to definitely see him this coming weekend being inflexible? there is this thing in his "household" where he is expected to help his mother with groceries when she goes shopping on saturdays and this usually is around late afternoon - so if i ask him to come by after work on a friday and stay till saturday its either he has to leave early saturday afternoon or he's not there and thats an issue.

This is something that has been an issue since we first met however I must explain and say that when we first met he came by all the time. almost every single weekend. sometimes during the week. Discussions on this topic of late have centered around his feeling the need to be available at home for his mother.

I feel like im in a losing battle sometimes. I don't want to press him or put him into situations where he feels like he has to choose between helpign her or being with me but i feel like the situation makes it that way.

Its been 18 months....and i just don't know what to do anymore.

So i asked her to lend me 800. I have had to draw up a promissory note and have had several phone calls one of which was to insist that she be repaid in two payments by the end of november and another to insist on money order or bankers check instead of a personal check.

If i wasn't so worried about her actually sending the money in the first place I might find some of this annoying and or aggravating.

Right now, I am numb - i only want to keep the roof over my head and will be forced to because of the terms of this agreement to go back to making one lump sum payment in november or risk a late fee in paying my rent or let my other bills go farther behind....

There is no one else I can ask. to loan me anything. I take full responsibiilty for getting ito this situation that only i can get out of

But it still sucks and I hate my birth mother with every fiber of my being.

Got to talk to s.o. a bit we both agreed that we are going to go check out W. Also are planning on celebrating all weekend WHEN Barack Obama wins the presidency of these here united states.

Hell we may actually go buy some KFC and watermelon and wash it down with Red Koolaid - a la Chaffey County Republican Women Federated

Going to the gym today dagnabbit need to be in better shape for the upcoming "Festivities"

Lata

BUt i feel bummed out right now - and i guess thats normal....I wanted to go to the gym today but again i dont feel like going hell i don't know what i feel like anymore.

Lovely day....

First of all there was a major project that i "volunteered" to do at work with regards to a co-worker who was retiring. I volunteered to put together a video presentation for her retirement "party" and got major accolades from everyone there including the director of the department. In fact the response was so well that I was presented last Thursday with a "Falcon Award" which the place I work gives out to employees who exhibit superior performance and is given upon recommendation of a department head and or a manager and i was actually presented by both.

i was a little surprised as i am used to people going gaga over some of the stuff i put together since im not one to shout from the rooftops about all the things that I know how to do.
The timing on this is interesting as the position that was vacated as a result of this retirement opens up interviews this coming week. I had long ago put in my resume - actually before they "officially" started asking if anyone was interested in the position. i actually have an interview this coming Tuesday with the director for this position.

I will set one intention right now - if i manage to obtain this position I promise that after making sure all my bills are paid and up to date that my goal will be to arrange and make a trip to Jerusalem as a pilgrimage if you will - because I feel and know that aside from my potential qualifications etc for the job, that if i get it it will be a blessing from God( I feel) and I feel that with all that has gone on in my life in the last year or two that if the opportunity presents itself for me to go on pilgrimage, then I have to make it a top priority to go.

Things with S are still the same. This weekend i didn't see him because he spent time with his Aunt "Tine" who has been diagnosed with cancer and is not doing so well. As she spent substantial time with him and was a care giver for him when he was a child growing up he's close to her and so i could understand him making a point to spend some time with her. while she has not been very forthcoming with regards to her condition and prognosis, from what I understand from various members of the family, S included she's not doing well at all.

This is one of those things that you pray on and ask for understanding and patience. As much as i would have liked to see and or spend some time with S, had to understand the circumstance and accept it with grace. Notice I said with grace - to accept it any other way would have been in actuality non-acceptance.

Lastly but not at all least I am going to try to get back into spin class this week. the challenge to that is the classes fill up very quickly. I already tried to get in the class here by my house but they are already full up for monday night. Tomorrow when i get to work I will have to call and see if out of the two gyms by me either one has a spot open. That will again be a challenge because the area where they are usually they are always filled up but I promise to try at least and if I can't get into the spin class I STILL will go to the gym anyway.

At least that is my INTENTION....

Peace...

Alone again - Naturally

Wish I could just curl up into a ball - then again not it won't change anything - I will still be losing another one not knowing if there will be another one and the thought itself is just crushing and makes me feel like i can't breathe...

hot tears squeeze out the corners of my eyes and slide down my cheeks - and right now i feel more alone than i have in a long time...

this ought to be an interesting day...

We talked for a minute about a few things for some reason it feels good when we do actually have a chance to talk about things with us face to face - i've always preferred that because i can see the emotions and expressions as he's talking and I can relate more to whats being said. Besides i just dig watching him talk and looking at his lips - lol

Even though we were not planning this - it's hard not to be excited and i could see that something in him was a little happy in spite of the situation. I can't wait to drag his tail to the doctor's with me i am dying to see what his expression is when he sees a sonogram for the first time. That will be a TRUE Kodak moment - priceless..

So much to look forward to...

sighs....so much to do...

will be sure and write when I get back...

The list - is the qualities I want in a mate....stay tuned....

Been battling depression on and off....working through the relationship with stanley with its ups and downs...and now getting back into working out watching more carefully what im eating and continue the progress that I had started last year.

Christmas I thought would be real difficult and in fact it wound up that New Years was way more of a challenge. While I was at turns, out of sorts through both, New years actually got me down to the point where i was always one step away from tears.

Everything around me suffered as the depression that came along with the holidays got me so down that just let everything go - around the apartment especially. The feeling was one of trying to do something without really wanting to or even knowing why.

I had a conversation with stanley on that very thing - what I need to figure out is the why to things now...more than the reasoning that "it has to be done for whatever immediate reasons" to redevelop or create new reasons to want to do anything - and i would gather that that was the depression talking.