ugh im looking around at this place and wishing i could throw every single thing out the door. Im going to have my hands full and busy with getting this place straightened out and its probably a good thing that the bed I ordered is not going to be shipped/delivered till November, I just might have things sorted out by then.
In the meantime....ugh....
I felt like i was ok today. This morning I was running late but managed to get in on time. Didnt have the urge to cry and wasn't fighting back tears like I was last week. MAde it through the entire day feeling pretty good. Then all hell broke loose.
Funny thing about feeling ok in the midst of tremendous stress, everyone is so concerned about how you are doing and yet you "feel" fine...but then things happen to make you wonder how "fine" you really are. I have been losing things like crazy and thats not me. I felt out of sorts and not up to riding the subway home so i hopped a cab home...and was ok until we got off the Brooklyn Bridge, got as far as the prospect expressway and then became horribly lost.....cabbie was none too thrilled and to my horror and dismay i burst out crying...skipping past that part i actually made it home...which is how im able to even post here...called to check on Dante and he sounded really tired...told him i would speak to him in the AM. Called my mother and cut that short since i didnt really feel so much like talking to her....and then decided to post.
Someday I will actually be able to write about the feelings and emotions that I have been going through these last few days but that day is not today. Again I feel fine, i dont feel depressed, or hopeless, etc...I feel the weight of all that has transpired in the last few days pressing against me like an oversized shaggy dog waiting for me to take notice of it. I know its there...like a bag full of poison needles and I guess thats why i just let it sit - and keep wishing for it to all just dissapear.
ok i actually made it through the day without the sky falling. Looks like dante found himself an apartment and I have to go with him to cosign his lease. That is our excursion for saturday. He will have to pack when he gets back tomorrow night. I feel at times numb and then again frustrated and sad at turns. Right now i feel a little overloaded and my mind is throwing up and goving over things at rapid fire pace. So much so that im too wired to sleep.
Fever is back, been having chills for the last half hour or so. Pressures back up and head is pounding. Dante knows something is up but I haven't felt inclined to really talk much...i know he probably heard me crying earlier even though i tried not to let him hear...
why my heart doesnt just fall out of my chest to the ground and into a million pieces i dont know.
i feel like im right back in 2001 all over again... if i could find a room with no windows and just one door i would go in and lock the door and pray that it dissapeared...
I can't sit up here and type with tears in my eyes its hard to see, and also hard to explain and or prevent dante from seeing.
im actually scared to go llie back down seems like being in my room makes me cry...and i am so very tired of crying..
im planning on going to the gym tomorrow my body feels completely lousy and I really feel like it's time to get back and get down to serious business...
i was given an opportunity this evening to name an actual star in the sky and have it be recorded in perpetuity - and I did....of course named it "Dante" I actually have the coordinates and probably around christmas i will give him the certificate issued with the name, and coordinates of the star (which is in the Leo constellation) and it has the following inscription(i can do this because he doesn't read my blog)
If all the world shone bright as you -
we would live in eternal day -
and the world would be covered in rainbows...
Oh for those of you that don't know he is a Leo ...
its taking its toll.....my pressure has been really high most of the day. I have had a horrible headache on and off all day long...as much as things have fallen into place, having to figure out what to do, and how to do it, and when with regards to after the house (moms) and deal with all the vultures that are now swwoping down as they have heard i might have two extra pennies and they want one...
and i never stop being eternally tired - down in my soul not just physically tired....
i may not cry on the outside...but inside the tears flow freely....
struggling each day to make decisions and to "do" whatever needs to be done and at least outwardly keep a smile on one's face...
With all the rain we have been having lately, my legs have really been painful and walking has been a real challenge - not going to the gym for over a week im sure hasn't helped either but i figured with all the work being done at the house to move and clear out stuff it would have balanced out but evidently not.
Last night i had to go to UPS to retrieve a package that was sent but that there was no one home to accept delivery on. The UPS office is way out in the middle of an "industrial" park with no houses and at that time of night (around 9ishPM) there were very few cars as well, words like desolate and deserted come to mind... in any case as im walking im thinking to myself that this is how people turn up missing - walking through areas like this alone...and i thought if someone drove up right now i could dissapear and no one would even know what happened...and as that thought was rolling around in my head i wondered, what am i doing wrong? Why does it have to be this way?
What am i missing ? I remember thinking I need to refocus and of all things i pulled back from wondering what was wrong to actually focusing on the grinding pains in my legs from the hips down into my knees and actually just concentrated on the pain and was at least able for the time it took me to walk the four long isolated blocks to the UPS office, forget the whys and the wondering what i might or might not be doing wrong....
just focused on the pain and put one foot in front of the other....kind of like what i do every day of my life...
That a person who has barely kept in contact with me, and who availed themselves of my services in web design without adhering to the contract that was agreed to and drawn up, to think, that the minute i may have a few extra cents in my hand, that they can just out of left field "borrow" just on general principle reminds me of why I keep saying i don't have much use for people - and the question again comes up what am i doing wrong that these kinds of people "glom" onto me ??
Add another to the loss column as whatever friendship there WAS is about done. I am reminded of the struggle to get my son and his things back to new york and i had no means of transportation to get him and the ONE person who had a truck mind you refused to do it even though he was paid GAS money and i even wound up paying him to just take me home once he refused to go into philly....i find myself much less tolerant of bullshyt as i get older and this....is classic bullshyt. It is also insulting and i feel completely and totally disrepectful.
And I don't need people like that in my life
Clearing out my mom's is finally over but not without incident. The Perry's who once were the "IT" couple of brooklyn along with their "gay as a flagpole in may" son Frankie, as they ever have done had one last chance at trying to harass me as the house was being cleaned out.
I secured dumpsters to clear out my mom's house since there was money in escrow that she could have lost if we didnt clear out everything asap. These trrifling individuals thought it would be ok to just "DUMP" their construction debris into the dumpster I PAID for without asking beforehand if it was ok to do so. The "beyond trifling individuals that were working their "job" were so disrespectful they climbed all into the dumspter like it was theirs and one even had the audacity to tell me "oh if i had been doing the work, you wouldnt have needed two dumpsters."
It got so out of hand that finally I wound up calling my mother to tell her what was going on and she somehow managed to find Frank and Ophelia Perry's number and called them to ask why they were throwing debris in the dumpster.
I still cannot believe that his wife the so hgh and mighty Ophelia Perry" came outside and procceded to yell down the street that i was "lying" on her husband, and that i was nothing but trash ??
This from a woman who is old enough to be my mother, yelling down the street like some hoodrat and her husband the punk that he is didnt say so much as a word.
couple of songs are rolling around in my head......it's actually been almost a year....and what a year it's been...
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes - how do you measure,
measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In 525,600 minutes
how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love.
Seasons of love.
525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan. 525,600 minutes - how can you measure
the life of a woman or man
Finally after all these weeks of waiting - we closed on the house yesterday. It only took three hours - plus the extra three hours the bank decided to take before they released the bulk of the funds. Mom cried a couple of times, still attached to the house I guess...and i guess it just finally hit her that the house was gone...but we got everything we needed to do done - we immediately left the office where the closing took place and ran over to citibank so she could close out an account she had there - there are no citibank branches in SC we had three more stops to make but we made them all and got back home before sundaown....i was aamant about the dumpster thing though and i called and reserved a dumpster and 2 guys to come haul the rest of that junk out of the house...and im happy to say it is all FINISHED!!!
Cept for the verbal altercation i got into with this senile old bag that lives two houses down....
actually have been so incredibly busy this week especially I haven't really had time to post but i think i shall make up for that tonight - must be the exhaustion talking...
"Do you know where you're going to,"
Right now Im trying to figure that out for once and fo r all
"Do you like the things that life is showing you...."
Mostly no....
Reason being, im just not happy with my life right now..With my birthday fast approaching,I am finding mself a great deal more introspective and reflective on my life, my goals and dreams...
