Tonight, im wistful....full of thoughts of things hoped for and dreamed about...but as of yet unfulfilled...tired and unwilling to deal with any problems...seeking the ever elusive "peace of mind"
Or a decent's night sleep for a change will suffice...one where i dont wind up crying myself to sleep would be even better...
This is one of the renders that I did over the weekend, this is what it started out like
This is what it wound UP like - Finished Product?
Usually I find that with an image I know is going to be good, its hard to leave it alone LOL meaning that the more you mess around with it the more things you can do with it - in short the possibilities are endless.... as was the case with this one.
Today, is Dante's birthday...lots of emoitons and things floating around today. But I think going forward as has been the case, that we both get more opportunities to transcend the circumstances, rather than become victims to them.
Sorry but no mushy tear-jerker post this morning. Today is just one day of many that I choose to be happy in spite of and in DEFIANCE of the circumstances around me.
Aside from the regular chaos of this past weekend count and add to the weekends festivities, several blasts from the past(must be that time of year?) I wonder if there is such a thing as a personality type that is conducive to attracting that response - naw im thinking they are just idiots...basically...but this weekend was rife with them...
I am claiming a good week - and will not accept anything less...and i will do whatever I have to to make it so.
Profound and true
I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy
To see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When i was goin' insane
Tryin' to walk through the pain
When i lost my grip
And i hit the floor
Yeah, i thought i could leave
But couldn't get out the door
I was so sick n' tired
Of livin' a lie
I was wishing that i would die
Chorus:
It's amazing
With the blink of an eye
You finally see the light
It's amazing
That when the moment arrives
You know you'll be alright
It's amazing
And i'm saying a prayer
To the desperate hearts tonight
That one last shot's a permanent vacation
And a how high can you fly with broken wings
Life's a journey - not a destination
And i just can't tell just what tomorrow brings
You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk
But i just couldn't listen
To all that righteous talk
I was out on the street
Just tryin' to survive
Scratchin' to stay alive
I was going to post about the surgery and how the day went but I feel like i have no emotions from which to draw from in order to convey the events.
After today im just numb............and maybe its better that way....
Title of the image is "Goodbye Girl"
reminded me of the song....and yes this is one of "mine"
Even though a man grown, there is something about watching your child sleep...mind diversion today, tomorrow who knows.....
Need a diversion today...but its too hot to go outside in search of one...i wish i could fall asleep so easily as this one ....
Just know I need to keep the tears at bay today
When it rains it pours,
My site this site was down for over a week due to what originally I thought to be technical diffiuclties but turned out to be some hacker's idea of a good con, To set up a redirect on my server that would take information from people under the guise of it being an ebay account. I was about to cancel the account when finally it was restored(Which is why im posting now) the FBI are involved as is ebay directly etc...its a whole big mess...one which im not willing to deal with....and i asked them to shut down the account. They after a few choice words from me restored the site within minutes....
It is and goes without saying that my plate has been much too full for this kind of thing. I have sorely missed the ability to post here as it has and does help me to deal with a great many things that i might not be able to otherwise...
I really hate that i can't manage to sleep through an entire night without waking up at least once...
Am in the process of downloading and uploading hundreds of photos - some of my son's graduation, some of his trip to Washington DC for the Presidential Classroom Program, and some of the trip we took to CT right after he came out of the hospital the first time.
I have never had any prints made from these pictures and the idea came about from my mother asking for dane's graduation pics. I am actually going to send her some 8x10's of his graduation pics but i will also send her some of the pictures he took in DC, like the one on the Senate Floor, and a couple of others that are taken from various places around dc of note.
We (dante and I ) got into adebate trying to find a picture he took i dont know how long ago but is of course a subway pic(smiles) with a sunset in the background and a J train in the foreground and was one of his more "artistc" efforts - lol but he doesnt remember when he took the pic and with all the pictures he's taken we may never find it
Just got an email from my sista friend that said "the saga continues..."
As does mine, so i can wholly empathize with that statement. It is not an aspiration to live as i do now, which is almost like a bad greek tragedy, but here i am nonetheless...While I am accepting of my feelings on a great many things, I am not and never will be accepting of some of the situations and circumstances that I am forced to deal with. Knowing that is more than half the battle...i just need to adjust my responses accordingly....easier said than done at times....when life rubs you raw and reminds you of all that you are lacking.usually at your weakest moments.....but im a fighter, and i will fight till they close the lid on my box .....and what's more I will not apologize for any of the choices and decisions that I have made in my life good or bad, they were my choices - i have to live with them..and even if they were bad choices, i have to live with those too as well as the consequences that came from them.
I will not live my life being "sorry"
Days like today i wonder if i will ever get over not having any more children and not living the "domesticated" life that i thought i would be by now...it's not like i have much of a choice....but how do you learn to live a life that is not "you"
things to ponder...
made it to Pilates Class this morning. Resolved to make more of an effort to make it to this class even though its EARLY on a sunday morning. The instructor is good and funny and its well worth the missed sleep and long ride in. My abs are still atrocious....but my legs and more importantly my hips are responding to the yoga...i definitely have more range of movement than when i started and i surprised myself with some moves i didnt think I wold be able to do. The three count push-ups are murder - but i do them anyway....most things i have troubles with are ab related...but even that has improved slightly but there's a long way to go with those...
35 minutes on the elliptical machine and 267 calories burned to show for it...
Not too shabby for an early sunday morning...
Tomorrow it's Back to Work....and back to the grind...
prose before bedtime?
Each day i try
Just to get by
I think of you and begin to sigh
My eyes they burn, my heart it cries...
but you don't hear me
Laying alone and awake at night
Dreaming of you and holding my pillow tight
The tears they come while i try to fight
But my heart still cries
And you dont hear me
I try so hard and I pray
To get through each and every day
Without your touch, or smile and say
Ohits alright, I will be ok...
the beat my heart it plays for you every day
But you don't hear me
I speak and my words leave no trace
They bypass you and travel off in space
AS the tears they fall and stream down my face
But you dont hear me
My cries begin to grow fainter till
I'm Fading fast, suddenly now still
No more tears to cry
As my soul it starts to fly...
This flesh to leave - and be let go
No more will i have to suffer so
my last words to speak " i love you so"
but now you CANT hear me....
at the risk of being entirely too flip....Good Night Gracie lol
If as the song suggests "all you need is love" then I have been suffering from starvation and malnutrition for a remakrably long time( my entire life actually) and I am given on occaisions such as a rainy night like this to wonder - how long it is before i sucumb and expire from the lack of love in my life....
Inquiring minds, after all im sure would like to know....
yes this is tongue in cheek....but prety much heartfelt...that has been over the expanse of my life the one thing that has continued for the most part to be removed and remain missing from my life ...love.....
I wonder at what point do you just give up.....
PS For the slow people out there - i am not talking about physical (sex) love although that is very small part of it....I am more talking about the kind of love (as i was about to embark on a long explanation this one liner came to me) that i never ever seem to be able to find...those of you who know me will understand what this means.
With my next birthday looming large, reflecting on my life has taken on a life of its own. With all the things that I had grown up with as dreams and goals all pretty much unfulfilled, I stand poised - and being compelled to "figure out" or reinvent myself..or sink into hopeless despair.
My life as i had envisioned it growing up and growing older is at this point nothing close to what I envisioned. And with the passing of time I have to find other dreams and new goals lest i begin to feel like my life has no meaning..and no purpose....Much as I try I have been unsuccessful in trying to figure out "what next". The home, the husband, the children, friends and social life all nonexistent. All the dreams I had are quickly growing obsolete and outdated.
One indeed is the loneliest number ...that is the one consistent thing throughout my entire life...and going into the next year of my life seems to be the harbinger for things to come...
Clear out the rest of my mother's house, this includes getting rid of pieces of furniture that were left that she did not want an dthis must be done expeditiously as there is a re-appraisal that needs to be done asap. All this work must be done by me. My son cannot help me and there's no one else to help with moving the furniture or the cleaning and mopping that has to be done to each floor. Lest one be misled, there are things like china cabinets and wardrobe closets scattered throughout the house that i have to find ways to remove...some up a flight of stairs...so its not just a sweep and mop type clean up
I have already gotten nasty phone calls from her - when thinking i hadn't been over to start clearing out the house she decided to call me and threaten me on the phone at work. at home, on the way to work and on the way home...to the point where i dont even feel like answering my phone anymore
Finally get the new insurance authorization system that I have been "designated" as the caretaker for. a system that right now will take authorization requests from 30 social workers but will ultimately be department wide - which will mean I alone will be processing insurance authorizations for over 105 social workers both inpatient and outpatient. I have been saddled with creating the system by which to do this, the actual processing of each request, the creation of a filing system to archive all the requests as they come in, AND to compile a database of all the insurance carriers.This in addition to already maintaining and creating a skilled nursing facility database that contains contact information for all the skilled nursing facilities within the NY area (there are 322), completing acute rehab packets(referrals to rehabilitation facilities which consist of chart notes and doctors notes retreived from the online med notes system.
Complete the name change for the org,, make good on the monies "appropriated" by one of the staff members who thought it would be cute to just collect registration fees and not turn them in and not make restitution.
Somehow find time to redo my hair (its braided) and it takes about a day to rebraid - at least half an afternoon to take out.
continue to CONSISTENTLY attend the gym and work towards getting back down to a more normal weight and size for health reasons. This means i dont get home before 7 any day of the week.
go to the lab and take the glucose tolerance test - my doctors have requested that i take one
wait for the results of the scans from my son's radiation treatment to see if it worked or didnt
if it worked how well, and when the next treatment would be if there needs to be one? If it didnt to find out what's next and Ultimately to find out if he will even be able to go back to college in the fall.
Find a way to cope with the greatest love that i have ever known which has caused me some of the harshest pain i have ever endured,
Stave off a major financial crisis (see above)
not lose my mind in the process
IT is often said that love conquers all and "All You Need Is Love"
Conversely I think that you need the STRENGTH to be in love. Love is not for the weak nor the faint hearted. It takes courage, the kind that would make someone walk through fire, self sacrifice which is sorely lacking in many relationships today as many are running around still spouting the "me" generation crap which being "me" oriented even in the context of a relationship - its just a PC way of saying you're selfish. Selfishness has no place, True love wants to be expressed and let go, either by word or deed. The suppression of this is akin to being smoothered with a pillow. No it isn't easy, this is not what they teach you as you are growing up. We grow up instead with this picture of falling in love and the "happily ever after" ending. Which as far as I see only happens in Grimm's Fairy Tales and Disney Movies.
when you start to feel like you dont' matter, when one gets tired of having their heart stepped on and tossed about like a mere trifle, when being vulnerable is tantamount to being kicked in the gut, when explanations only lead to recriminations, and there is apparently no meeting of the minds...you really have but one recourse
to withdraw, shut out the pain and put up the walls of protection less the hurt and the pain swallow you up whole..and leave nothing but a mere shadow where once a human being stood....
today I am overwhelmed....I didnt sleep last night....and i have burst into tears twice already today. My head feels like it wants to explode and everything demands attention NOW. I feel like the whole world is shouting at me and all i want to do is crawl off somewhere and have a moment of quiet...but it's not happening. Right now all at once, i feel the weight of all the worry, anxiety, stress of everything I have been having to deal with...and i would give up if i thought it would do any good....As hard and as long as i have fought to stay away from being depressed....i feel today i lost that fight....
so very restless I am tonight....sleep will not come....nerves are on edge....am headed outside to sit on the steps - and listen to that song again.....
I actually had to stop listening to it...it started to hurt...reminders....of fresh hurts....still raw and unhealed...and the salty tears do nothing but inflame the wounds more rather than cause healing. Perhaps exhaustion can do what nothing else seems to be able to do....at least i can pray and hope...
I actually had to search for the lyrics for this song it is so etched in my brain here they go:
I look at you
You look at me
you can't help it you're feeling butterflies
It's obvious
We have chemistry
I think I know it cuz it feels so right
Girl I wanted so long to know
Now your telling me you gotta let it go
Don't tell me I have to start all over again
I never thought that this day would come
This is something that i've wanted in my life
I realize that you're the one
and you're telling me it's time to say goodbye
to put this out of my heart
It aint' gonna change
So it shouldn't be so easy to walk away
You feel it I feel it
Lets not be tense
Baby i dont know what love is
Maybe I'm a fool
I just know what I'm feeling
and it's all because of you
don't tell me
I dont know I want the truth
Cuz they call it
We call it
You call it
I call it Love
It's so clear for you to see
don't let anybody tell you what to do
Why can't the just let us be happy
I don't want to find somebody new
If you know what's real in your heart
then don't let them tear us apart
Cuz you feel it
I feel it
Let's think this through
Baby, I don't know what love is
Maybe I'm a fool
I just know what I'm feeling
and it's all because of you
don't tell me
I dont know
I want the truth
cuz they call it
We call it
You call it
I call it love
We have a bond thats unbreakable
and its not time to let it go
and now that we know its real
we are going to let it show
to the whole world
that i'm yours forever
and you're my girl
Baby i dont know what love is
Maybe I'm a fool
i just know what i'm feeling
and it's all because of you
don't tell me
I don't know
I want the truth
cuz they call it
we call it
you call it
I call it love
Ever have a song stick in your head and you can't get rid of it...Ever have a song move you to tears.....ever have a song remind you of someone so strong that hearing the intro brings up a vision of that person...
maybe i dont know what love is
maybe im a fool
i just know what im feeling
and its all because of you
don't tell me i dont know
i want the truth
cause they call it
we call it
you call it
I call it love...
Really mising that "touch" this weekend. Have to learn to live without it yet again.HAving to do without it doesn't make it any easier. I am ok for the most part as long as I don't think too much...which for me is next to impossible. .MAde it to the gym yesterday. Did 35 min on the elliptical machine and then took a pilates class afterwards. Now today im actually sore. I think the "bridge's " did it because its my right shoulder that's sore. Oh well im just going to do cardio today and tomorrow and give it a chance to rest.
Heavy heart and heavy thoughts today in spite of all outward appearances......
"cause if there's a smile upon my face, it's only there just to fool the public..."
Night two of major insomnia. Does it count as insomnia when you just never go to sleep in the first place?
I managed to drift off into a truly uneasy sleep and woke up to some movie on tv and someone had just been found dead. A woman who i guess was a relative or close friend, was devastated by what had happened. There was a scene where she was trying to fall asleep and was in bed with her estranged husband and in her tossing and turning and trying to fall asleep she kept scooting back in the bed until her "husband" reached out and pulled her into his arms...and she actually then was able to sleep....
And i thought - touch...the power of touch...
Sunned up yesterday so well....
During Dante's treatment i couldnt go NEAR him let alone touch him. It didnt keep me from staying right next(stall) to him and maintaining a conversation with him while watching a movie which is what we normailly do. I remember the Radiolgy Chief going down the safety list...and saying you don't want to be in close proximity, like hugs or anything for an extended time for at least 24 hours....(don't touch) I remember while he was saying all this thinking, if my son wanted or needed a hug right now....you and your damned safety precautions could go to hell...
I remember catching myself while the guy was talking and saying "don't cry, not now not in front of dante" I looked up and looked around the room and saw that look that people always get when they are around us(me and dante) that "we're so sorry for you and my isn't it sad what these two are going through" and i thought about "touch" again..wondering in that moment what i would give to be held....just for an instant...the thought causing me to shudder...and shiver....
Thinking even deeper, not all touches are physical....i had a few "touches" yesterday that had nothing to do with a physical touch per say....people demanding material things not giving a good damn about cancer, or radiation - and itreatments, or sickness, or anything remotely related. These kinds of touches generally by virtue of their insensitivity cause me to withdraw whether out of pain or unwillingness to deal with the harsh realism it invokes...
Fell completely and totall yoff the wagon today....but it was bound to happen eventually. Just means more time spent in the gym and getting right back into the swing of things tomorrow....lol "Tomorrow is another day..." I think i have been watching too much Gone With The Wind.....
If i can finish out the next few days in the gym I will feel a lot better and my goal is to go straight through to the weekend.
I am probably going to expand my cardio segment to an hour a day and just maintain the circuits I have been doing and alternate those with pilates or some form of yoga.....until i can find an abdominals class that fits into my schedule...
Pretty maudlin stuff for a day that is supposed to be full of "celebrations" I personally haven't "celebrated" the 4th of july since before 2004 which is the year Dante first took ill and was in the hospital all summer.
Thinking about the situation has a tendency to do that - bring dark thoughts and gloomy errata. Thinking about spending another "holiday" alone, thinking about how thats not the case on the "other side" having to find things to "keep one's mind off" the hurt and pain...It just seems that a lot of time and energy are spent in dealing with a no-win situation. And yet contemplating walking away is right now the equivalent of stepping off the side of a cliff into nothing....and hoping you don't fall....
Pretty maudlin stuff for a day that is supposed to be full of "celebrations" I personally haven't "celebrated" the 4th of july since before 2004 which is the year Dante first took ill and was in the hospital all summer.
Thinking about the situation has a tendency to do that - bring dark thoughts and gloomy errata. Thinking about spending another "holiday" alone, thinking about how thats not the case on the "other side" having to find things to "keep one's mind off" the hurt and pain...It just seems that a lot of time and energy are spent in dealing with a no-win situation. And yet contemplating walking away is right now the equivalent of stepping off the side of a cliff into nothing....and hoping you don't fall....
Oh if they could but open up and expose all that is inside, and see all the heartache and pain that lies within. All and sundry would be stricken with amazement, that a continuation of normal functions would be possible,
It is so very true, that no one else knows my pain or hears my tears...except God Almighty...
maybe someday he will get tired of hearing me cry....
We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts, we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtelties.
Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all ou rtears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask
We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from torured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!
We Wear The Mask - Paul Lawrence Dunbar(1872 - 1906)
Tomorrow's to-do list is shaping up to be interesting. Aside from the mundane, laundry and house cleaning, I get to say goodbye to the only home I have ever known for almost all of my life.
I spent over 20 years at Covert Street. There's so many memories tied to that house. Yet I have to make my peace with the memories and the pain that some of them caused, and is still causing. If that weren't enough, I am supposed to meet up with "C" later on in the afternoon. I am of course, not looking forward to it. I actually feel like a prisoner on death row. However at this point I don't feel like I have much recourse. The "bright" spot in te midst of all this is that i will more than likely go to the gym before i meet up with "C"
I may need to go back afterward....
"It seems to me that there are more hearts
broken in the world that can't be mended
Left Unattended
What do we do? What do we do?"
Alone Again, Naturally - Gilbert O'Sullivan
Another week in the books. I have to say i feel somewhat better. I have noticed that I am walking some better so thats a definite improvement. I discovered the ellipticl machine this week and yes, I admit freely, I am hooked. Its a great low impact work out thtat BURNS CALORIES like crazy. It reminds me somewhat of a stairmaster but less stress on the knees.
I did pilates today and would luck up and have an instructor who was very flexible and did some moves that I wasn't even about to try because I know i would have wound up in the hospital twisted up out of shape. All in all it was a good workout though. I really am going to have to try and work in at least two sessions of Yoga a week. It's a little tricky to do as the way my gym class schedules are I can only go in the evenings ad most of the evenining yoga classes are reservation only.
But I will work on that this week. I need the stretches, and i definitely could use the abdominal work. So I will see how i can arrange things so that I can do that.
It occurs to me, that hearing praise from others about doing a "good job" on some project or on something you do for someone else is ok. For someone like me, who has spent most of her adult life doing things for other people, it is and will be refreshing(?) to hear "good job" in reference to something that I am doing for myself. In fact I actually feel like all the time and energy I spend in doing for others that im at a point in my life where i need to spend some of that time and energy on PROJECTME
