Got the call today, Dante' is scheduled for surgery on April 5th. He is to be admitted into the hospital on the 4th for pretesting and to embolize the area to minimize blood loss during surgery. Right now, even though I u nderstand what is to be done and why, I am scared to death...
I finally told my mother because now that I knew when for sure she needed to know as well.
I almost made it home without crying, now that I am home the last thing it seems like I want to do is cry. Something about sitting in the house alone crying...seems/feels unpalatable right now.
I know my boss probably wanted to talk to me tonight as I was leaving but as i had not too long prior gotten the news about Dante's surgery, and was feeling subsequently physically ill, i pretty much made a bee line to leave as soon as possible
I know I need some time to work through how all this feels, but i don't have time. I have to get up in the morning and go into a job where on the one day they are singing your praises, and crowing about how wonderful you are and how great you do this or that and giving awards and recognition, the next day they are writing you up for unanticipated absences(calling out) which are a direct result of the stress from work and personal life that wind up physically manifesting themselves.
On top of all this, the feeling of wanting to be held and comforted, and realizing thats not going to happen, only exacerbates the other feelings, which only winds up with me having to dig deeper to find energy to throw that off....along with all the other stuff....And Im so tired....of being fearful for my child's life over and over again, no one understands this....and im tired of having to go through these things by myself - and i guess tonight is just not a good night for me....and so before i speak any more negativity.....let me cease....
