Recently in Me Myself and I Category

Actually had a good weekend. A lot of it was spent having wild crazy sex (grins) some of it spent reflecting on the good things that have happened in my life of late (this in response to the crazy letter from my apartment management company about missing rent payments that I have thanks to chase copies of the payments and that they were sent. - thank God for online bill pay).

Got to talk to s.o. a bit we both agreed that we are going to go check out W. Also are planning on celebrating all weekend WHEN Barack Obama wins the presidency of these here united states.

Hell we may actually go buy some KFC and watermelon and wash it down with Red Koolaid - a la Chaffey County Republican Women Federated

Going to the gym today dagnabbit need to be in better shape for the upcoming "Festivities"

Lata

Have made it to the gym a few times but haven't blogged like I wanted to. First time I have really felt like writing anything.

First of all there was a major project that i "volunteered" to do at work with regards to a co-worker who was retiring. I volunteered to put together a video presentation for her retirement "party" and got major accolades from everyone there including the director of the department. In fact the response was so well that I was presented last Thursday with a "Falcon Award" which the place I work gives out to employees who exhibit superior performance and is given upon recommendation of a department head and or a manager and i was actually presented by both.

i was a little surprised as i am used to people going gaga over some of the stuff i put together since im not one to shout from the rooftops about all the things that I know how to do.
The timing on this is interesting as the position that was vacated as a result of this retirement opens up interviews this coming week. I had long ago put in my resume - actually before they "officially" started asking if anyone was interested in the position. i actually have an interview this coming Tuesday with the director for this position.

I will set one intention right now - if i manage to obtain this position I promise that after making sure all my bills are paid and up to date that my goal will be to arrange and make a trip to Jerusalem as a pilgrimage if you will - because I feel and know that aside from my potential qualifications etc for the job, that if i get it it will be a blessing from God( I feel) and I feel that with all that has gone on in my life in the last year or two that if the opportunity presents itself for me to go on pilgrimage, then I have to make it a top priority to go.

Things with S are still the same. This weekend i didn't see him because he spent time with his Aunt "Tine" who has been diagnosed with cancer and is not doing so well. As she spent substantial time with him and was a care giver for him when he was a child growing up he's close to her and so i could understand him making a point to spend some time with her. while she has not been very forthcoming with regards to her condition and prognosis, from what I understand from various members of the family, S included she's not doing well at all.

This is one of those things that you pray on and ask for understanding and patience. As much as i would have liked to see and or spend some time with S, had to understand the circumstance and accept it with grace. Notice I said with grace - to accept it any other way would have been in actuality non-acceptance.

Lastly but not at all least I am going to try to get back into spin class this week. the challenge to that is the classes fill up very quickly. I already tried to get in the class here by my house but they are already full up for monday night. Tomorrow when i get to work I will have to call and see if out of the two gyms by me either one has a spot open. That will again be a challenge because the area where they are usually they are always filled up but I promise to try at least and if I can't get into the spin class I STILL will go to the gym anyway.

At least that is my INTENTION....

Peace...

Still feeling sad today - can't talk about too much - tears are not far and i have to maintain especially around strangers. So much sadness....spoke for a minute - I still feel like he has doubts - and that hurts so so much. KNowing that he doesnt trust me...really truly hurts...at a time like this when i really need him im having to deal with him actually not believing me in this of all things? I can't and believe me i've tried to figure out what possible reason someone would have for makign THIS up - especially knowing what I have been through. I can't for the life of me figure that out. I know he has said that because of his situation with carol? that he's leary? Funny because im not trying to get anything out of him and in fact i am the one who LOST.....apparently in more than one way.....and the innocent get punished with the guilty...

Alone again - Naturally

Wake up to blood - fall asleep in pain scared but knowing what it all means.
confirmation of what you already know is true from all the times in the past that this has happened does nothign to ease the pain - not the mental pain. Dissapointment hangs heavy, and the empty apartment seems ginormous and more empty than usual...

Wish I could just curl up into a ball - then again not it won't change anything - I will still be losing another one not knowing if there will be another one and the thought itself is just crushing and makes me feel like i can't breathe...

hot tears squeeze out the corners of my eyes and slide down my cheeks - and right now i feel more alone than i have in a long time...

Well no call and I guess he's not coming. I did the test already and yep there was a line all right. Felt a little shaky looking at it...will call and make an appointment to see the dr monday - still debating on telling before the appointment or after...

sighs....so much to do...

Feeling really weird - i think im going to pick up an ept this weekend and see whats up if anything. I feel so dang bloated - boobs feel like they about to bust lol
I will make a run to the store saturday and hopefully I can do it when he's here and we can get the results together. Always wanted to do that. I remember dreaming something liek that where I would do the test and get to watch it with (well in the dream it was my husband) that person and when it came out positive they would be so happy and we both would be happy and excited dunno something real romantic and maybe a little corny about it but its something i've dreamed/wished for - for a loooooooooooooooooooong time since actually dante was born....

Feeling a little depressed today...can't say or figure one reason as to why. Figured I would perk up now that I actually am making plans to go see my mom but guess not....I keep saying i am going to make that "List" and i need to just go on and do it for once and for all - think i will post it here when im done

The list - is the qualities I want in a mate....stay tuned....

When things seem to be most stressful, it is my writing here at least, that seems to go by the wayside. The holidays were in my mind something to get past as soon as possible....never quite got into the full holiday spirit.

Been battling depression on and off....working through the relationship with stanley with its ups and downs...and now getting back into working out watching more carefully what im eating and continue the progress that I had started last year.

Christmas I thought would be real difficult and in fact it wound up that New Years was way more of a challenge. While I was at turns, out of sorts through both, New years actually got me down to the point where i was always one step away from tears.

Everything around me suffered as the depression that came along with the holidays got me so down that just let everything go - around the apartment especially. The feeling was one of trying to do something without really wanting to or even knowing why.

I had a conversation with stanley on that very thing - what I need to figure out is the why to things now...more than the reasoning that "it has to be done for whatever immediate reasons" to redevelop or create new reasons to want to do anything - and i would gather that that was the depression talking.

Stan came into my life when i was in the midst of one of the hardest times in my life. His entry into my life was as what I needed most at the time, a friend. He has been that and more. He has been that and more. He has at times been a confidant, a hang out buddy, an entertainer, a clown, and so much more. We often times don't tell people how much they mean to us until its too late.

I know too well that lesson - it is why i chose to take this opportunity to express what he means to me and to say " I love you."

Takes a while sometimes to realize that the best things in life don't always come in glitzy packages with satin bows. Sometimes the best gifts are those where a person gives of themselves..

We too often get caught up in society's frenzy and forget what is truly important. material things - diamonds, furs, cars clothes....especially when it comes to relationships and black women especially have been notorious for equating a man's wealth to his pocket book - first things you get asked around birthday time or valentines or any holiday - "What did he give you..?"

And if it's not shiny or glittery or goes on the third finger of your right hand - right away he's dismissed. All in the realm of superficial...See I can say this because the cake in this picture means more to me than all those things - the person who got it for me actually left their job traveled miles on three hours sleep just to make sure they got it for me ON my birthday....I could say more and fill in more details but it speaks for itself.

You can't put a price on that - these are the ones that you keep close to you...they are rare but they are themselves worth more than their own weight in gold.