Mi Vida Loca

Still feeling sad today - can't talk about too much - tears are not far and i have to maintain especially around strangers. So much sadness....spoke for a minute - I still feel like he has doubts - and that hurts so so much. KNowing that he doesnt trust me...really truly hurts...at a time like this when i really need him im having to deal with him actually not believing me in this of all things? I can't and believe me i've tried to figure out what possible reason someone would have for makign THIS up - especially knowing what I have been through. I can't for the life of me figure that out. I know he has said that because of his situation with carol? that he's leary? Funny because im not trying to get anything out of him and in fact i am the one who LOST.....apparently in more than one way.....and the innocent get punished with the guilty...

Alone again - Naturally

Wake up to blood - fall asleep in pain scared but knowing what it all means.
confirmation of what you already know is true from all the times in the past that this has happened does nothign to ease the pain - not the mental pain. Dissapointment hangs heavy, and the empty apartment seems ginormous and more empty than usual...

Wish I could just curl up into a ball - then again not it won't change anything - I will still be losing another one not knowing if there will be another one and the thought itself is just crushing and makes me feel like i can't breathe...

hot tears squeeze out the corners of my eyes and slide down my cheeks - and right now i feel more alone than i have in a long time...

feel rotten as hell this morning been feeling nauseaus since i got up - had to sit down (which is why im h ere) for a minute because i felt like i was going to throw my insides up

this ought to be an interesting day...

He came by today - we spoke about saturday and he only semi raised his voice once..I think he already felt bad for not calling or showing up. I felt like he felt bad about it so I really tried not to press that too much. I decided to tell him about the test. I kept hearing his voice in my head telling me that if ever something like this were to happen that he would want to know immediately and so I didn't want to risk him being upset with me so I told him when I knew.

We talked for a minute about a few things for some reason it feels good when we do actually have a chance to talk about things with us face to face - i've always preferred that because i can see the emotions and expressions as he's talking and I can relate more to whats being said. Besides i just dig watching him talk and looking at his lips - lol

Even though we were not planning this - it's hard not to be excited and i could see that something in him was a little happy in spite of the situation. I can't wait to drag his tail to the doctor's with me i am dying to see what his expression is when he sees a sonogram for the first time. That will be a TRUE Kodak moment - priceless..

So much to look forward to...

Well no call and I guess he's not coming. I did the test already and yep there was a line all right. Felt a little shaky looking at it...will call and make an appointment to see the dr monday - still debating on telling before the appointment or after...

sighs....so much to do...

Feeling really weird - i think im going to pick up an ept this weekend and see whats up if anything. I feel so dang bloated - boobs feel like they about to bust lol
I will make a run to the store saturday and hopefully I can do it when he's here and we can get the results together. Always wanted to do that. I remember dreaming something liek that where I would do the test and get to watch it with (well in the dream it was my husband) that person and when it came out positive they would be so happy and we both would be happy and excited dunno something real romantic and maybe a little corny about it but its something i've dreamed/wished for - for a loooooooooooooooooooong time since actually dante was born....

Am a little nervous about today but I think it will be all right. Not sure how they are going to react to the play seeing as how part of it is about the fact the father has cancer. I didn't think about it until just now actually - I guess i figured they knew what the play was about. Anyway im trusting in God that everything will turn out ok and that we will have a nice time out

will be sure and write when I get back...

Feeling a little depressed today...can't say or figure one reason as to why. Figured I would perk up now that I actually am making plans to go see my mom but guess not....I keep saying i am going to make that "List" and i need to just go on and do it for once and for all - think i will post it here when im done

The list - is the qualities I want in a mate....stay tuned....

When things seem to be most stressful, it is my writing here at least, that seems to go by the wayside. The holidays were in my mind something to get past as soon as possible....never quite got into the full holiday spirit.

Been battling depression on and off....working through the relationship with stanley with its ups and downs...and now getting back into working out watching more carefully what im eating and continue the progress that I had started last year.

Christmas I thought would be real difficult and in fact it wound up that New Years was way more of a challenge. While I was at turns, out of sorts through both, New years actually got me down to the point where i was always one step away from tears.

Everything around me suffered as the depression that came along with the holidays got me so down that just let everything go - around the apartment especially. The feeling was one of trying to do something without really wanting to or even knowing why.

I had a conversation with stanley on that very thing - what I need to figure out is the why to things now...more than the reasoning that "it has to be done for whatever immediate reasons" to redevelop or create new reasons to want to do anything - and i would gather that that was the depression talking.

Stan came into my life when i was in the midst of one of the hardest times in my life. His entry into my life was as what I needed most at the time, a friend. He has been that and more. He has been that and more. He has at times been a confidant, a hang out buddy, an entertainer, a clown, and so much more. We often times don't tell people how much they mean to us until its too late.

I know too well that lesson - it is why i chose to take this opportunity to express what he means to me and to say " I love you."