Me Myself and I: April 2007 Archives

Week 2 of my "vacation" and i think i finally got a handle on my sleep or lack of i should say. Tylenol PM is a life saver. Now if i can only get back to sleeping at night instead of in the daytime. I have a doctor's appointment on thursday just to make sure everything else is ok. Next project I have to work on is the "Thank You" cards and that will be a big one. I also have to "force" myself to get out and get back into going into the city more. I am trying to get in gear to go to the gym - i feel like I need to go. Will try tomorrow uh today uh tuesday to get over to the gym at least for a quick workout.

Am ok otherwise at least as far as I can tell....

Sighs....

i feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and yet i find myself desperately scrambling to find and cling to what little good has happened in the last few days.....like a shipwrecked sailor clinging to what is left of the vessel he sailed on, i find myself compelled to try and find the good and the positive - else fall into despair....the battle itself makes me weary...a battle that started many many years ago..and has continued throughout my adult life...

A lot of things were going on in the midst of my son's passing...i learned who my friends really are and i learned who they are not....at the risk of winding up a total and complete recluse there are some people in my life who really don't deserve to be there. I have spent too much time in my life caring for and being mindful of everyone else's wants needs and desires and at this point im done. Brave words when again the flip side of this right now is silence....no one is calling and no one has been by save one "friend" who actually has been more of a friend to me than those who knew me for years....
Ambivalent about that situation at times - happy for and eternally for his presence, I have no idea how i would have managed here alone for so long....no i do have an idea it was divine providence that i was not put into that position. Saddened by the knowledge that if he were not here i would be as i am tonight alone....

Im going to sleep listening to this one....once again this about sums up where i am and what I am feeling - the art (is mine) does too - dark and brooding.....with a elizabethan twist.....go figures...

I saw an old friend of our today
She asked about you and I didn't quite know what to say
Heard you've been makin' the rounds round here
While I've been tryin' to make the tears disappear

Now I'm almost over you
I've almost shook these blues
So when you come back around
After painting the town you'll see
That I'm almost over you