January 7, 2008
New Year - Happy - Maybe?
When things seem to be most stressful, it is my writing here at least, that seems to go by the wayside. The holidays were in my mind something to get past as soon as possible....never quite got into the full holiday spirit.
Been battling depression on and off....working through the relationship with stanley with its ups and downs...and now getting back into working out watching more carefully what im eating and continue the progress that I had started last year.
Christmas I thought would be real difficult and in fact it wound up that New Years was way more of a challenge. While I was at turns, out of sorts through both, New years actually got me down to the point where i was always one step away from tears.
Everything around me suffered as the depression that came along with the holidays got me so down that just let everything go - around the apartment especially. The feeling was one of trying to do something without really wanting to or even knowing why.
I had a conversation with stanley on that very thing - what I need to figure out is the why to things now...more than the reasoning that "it has to be done for whatever immediate reasons" to redevelop or create new reasons to want to do anything - and i would gather that that was the depression talking.
I have decided to try and get more involved in the Barack Obama campaign for president. That stemming from my desire to develop some outside interests besides work and the gym. Hopefully a sidebar will be some more social situations which I have been sorely lacking in.
Which also leads me to the resignation from the board of the np which I have been feeling I need to do but circumstances and events have finally convinced me to step out once and for all. For one I don't have any reliable help and at its worst it is overwhelming with help - At this point I have no desire to try and forge new relationships with the basketball community here in the city.
No more guilt about the uniforms - either some one will come and get them or they will be gone there is no more I can do about that.
I spent the last few years fighting to stay involved in something that was the result of being in a relationship with someone else and "adopting" one of their causes - I didnt want it to be that way but in the end thats exactly the way it was. /is
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September 19, 2007
Superman - Stan
Stan came into my life when i was in the midst of one of the hardest times in my life. His entry into my life was as what I needed most at the time, a friend. He has been that and more. He has been that and more. He has at times been a confidant, a hang out buddy, an entertainer, a clown, and so much more. We often times don't tell people how much they mean to us until its too late.
I know too well that lesson - it is why i chose to take this opportunity to express what he means to me and to say " I love you."
Posted by digitalmuse at 10:21 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Another Year
Takes a while sometimes to realize that the best things in life don't always come in glitzy packages with satin bows. Sometimes the best gifts are those where a person gives of themselves..
We too often get caught up in society's frenzy and forget what is truly important. material things - diamonds, furs, cars clothes....especially when it comes to relationships and black women especially have been notorious for equating a man's wealth to his pocket book - first things you get asked around birthday time or valentines or any holiday - "What did he give you..?"
And if it's not shiny or glittery or goes on the third finger of your right hand - right away he's dismissed. All in the realm of superficial...See I can say this because the cake in this picture means more to me than all those things - the person who got it for me actually left their job traveled miles on three hours sleep just to make sure they got it for me ON my birthday....I could say more and fill in more details but it speaks for itself.
You can't put a price on that - these are the ones that you keep close to you...they are rare but they are themselves worth more than their own weight in gold.
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August 28, 2007
Like Sands in the Hourglass...
I've been hanging out at this message board titled "Diary of a Tired Black Man" and i can commiserate with that statement in reverse.
I am battling my impatience and fear that I will in deed never have another child. I know that under the current situation it would be an extreme challenge....its hard to get pregnant when you only have sex on the weekends.
Now today comes word that HE is going to take on a second job so that means even less time spent together.
What can i say? I can't complain - because i sound selfish...i can't help but feel that he has absolutely NO idea how badly i want to at least try to have another child..or more importantly how it feels like im watching the sands in the hour glass run out...
I just don't think He gets it
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August 24, 2007
Friendship??
having cleared some of the "dust" out of my life that had been accumulating - things should start to look a whole lot better - these flashbacks however, are really taking a toll on my sleep and peace of mind...I don't know what if anything I can do about them for what i have heard there really isn't much you can do except wait for them to subside.
I am going to a support group meeting next week - The Compassionate Friends - volunteers who have also themselves lost children and they meet twice a month - the few ocaisions when i have spoken to someone who has lost a child it has seemed helpful so im wiling to try this and see - it can't hurt that much i know..and since im at 0 with regards to friends right around me i need to start working on that....(stan notwithstanding and this does not take into consideration friendships far away..)
when I talk about havign zero people around me - i mean i have no one calling me - if it wasn't for me talking to stan and my mother my phone would never ring. and I wouldnt have anyone to talk to.
IF it wasn't for me going out WITH stan i would only be going back and forth to work and doing laundry on weekends.
I don't have the "girlfriends" to go hand out - or to call and check on me and try and drag me out to go shopping - or get my hair or nails did - or whatever in the attempt to cheer me up or pick up my spirits...thats something i have to do on my own..and have been having to do on my own...
I know this needs to change - but since im not going hanging out at the club looking for friends, and since i can't get to my old church (too far away ) and i haven't had luck tyring to find a NEW church closer by - i just have to wait and be patient and try not to let it get to me overly much....
smh yeah right..................
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August 10, 2007
Family Ties
I am reminded this afternoon of the abject loneliness i strive so hard to forget .....
I had a conversation with my mother during which she asked me if i would give her money to help pay her taxes since shes going to be taxed for the proceedes from the sale of both houses as well as paying taxes in south carolina.
Nevermind that i was forced to move twice in less than a year...and that i lost almost everything I owned - many many things of dante's that i've cried for knowing that i will never see them or him again....
Nevermind that i never received anything from the sale of the first house and that the money she did give me from the sale of her own house was less than half - even though my father's share was equal to half and as his only heir legally i should have gotten half....
Nevermind that she stuck me for an additional 3K at the time because she miscalculated how much she actually gave me
Nevermind the amounts spent on keeping dante in school and on his funeral arrangements and on me trying to finally after over twenty years trying to set up a comfortable HOME
Nevermind the landlord that is hasslsing me to pay him an additional $400 dollars for a cleaning service that he claims he hired after i moved out of his place and only having lived there for less than a year....
To hear her ask me for money when she has more than enough to pay what is owed and still have money to live out the rest of her days in luxury...and to say that it was "only fair she asked me" just reminded me of the empty and lonely feelings i fight so hard with every single day of my life
While i made no response other than to say i couldn't help her...i felt crushed inside...and very very alone....
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August 6, 2007
Open Letter - Stevie Wonder Tour - Promoters etc.
Stevie Wonder, Aretha Franklin and whoever it is that is associated with the So-Called Dream Concert being held on September 18th at Radio City Music Hall - I am putting all of you on blast.
Here I am(and i know i am not the only one) getting all excited with the announcement that Stevie Wonder is going on tour again after not being on tour for years. Growing up with stevies music and having all of his albums. It goes without saying that I waited anxiously for the announcement that the tickets for the concert were going onsale. Just to find out this morning that it has turned into a benefit for the Martin Luther King something or another and that the tickets are starting at $1000 dollars EACH?
How DARE the organizers of this event alienate the very people who made each and every one of those performers what they are today. If they needed to do a benefit they should have done a private one and invited THOSE PEOPLE WHO CAN EASILY afford tickets that steep and higher...take a page out of Oprah's book she did it to raise fund for Obama's campaign.
I am truly and completely disgusted with those who chose to make these arrangements and I find it really difficult to continue to support with my hard earned money those who so capriciously make decisions like this.
For the record September the 18th is MY birthday - unless that concert is done for more than oe day which i doubt i will not be able to see it. Again for the record im not on public assistance I am a single, working class African American woman who cannot possibly justify paying $1000 for ONE TICKET no matter WHO is on the bill.
Never saw stevie in concert, never saw aretha in concert and evidently never will....and im thinking if that be the case why am i buying their music?
This is just a complete and total hot mess....shame on the promoters and organizers for this event.
And as far as the Martin Luther King Memorial Park Foundation
Come on people you have to do better than this...
It would seem that Martin and those like him did all that fighting and struggling for nothing since we still have not "gotten it"
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In a Perfect World
In a perfect world, this weekend would have been capped off by a gathering of thte female minds, namely sista-friends getting together to come to the aide of their "sista" namely me. Debates and arguments would have raged on about the right and wrong of relationships, men, the men in OUR lives, etc
Sides would have been drawn with one side being the side that agrees with the "space" theory and says i am and have been overly sensitive with regards to that - and the other side saying im dead right if it doesnt feel right....keep it moving - next.... 
Funny thing about oprah and all the other self help "gurus" out there who trumpet on about surrounding one's self with only positive people. They never tell you what to do in t he meantime while you gather those positive people around you and or they never mentione what you do when you have excised all the negative people from you and you wake up one morning totally alone...what you do....
Which leaves a party of one to sit back and reflect and contemplate on one's own behaviour and actions, perceptions and so forth....arguably perhaps a much more insightful introspection than one that would have been brought forth with outside entities who would bring along their own internal prejudices
That being said..
I am willing to conceede that i was somewhat overwrought this weekend but it precipitated a much needed conversation that resolved some things...and not others....but it was at the very least if nothing else a dialog that needed to take place.
Some absolute truths....
I do love HIM
He does Care
He is under stress(family situation, mother in particular)
I NEED to find OTHER things to do with myself instead of counting on him to provide me with "entertainment" continuously (every single weekend without fail?)
I am trying to get my gym hat back on and i did go this weekend and im planning on going tonight after work....
We shall see what we shall see...
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August 5, 2007
Hurt and Pain
I just really need to get past the hurt im feeling right now, but im running out of ideas and ways - and im tired of crying and tired of feeling bad and i just keep wondering how much more am i supposed to have to take...
Time was i used to scrap up and fight because i knew my son needed me to be there for him...now he's gone and i don't even know what im fighting for anymore....
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Thanks God...
Im probably going to hell anyway from all accounts so this letter won't make much difference ....
Dear God,
i want to thank you so much for allowing me to be born to a woman who was incapable of taking care of me and wound up giving me away when I was three months old and caused me to grow up not knowing my brothers and sisters. Having to walk through life knowing that they are out there but that i may never see or find them.
But more importantly I want to thank you for taking away the one thing that gave me hope and inspiration. The thing that gave me the strength and courage to fight against overwhelming odds, the one thing that made me happy not because of what they did for me but just happy because they existed.
You took away my son and left me with nothing - and im supposed to try and go on with my life like it's ok and it isnt and it never will be.
The one good thing in my life and you took it...Thanks God
Posted by digitalmuse at 8:50 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
I Give...
I have come to the conclusion this weekend that I need to go back to learning how to live alone. I feel I have perhaps because of my loss placed too much emphasis on a relationship that ultimately may not work out no matter how much I might have wanted it to.
I have been developing reservations about how I am being treated and this weekend really made me want to walk away or at the very least put some distance up or a wall or two.
Why call someone on friday and say you are coming over the next day Saturday and then just dont show up or make any mention of coming over until you are asked about it and then just nonchalantly say oh well i was going to try and see you sunday....
You know I know he has been dealing with his mother and all that family stuff but is this something that im supposed to just deal with and chalk it off to him being stressed out?
We tried having a conversation about this - and as i knew he would he threw up "all he's done for me - and the time he's spent, etc. and even made some statements about spending more time with me than at his own house....how a weekend translate into more time than mon to fri i dont know but i was really turned off by his response to what i was saying...and I asked from the point of view of wanting to know if there was something wrong...if there was something he needed to tell me...etc....because i said i didnt understand where he was coming from.
You know what he said? He just needs me to understand that he's under a tremendous amount of stress because of the situation with his mother...and that he also needs me to understand that he "needs his personal time to handle his personal things?"
I give up.....i refuse to argue...and at this point im just so thoroughly disgusted that i have been fighting with myself not to just go to the bus station and buy a ticket out of here and leave...
I don't like the fact that what i had to look forward to - because my life is so damn screwed up right now was spending time with him...the alternative being on my own which is what i am every single day anyway...
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July 30, 2007
butterfly Pictures
I posted a few of the pictures from this weekend's release. You can find them at this link: Releasing My Muse
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Going it Alone
We did th e release this weekend at the cemetery. It was for a moment a good thing and was real upbeat but i guess afterwards the let down was great. I think coming back home and being on my own (as usual) didn't help but again as with most things what can i do?
I truly have to go this alone and there is no one for me to lean on except God...
Right now, I am working on shifting my focus off the loss of my son and how it has and is affecting my life..and off the relationship which is right now bulging under the strain of me dealing with my loss and him dealing with his mother's illness and family issues arising out of that.
I had been thinking for the last week or so about starting a blog about my efforts to get in shape, lose weight, etc...and I am going to start that today. Will post pics and stats and will commit myself to posting at least once a week with my progress which is certain to take some of the focus off of the other things mentioned which i can't do anything about.
Blog started - let's see how that goes
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July 17, 2007
Retreat
maybe its the time of year....my sons birthday is coming up....maybe its just hormonal...or maybe it is just.....???
i feel like im already shutting down and putting my walls up.....and retreating behind them...
Posted by digitalmuse at 1:48 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Back at One...
going home to an empty house was never all it was "cracked up to be" but at least i can say as far back as a year ago it was at least mitigated in some aspects by the fact that i would on occaision call my son and even the thought of him then made the loneliness...i would feel at times "ok" but now its like ten million times worse and with not very much to mitigate it....just me wracking my brains trynig to "cope" with it....
But bottom line, it's hard....very very hard.....and my eyes are tearing up as im writing this..... because its just that hard....
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Between a Rock and a Hard Place - Yet Again
Which is where I feel I am right now. At least I feel like I need to make the adjustment for the days ahead. have been talking on and off with Stan about his mom and it just seems like she's a lot sicker than what he even realizes and in talking with him he expresses a feeling of needing to "be around her more" right now and I wholeheartedly agree. She is just now completing a session of chemo and apparently is going to start radiation treatments in a week or two..
And I feel like I have to adjust - to the fact that we probably won't see much of each other in the coming weeks...not an assumption its been discussed - theres no good way to discuss anything else and admittedly for me that is really tough - but what else can i do? Aside from pray which i do all the time anyway....I guess it's also cause i feel myself gearing up to shut down when that starts to happen....defense mechanism maybe>? so it won't hurt so much?
*sighs*
I just on one level feel like i have had to make so many adjustments in the last few years...im tired....of even having to contemplate making anymore - which doesnt dismiss the fact that i will and i do have to...
Could just be overly sensitive - could be just a bad day.....could be a lot of things.....
i shall continue to pray for the wisdom to figure it all out...
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July 5, 2007
If only we all Knew....
I have been told I need to start looking at making plans for a "wedding" and after much discussion on this topic yesterday, this morning i searched the web looking for a saying or short poem to inscribe on a memorial candle to be lit during the service, for my son and for Stan's fathter....found this one in the process - and i still have tears in my eyes.....those of you reading this take heed.....for me I have nor egrets my son knew all too well how i felt because i was blessed with a chance to make it very clear right before he passed...
If I Knew
If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.
If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.
If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.
If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.
For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.
There will always be another day to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance to say our "Anything I can do?"
But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.
So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day,
That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.
So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them and that you'll always hold them dear
Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.
--Anonymous from the Internet
Posted by digitalmuse at 9:24 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
July 3, 2007
Rescue 911
I got the call today while i was talking to stan and was able to stay calm enough to calm my mother down. She called me to tell me that she had to take my grandmother, her mother, to the emergency room because she fell off the shower chair and was in pain.
I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was about five seconds from losing it but i managed to calm her down and get her into gear so she could make the trip to the hospital. She called me when she got there and basically they had to wait for x-rays to see if there was any broken bones.
Turns out she did in fact fracture a rib but they said it was not bad enough to wrap it or do anything to it. They in fact sent her home as everything else i guess was in order. Once again stan seemed to be in the right place at the right time and his immediate response was to first ask what happened and then to insist that i stay calm and focused and wait until we got further information.
It helped tremendously to have someone to talk to at that time especially since they were focused on keeping me calm, being supportive and upbeat. I've said this before but I will say it again, Thank goodness for stan being around not sure what i would do without him....I pray to God that I never have to find out...
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June 19, 2007
Stanley - Life is Funny
have to take a moment here and write about someone who has had a major impact on my life the short time he's been in it.
That person is stanley and I met him back in february, online and initially was not planning to really meet or get involved but dont knowfor some reason i wound up talking to him and eventually got things to the point of him coming by.
I didnt forget how tender he was and we from day one had good conversations Little did i know back then the rock that he was going to turn out to be.
Not too long after we started actually seeing each other in person, my son passed away and he was there for me in a way that to this day im amazed at. He was on the phone with me continually or he was at my place, fussing at me to sleep and to eat and to get myself in gear.....and I know in my heart that when i got back from Philadelphia that if there had been no one there with me that weekend I probably wouldn't be here now either. The grief was palpable i could taste it right there just threatening to overwhelm me and , stanley in his act of kindness - in wanting to be there for me...may have very well saved my life.
He continues to this day to do things that are somewhat surprising and incredibly caring. He's lost so many nights sleep coming over to my place to let the guys in to install my a/c that I am at a loss as to how to show my gratitude in addition to my dismay about him losing sleep.
We talk usually at least once a day, and he has been so very supportive of me during this time after my son's passing. I still have crying spells on occaision, and sometimes he's there and if he is he will hold me and talk to me until it passes, just had one this past weekend and we wound up talking about his dad, who also passed away from cancer and how it affected him similarly to how it was affecting me.
Sometimes i look at him and wonder, My goodness, what did i do to deserve him, he's like something that stepped out of a dream.
he's been caring, he's been helpful, he's offered his time and his energy without being asked, he's spent time with me and asked to spend more time with me - he's helped to create an environment around me that leaves me feeling happier than I have felt in years. And if you are still wondering, yes I am (in love with him). He makes me laugh especially when i could use the laughter. He's supportive of my endeavours and is always "there" to help me even when i don't even realize i need help. he's been accepting of me and of my situation where many people would have said uh....i will check back with you later on in life....
This from a man who i came perilously close to not seeing in the first place. Who now i can't imagine not being able to see him again....funny how life works....in order to find love i first lost the one thing i loved more than anything - my son....funny that...?
funny how in order to get, you first have to lose....
funny how in life the happiest moments come when you are in the midst of your blues
funny aint it how life twist and turns
real funny isn't it how at times you feel the burn
and the sting of lifes thorns
it seems so dark
you can't envision there will be a dawn
funny how you come so close to giving up so that you can win
funny how life can flip around and make you start again
funny how love can find you in the midst of tears
shake you up and make you face all of your fears
funny how my life turned out nothing like what i had dreamed
but being loved right now is everything it seemed
that it would be
Funny how my life shifted focus back
and is squarely set on me
Life is funny, ....aint it?
Posted by digitalmuse at 3:53 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
May 23, 2007
Twisted
it's just hit me and hard i guess that this holiday weekend coming up, most will be spending it with friends and family having a good time and i don't have any family here....and that just messed my head up a bit........
Like the song says....alone again...Naturally....
Posted by digitalmuse at 3:15 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
ShopTalk - Revisted
In response to the numerous emails sent regarding the last post "Shoptalk" I feel I should address a few points.
It was several months ago that I started thinking about taking my braids out which not for nothing I have worn my hair braided for many years - I just was starting to feel that it was time for a change and that it was becoming too much of a burden on myself to keep doing it since I have been braiding my hair myself all that time(about ten years)
The "comment" that was made was not the reason for the change it just reminded me of what I already had decided but just never acted on. I don't think i was so starved for a change that i could just walk into any salon and get a new "do" as it were. I can't afford my hair to be busted right now. So i knew i was going to have to search around and find someplace that was reputable and had people who knew what they were doing. Nothing of course is guaranteed but i feel comfortable with the choice I made - distance wise, competency-wise etc.
As to the fear - face it it's been at least ten years since i changed my hairstyle that alone is enough reason, aside from that, there's the underlying current of "changing my life" which is based in losing my son - and the fact that my life will never be the same again and in all things now going forward everything is "new" and so there is a degree of fear present anyway, no matter what the subject is. It is however up to me not to succumb to it and in this case anyway go ahead and do what is needed which is why i just went ahead and made the appointment. Which actually was the easy part. Trying to figure out what hairstyle i want...is a whole nother story....
Posted by digitalmuse at 9:07 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
May 22, 2007
ShopTalk
about two or three months ago I actually started thinking in terms of getting my hair done and takign the braids out but since i hadn't found a place to get it done and hadn't decided on what I wanted done with it I kind of left it on a back burner and figured I would get around to doing something with it at some point.
well then of course all hell broke loose and the last thing on my mind was a new hairstyle...i have on brief moments thought about it but again hadn't decided WHAT to do with it once i took the braids out so i let it go....but i guess there's nothing more motivating than someone "suggesting" you go get your hair done - especially if that "someone" is close to you....so i made an appointment for saturday morning and i will be taking these braids out friday night. But for some odd reason i dont feel either happy or relieved at the prospect....in fact truth be told im scared....of what and why I have no idea.....
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May 17, 2007
Faithful?
Things have been so crazy around here...often times im not sure which way is up or down or sideways..I had to go back to work but I am convinced that I really and truly was not ready to go back just yet. But the prospect of having my insurance benefts withdrawn or worse wind up unemployed was not something promising.
People keep asking me how I feel and I still at this point dont' know how I feel. Other than to say I can relate to the old story about the dog sitting patiently by the doorway waiting for his master to return....not leaving for a second but just sitting there waiting patiently day in and day out waiting - not realizing his master is not coming back.....that about sums it all up in a nutshell ....
I feel like I am walkign around in a daze like everything is still so unreal....was supposed to go to a staff meeting today but i couldn't do it and im sitting here now typing and crying...and wondering what's to become of me....i just don't know...
Posted by digitalmuse at 9:33 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
April 24, 2007
Update
Week 2 of my "vacation" and i think i finally got a handle on my sleep or lack of i should say. Tylenol PM is a life saver. Now if i can only get back to sleeping at night instead of in the daytime. I have a doctor's appointment on thursday just to make sure everything else is ok. Next project I have to work on is the "Thank You" cards and that will be a big one. I also have to "force" myself to get out and get back into going into the city more. I am trying to get in gear to go to the gym - i feel like I need to go. Will try tomorrow uh today uh tuesday to get over to the gym at least for a quick workout.
Am ok otherwise at least as far as I can tell....
Sighs....
Posted by digitalmuse at 1:24 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
April 16, 2007
LifeSaver
i feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and yet i find myself desperately scrambling to find and cling to what little good has happened in the last few days.....like a shipwrecked sailor clinging to what is left of the vessel he sailed on, i find myself compelled to try and find the good and the positive - else fall into despair....the battle itself makes me weary...a battle that started many many years ago..and has continued throughout my adult life...
A lot of things were going on in the midst of my son's passing...i learned who my friends really are and i learned who they are not....at the risk of winding up a total and complete recluse there are some people in my life who really don't deserve to be there. I have spent too much time in my life caring for and being mindful of everyone else's wants needs and desires and at this point im done. Brave words when again the flip side of this right now is silence....no one is calling and no one has been by save one "friend" who actually has been more of a friend to me than those who knew me for years....
Ambivalent about that situation at times - happy for and eternally for his presence, I have no idea how i would have managed here alone for so long....no i do have an idea it was divine providence that i was not put into that position. Saddened by the knowledge that if he were not here i would be as i am tonight alone....
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April 2, 2007
An Oldie but a Goodie...
Im going to sleep listening to this one....once again this about sums up where i am and what I am feeling - the art (is mine) does too - dark and brooding.....with a elizabethan twist.....go figures...
I saw an old friend of our today
She asked about you and I didn't quite know what to say
Heard you've been makin' the rounds round here
While I've been tryin' to make the tears disappear
Now I'm almost over you
I've almost shook these blues
So when you come back around
After painting the town you'll see
That I'm almost over you
You're such a sly one with your cold, cold heart
For you leavin' come easy but it tore me apart
Time heals all wounds they say and I should know
'Cause it seems like forever but I'm lettin' you go
Now I'm almost over you
I've almost shook these blues
So when you come back around
After painting the town you'll see
That I'm almost over you
I can forgive you and soon I'll forget all my shattered dreams
You took the love that you wanted and left me the misery
Now I'm almost over you
I've almost shook these blues
So when you come back around
After painting the town you'll see
That I'm almost over you
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March 30, 2007
Social Work Awards of Excellence - New York Presbyterian
The awards ceremony was yesterday. It went off pretty much without any major hitches and yes, I actually made it through my speech....which follows below:
Social Work Awards of Excellence
I will try to be as brief as possible in my acknowledgements and I thank you all in advance for your patience
To Sona Euster, the director of the Social Work Department, and to Lisa Perlman one of the Social work Managers and my supervisor, I would like to extend a heartfelt, Thank You, for granting me what has been an incredible opportunity to work with some of the best and brightest minds in the field of Social Work.
To the entire social work staff and in particular the Recognition Committee I say thank you for selecting me for such an honor.
To my mom who flew up from South Carolina to be here today – thank you…
And lastly but by no means the least,
There is a young man who, at the age of 16 was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer; who in his own words “refuses to be a cancer patient” A young man who, when informed he might not be able to return to school after 8.5 hours of surgery, went back to finish out his senior year of high school, on time, and was named valedictorian of his graduating class and was named to who’s who of American High School Students, who is currently attending Pennoni Honor’s College at Drexel University in pursuit of a degree in Civil Engineering; who is currently a member of the American Society of Civil Engineers and The National Society of Black Engineers. This young man who is present here today, has taught me more about “excellence” than any thing or any one else ever could. To you, my son, I say thank you.
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March 26, 2007
A Little Help From My Friends
If im not running into the "married men" looking to creep, im running into the guys that want sex without a relationship and aside from shutting down all together and not talking to any men at all im not real sure what to do about that....and again i hear the old refrain..."you need to just chill out and have fun" of course this statement is always in the context of some guy that is trying to convince me to have sex with him...with no strings and no relationship attached....a whole bumper crop of losers...what am i doing to attract these assholes?
let's see...going to work every day ?? Dressing ultra conservatively so as NOT to attract sexual attention ( for all the good thats doing) Time to shut down....and send all the creeps to hell....
You know God it would be real nice if you helped out a "Little" i already know what Mr. Wrong looks like, how about once in a while sending along a Mr. Right....before i lose all faith in men period...and just give up...which im struggling not to do now...
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March 23, 2007
What the Hell Is it?
There must be some kind of pheremone or biochemical scent or process that I throw off that attracts married men.
After a few weeks of "flirting" in passing with one of the guys that works the security detail here at work, I finally was able to "inspect" and find out that dude had a ring on his finger. I asked him if "she" knew how lucky she was and he said yeah but if not for that then what....and i just looked at him.
What the hell is it about me that attracts married men....I wish the hell I knew...or just the WRONG men period....I have spent too many hours trying to figure that one out and to date have no clue. All things like today do is make me more withdrawn...
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March 14, 2007
My Chains Are Gone...
This song was done in conjunction with the release of the movie "Amazing Grace" about William Wilberforce and his efforts to abolish slavery in England...This version gives me chills every time I hear it....There may still be one or two people out there who don't know the story behind this song, so for those of you who don't know:
John Newton (played by Albert Finney in Amazing Grace) wrote the words to one of the most beloved hymns of all time between 1760 and 1770, while working as an evangelical pastor. Son of the commander of a merchant ship, Newton was captain of a slave ship for many years, until he underwent a dramatic religious conversion while steering his vessel through a storm.
Repenting and regretting the misery he had inflicted on the thousands of human cargo he had transported across the Middle Passage for many years, he devoted his life to the Church, and wrote the lyrics to many hymns which are still popular today.
In 1780 Newton left Olney to become rector of St. Mary Woolnoth, St. Mary Woolchurch, in London. There he drew large congregations and influenced many, among them William Wilberforce. Newton continued to preach until the last year of life, although he was blind by that time. He died in London December 21, 1807.
Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace
The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine
For those of you that wish to here is a link to the video Amazing Grace
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March 3, 2007
No Regrets
Letting go of people and relationships are all well and good when the situations and the people are toxic and causing you more pain than you can tolerate. However your mouth can say goodbye but your head and your heart can be in a different place. usually due to unfinished issues or things not said. I feel like these things could cause one or in this case me to never fully recuperate from the situation in which i chose to walk away and after weeks and days spent contemplating and praying over this I decided today to send a message to Walter, since his birthday is coming up....and be done with it - as opposed to the urges i was having to call him which i fought mightily I felt that this was the lesser of two evils.....the message follows:
Be easy and rest assured that I am not trying to infiltrate or insinuate myself into your life. I have not and probably never will forget your birth date. I have remained silent on purpose and have only taken this moment to break my silence to wish you a happy birthday and also to just say the following.
You congratulated yourself at the end of things between us and expressed to me the last time we spoke about the "fortuitous" manner in which things ended and more specifically about the phone records that let you know the "truth" about the phone calls. Ironic isn't it that your triumph in finding the truth was the direct result of my desire to BE truthful in the first place. There were many many opportunities for me to "disclose" the situation which i never took advantage of. Even though i prayed every single day for the truth to come to light. When it finally did...and I was given a choice..between continuing to lie..for your sake...or to tell the truth...for my own sake....I told the truth...and I will never regret doing that no matter how things turned out. I do not hate you, I never have hated you, and i honestly do not wish you any harm, not to you nor your family. You can take comfort in knowing that I am no longer residing in Brooklyn at all and that it is extremely unlikely that our paths will ever cross again in this lifetime whether by accident or design.
Again I wish you all the best and continue to pray for your happiness in all that you do.
Happy Birthday,
Alinda
Posted by digitalmuse at 1:09 PM
February 26, 2007
One Still is the Loneliest Number
stayed home sick today...woke up and couldn't swallow...had developed a headache that wouldn't go away last night and thsi morning I woke up and just couldn't. Not that i get to rest at home because that dumb project for work is still lingering and i have to still finish it..which i will....the genealogy research thing is still going...went to the movies this weekend to see Amazing Grace - pretty decent film...even though it doesn't seem to be getting much press...
treated myself to a bag this weekend...got my outfit for the awards ceremony....and been fighting overwhelming loneliness all weekend...cried some....and kept it moving...on the surface level in any case...
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February 21, 2007
Spirit
I had a conversation a few days ago with someone about Ash Wednesday and the things that people "traditionally" give up for lent - and we talked about giving up more unconventional things, like bad habits or things that were not as tangible as - meat or candy etc.....and i had been thinking abou tthat since that conversation and I have decided that for lent this year I am giving up my fear of being hurt....no not so tangible but something that I have allowed to color my judgement and interactions with others, that has prevented me from forming and developing relationships of any substance or meaning and that has fostered a battle within me that is constant over mind numbing depression and negative feelings that my spirit which is not one of sadness and gloom has had to fight with on a constant basis causing me to feel "tired for no reason - medically or otherwise" has made me subject to extreme mood swings, and has I feel taken a lot of the good and fun out of me...so I feel its fitting and in keeping with the path that I have chosen for myself that I let go of pain that keeps me from taking chances, and that i let go of hurt that keeps me prisoner in my own world afraid to venture out for fear of being hurt again...
During this lenten season....i am letting go one of the "learned" mentality and behaviours I have in retrospect clung to and because the old me...the me that suffered from low self-esteem, feelings of unworthhiness, fear of inadequacy and all manner of negative self value and worth must die...so that the new - REAL me who is not afraid, who walks in the authority given by God with a spirit that is triumphant - in this season of renewal and sacrifices that are made so that things would be BETTER this is what I choose...
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind;
2Timothy 1:7
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February 16, 2007
Family Tree
Got a new project to work on. The irony is not lost on me - I am doing the geneology research for my mother's family tree. The one without any roots helps to find someone else's how nice is that?
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February 14, 2007
I'll Take Your There...
and here on the tailend of that fiasco is an email from atlanta asking about uniforms....not even hello how are you how's dante.....just did you find out about the uniforms....
i really don't want to wind up in a place where i hate people but im being taken there.....
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February 9, 2007
A Movie not worth Seeing Ever
There's a movie out called "Norbit" that I refuse to spend one penny to go see. It boggles the mind how something like that gets made or in fact speaks to the complete depravity of Hollywood in the first place. If I had any respect for Eddie Murphy prior to the release of this movie its gone now. The trailers are painful to watch, the reviews have been consistently along the lines of those who found it offensive vs those who wanted "the fat slobs to stop whinning since its a comedy - its' funny"
On some level or another I feel ashamed as a black woman that a black man would make a movie like that and be ok with it. If it was a "money" issue there HAS to be some other way that the paper could have been made without creating that movie.
Why should white america have any respect for black women overweight or not, when our own men have none. The young minds running to see this movie today will be embued with the idea that it is FUNNY to hurl cruel insults at people because "you were only playing".
i have personally struggled with my weight most of my life. The cruel taunts and insults helped to convince me to be as introverted as possible when i was in school and the "perception" displayed in this movie about women who are overweight, is one I still have to deal with on occaision.
Sometimes black people, you can just be dead wrong....period.....
Eddie Murphy - making t his movie was dead wrong with absolutely no redeeming values at all....
Not only will i not spend one DIME seeing this movie i can promise I will never go to any movie that lists Eddie Murphy as part of the cast.
Posted by digitalmuse at 3:04 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
February 8, 2007
Have We Forgotten?
Almost a full week into what's known as "Black History Month" I have to say i feel somewhat removed the term and have been hard pressed to find any particular notice of it which in my mind is a stark contrast to what it was when i was a school aged child. Everywhere you went it seemed back then, there was mention of the fact, mention of those who led the fight for civil rights, and those who literally fought for their freedom from slavery.
It saddens me somewhat because as i look at the young kids and teens around me now, it would seem that they have "forgotten" what the struggle was about and worse that there even was a struggle in the first place. Evidenced I feel by the liberal use of the term "Nigga" so much so that some were moved to create an organization to gather support for the word not BEING used at all.
When I see young kids or even older adults on the street using the word, it makes me cringe, when i hear people arguing for their "right" to use this word I wonder, do they even understand or know how many people died because of that word, how absolutely and incredibly derogatory that word is. For some, it was the last thing they heard in this life. To fight for the right to use it as a means of "greeting" or that its just another "word" is somewhat amazing.
There was a show on Like It Is With Gil Noble this past sunday that showed archival footage of an incident that happened back in the 60's where some african americans were arrested during a protest in the south, and the interview was done with one of the women who explained how she, and her collegues were brought to the local county jail and beaten horribly, one by one, some by the troopers and some were beaten by one of the "black" inmates" at the behest of the troopers and police officers.
I watched this woman talk about seeing people beaten bloody, and within an inch of their life....even herself being beaten and having to be subject to blatantly open sexual abuse DURING the beating, and her constantly hearing that word over and over again....and then i hear someone somewhere talking about the word means nothing...its just a word....perhaps so....but as some IM sure will say, some words can hurt more than the biggest fist....
I am sure that woman on the interview would agree...
What have we, as a people come to, when we embrace the derogatory terminology used by those who enslaved us and tore apart our families. What does it say about us as a community when we rationalize the minstrel mindset and continue to produce entertainment, music and song that embraces this negativity in conjunction with misogynistic lyrics that objectify and alienate our sisters and say well.....bills got to be paid....trying to keep a roof over our head.....well if people wouldnt buy it we would be putting it out there....Was all the fighting for nothing, all the beatings and lynchings, do they mean nothing?
Sometimes I feel as though we are our own worst enemy. Blaming the white man for all our ills has become so much of an accepted practice that it almost feels like a part of the rites of passage - that you are automatically disenfranchised at birth - so why bother...
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test post
test entry please disregard
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January 31, 2007
Back and forth
While my mother is busy flipping her lid, my son sends me an email to tell me he's been offered an internship at one of the top engineering firms in the country.
I need to go out and do something or all this back and forth is going to drive me completely crazy
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And So It Is
the name of this blog is not by any means coincidental it is a VERy accurate translation.
My mother underwent a lung biopsy last week now the doctors want her to come in this week for a soft tissue biopsy she's flipping out she called me this morning to ask me what questions to ask the doctor i couldnt talk so i told her i would call her when i got in my office and just when i was about to go downstairs to call her i run into my supervisor who wanted to know "where" i was going and i had to tell her i was going to get a new case for my id which had broken so it wasnt a total lie but i couldnt go outside to call because i know she would be watching to see when i came back upstairs.
If I call now i have to leave my coat here because i can't keep running into her with my coat on - on top of this dante tells me last night that his doctors want to do surgery, evidently they want to remove his bladder and maybe his prostate and i have been in tears since yesterday afternoon
And lets see i've uninstalled yahoo messenger off my pc at home and told all the troll bastids that were begging me for sex to go to hell and that right now i dont need anyone around me who doesn't care about ME.
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January 12, 2007
test post
test post
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October 1, 2006
Opportunity
One thing i will speak to is our attributes that were how we identified each other during the course of the weekend. When we got in to register - we were asked which hand we use to write and do most tasks with. Then we were asked to use the other hand to select a card from a basket. The cards were printed out with various attributes and the reason for us using our (sub-dominant) hand is because the holy spirit can flow more freely through the hand that is less dominant - that being said my attribute this weekend was OPPORTUNITY
It was further stated during the course of the weekend that all the attributes that were brought into the room (via every one selecting one for themselves) where all the things needed and necessary for our experience.....that being said into that room and in that group of women...came, courage, faith, vulnerability, stillness, Order, Creativity, Beauty, Self worth, acknowledgement, to name a few....and to put that into perspective, imagine if you will sitting in a group and next to you on your right sits order, and on your left sits vulnerability.....imagine walking into a sacred space hand in hand with Faith.....imagine being embraced by Peace and Stillness....
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Wonder Woman Weekend
It would be for me trite and out of order for me to sit here and list out each and every facet of everything that transpired this weekend and would probably not make much sense in print as most of what happened had to be "experienced" to be completely appreciated.
What I can say is that this weekend for me, was a re-affirmation of all the things that I knew but was unsure of - that i had seen becoming manifest but are now real,
All that went on this weekend was part of the process of my growth and healing - mentally and spiritually and to sum it up in a nutshell...everything i need to handle all the things that life has and is and will present me with is within me. Very simple - this weekend was an opportunity to remind myself of that...
Posted by digitalmuse at 11:31 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 25, 2006
Ugh
ugh im looking around at this place and wishing i could throw every single thing out the door. Im going to have my hands full and busy with getting this place straightened out and its probably a good thing that the bed I ordered is not going to be shipped/delivered till November, I just might have things sorted out by then.
In the meantime....ugh....
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I'm ok - You're Ok...??
I felt like i was ok today. This morning I was running late but managed to get in on time. Didnt have the urge to cry and wasn't fighting back tears like I was last week. MAde it through the entire day feeling pretty good. Then all hell broke loose.
Funny thing about feeling ok in the midst of tremendous stress, everyone is so concerned about how you are doing and yet you "feel" fine...but then things happen to make you wonder how "fine" you really are. I have been losing things like crazy and thats not me. I felt out of sorts and not up to riding the subway home so i hopped a cab home...and was ok until we got off the Brooklyn Bridge, got as far as the prospect expressway and then became horribly lost.....cabbie was none too thrilled and to my horror and dismay i burst out crying...skipping past that part i actually made it home...which is how im able to even post here...called to check on Dante and he sounded really tired...told him i would speak to him in the AM. Called my mother and cut that short since i didnt really feel so much like talking to her....and then decided to post.
Someday I will actually be able to write about the feelings and emotions that I have been going through these last few days but that day is not today. Again I feel fine, i dont feel depressed, or hopeless, etc...I feel the weight of all that has transpired in the last few days pressing against me like an oversized shaggy dog waiting for me to take notice of it. I know its there...like a bag full of poison needles and I guess thats why i just let it sit - and keep wishing for it to all just dissapear.
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September 21, 2006
To Sleep, Perchance to Dream..
ok i actually made it through the day without the sky falling. Looks like dante found himself an apartment and I have to go with him to cosign his lease. That is our excursion for saturday. He will have to pack when he gets back tomorrow night. I feel at times numb and then again frustrated and sad at turns. Right now i feel a little overloaded and my mind is throwing up and goving over things at rapid fire pace. So much so that im too wired to sleep.
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September 20, 2006
Heartsick
Fever is back, been having chills for the last half hour or so. Pressures back up and head is pounding. Dante knows something is up but I haven't felt inclined to really talk much...i know he probably heard me crying earlier even though i tried not to let him hear...
why my heart doesnt just fall out of my chest to the ground and into a million pieces i dont know.
i feel like im right back in 2001 all over again... if i could find a room with no windows and just one door i would go in and lock the door and pray that it dissapeared...
I can't sit up here and type with tears in my eyes its hard to see, and also hard to explain and or prevent dante from seeing.
im actually scared to go llie back down seems like being in my room makes me cry...and i am so very tired of crying..
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September 16, 2006
Welcome Back
im planning on going to the gym tomorrow my body feels completely lousy and I really feel like it's time to get back and get down to serious business...
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A Star, A star...
i was given an opportunity this evening to name an actual star in the sky and have it be recorded in perpetuity - and I did....of course named it "Dante" I actually have the coordinates and probably around christmas i will give him the certificate issued with the name, and coordinates of the star (which is in the Leo constellation) and it has the following inscription(i can do this because he doesn't read my blog)
If all the world shone bright as you -
we would live in eternal day -
and the world would be covered in rainbows...
Oh for those of you that don't know he is a Leo ...
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The Stress
its taking its toll.....my pressure has been really high most of the day. I have had a horrible headache on and off all day long...as much as things have fallen into place, having to figure out what to do, and how to do it, and when with regards to after the house (moms) and deal with all the vultures that are now swwoping down as they have heard i might have two extra pennies and they want one...
and i never stop being eternally tired - down in my soul not just physically tired....
i may not cry on the outside...but inside the tears flow freely....
struggling each day to make decisions and to "do" whatever needs to be done and at least outwardly keep a smile on one's face...
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Step By Step
With all the rain we have been having lately, my legs have really been painful and walking has been a real challenge - not going to the gym for over a week im sure hasn't helped either but i figured with all the work being done at the house to move and clear out stuff it would have balanced out but evidently not.
Last night i had to go to UPS to retrieve a package that was sent but that there was no one home to accept delivery on. The UPS office is way out in the middle of an "industrial" park with no houses and at that time of night (around 9ishPM) there were very few cars as well, words like desolate and deserted come to mind... in any case as im walking im thinking to myself that this is how people turn up missing - walking through areas like this alone...and i thought if someone drove up right now i could dissapear and no one would even know what happened...and as that thought was rolling around in my head i wondered, what am i doing wrong? Why does it have to be this way?
What am i missing ? I remember thinking I need to refocus and of all things i pulled back from wondering what was wrong to actually focusing on the grinding pains in my legs from the hips down into my knees and actually just concentrated on the pain and was at least able for the time it took me to walk the four long isolated blocks to the UPS office, forget the whys and the wondering what i might or might not be doing wrong....
just focused on the pain and put one foot in front of the other....kind of like what i do every day of my life...
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Young Fools
That a person who has barely kept in contact with me, and who availed themselves of my services in web design without adhering to the contract that was agreed to and drawn up, to think, that the minute i may have a few extra cents in my hand, that they can just out of left field "borrow" just on general principle reminds me of why I keep saying i don't have much use for people - and the question again comes up what am i doing wrong that these kinds of people "glom" onto me ??
Add another to the loss column as whatever friendship there WAS is about done. I am reminded of the struggle to get my son and his things back to new york and i had no means of transportation to get him and the ONE person who had a truck mind you refused to do it even though he was paid GAS money and i even wound up paying him to just take me home once he refused to go into philly....i find myself much less tolerant of bullshyt as i get older and this....is classic bullshyt. It is also insulting and i feel completely and totally disrepectful.
And I don't need people like that in my life
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Old Fools
Clearing out my mom's is finally over but not without incident. The Perry's who once were the "IT" couple of brooklyn along with their "gay as a flagpole in may" son Frankie, as they ever have done had one last chance at trying to harass me as the house was being cleaned out.
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