Recently in Dante's Inferno Category

Dante DaVaughn Angerville was born on July31, 1987 at St. Mary's Hospital in Brooklyn, New York, the beloved son of Alinda and Samson Angerville. he received the foundation and basis for his education at Bridge Street Preparatory School and attended Philippa Schuyler School for the Gifted and Talented. Dante's understanding of the importance of education was well known and his life reflected that. He was on the honor roll in school every single year from the 5th grade all the way through high school.

He attended the Presidential Classroom Science and Technology week in Washington DC where he attended a session of congress and visited the halls of the senate and was treated with a rare inside look ino the inner workings of this country's government.

Having obtained a 1350 on his SAT's as a sophomore on his first try, Dante would continue to define excellence in education and was named Valedictorian of the graduating class of 2005 of East new York Transit Tech High School. He was also named to Who's who of American High School Students and graduated with an Endorsed Regents Diploma , the Challenger Award, A gold Medal in social Studies and Science, and The Michael Wallace Award.

After Sending out applications to Drexel, Temple, Howard, Penn State and Villanova - and receiving acceptance to all, he decided to attend Drexel University in Philadelphia Pennsylvania and pursue a degree in civil Engineering. he was awarded the AJ Drexel Scholar award which consisted of an academic scholarship and is given to applicants chosen from teh top 15% of all applicants to the school.

In addition to his academic pursuits, Dante was a member of the American Society of Civil Engineers and the National Society of Black Engineers. Dante's love of Trains was legendary and he was also a member of the "Sub Chat" group which is dedicated to those who have an interest in Railroading and public transportation systems.

Dante developed an interest in photography and has photos not only on his own website but on several sites on the internet as well as having some of his images used on the "TransitTalk" website.

because of his interest and love of trains Dante was also blessed to be a part of a documentary on the NY City Cubway System - NYC Underground - which was filmed and shown on the NY TImes Discovery Channel where he participated as apart of a group taking the "Ultimate Train Ride" a mission to pass through every single train station in t the NYC Subway system on just one token.

On the afternoon of Thursday April 5th , Dante was called from Labor to reward at the University of Pennsylvania Medical Center Hospital in Philadelphia, PA

"You fought the good fight - and in spite of what it may seem - You won"

I can truthfully say that I have within the past few days lost the one thing in the world that meant anything to me. The one thing that kep tme going each and every day and the one thing in this universe I loved more than anything else.

My son, went bravely into surgery that he would not come back from. His life...ending when his heart stopped and he could not be revived. I am continually haunted by the doctor's words "something very very bad happened"......and at the same time i still feel a measure of disbelief. As if this is all some kind of horrible nightmare that Im going to wake up from any moment. The images of the doctors "informing me" what happened along with the vision of my son laying on a stretcher....tube still in his mouth.....gone....skin still warm to the touch....refuse to leave me....and i find myself unable to sleep because of them....most times i close my eyes these are the things that i see....and my heart either starts racing or if i were drifting off to sleep it causes me to jump out of whatever sleep i was about to get.

What has saved me from madness, is so far my ability not to think about what has happened in the last few days too much. Analyzing this would absolutely cause me to lose my mind as there is no reason to this.....to know that one is in death better off is one thing, to accept and understand to the point of it not hurting constantly - hurting so much that you can't breathe at times...that is something altogether different.

I feel at times somewhat detatched from myself, like im sitting outside watching a life slowly be torn apart by degrees....and i have at times wondered who or what i pissed off to invoke such tragedy into my life.

Writing now while somewhat cathartic - is a challenge...there are just things that I can't express - I don't know how which is about where I am on most things now - how do you come back from losing your only child, the one GOOD thing you've done in your life? What is your motivation for anything anymore? How do you find one to keep you going?

What - do you do with your life and yourself ?My nerves are too bad now to even try and figure this all out....I have been left pretty much to my own devices with the exception of my girlfriend coming in from out of town last week and staying the week with me....and one or two visits from a "friend" no one has come by, the phone rarely rings....and most nights like tonight im sitting here alone trying to hold onto my sanity .....with great difficulty.

The closer I get to the actual date of surgery the more im reminded of how incredibly alone I am. No one should have to go through this with their child ever period,...but i suggest too that no one should have to go through this alone. People take things like being the hospital and being sick surgery etc for granted because they have never had to be in those situations all by themselives literally. At the rate im withdrawing from people i will bea total recluse and hermit in 10 years time tops;

Got the call today, Dante' is scheduled for surgery on April 5th. He is to be admitted into the hospital on the 4th for pretesting and to embolize the area to minimize blood loss during surgery. Right now, even though I u nderstand what is to be done and why, I am scared to death...

I finally told my mother because now that I knew when for sure she needed to know as well.

I almost made it home without crying, now that I am home the last thing it seems like I want to do is cry. Something about sitting in the house alone crying...seems/feels unpalatable right now.

I know my boss probably wanted to talk to me tonight as I was leaving but as i had not too long prior gotten the news about Dante's surgery, and was feeling subsequently physically ill, i pretty much made a bee line to leave as soon as possible

I know I need some time to work through how all this feels, but i don't have time. I have to get up in the morning and go into a job where on the one day they are singing your praises, and crowing about how wonderful you are and how great you do this or that and giving awards and recognition, the next day they are writing you up for unanticipated absences(calling out) which are a direct result of the stress from work and personal life that wind up physically manifesting themselves.

On top of all this, the feeling of wanting to be held and comforted, and realizing thats not going to happen, only exacerbates the other feelings, which only winds up with me having to dig deeper to find energy to throw that off....along with all the other stuff....And Im so tired....of being fearful for my child's life over and over again, no one understands this....and im tired of having to go through these things by myself - and i guess tonight is just not a good night for me....and so before i speak any more negativity.....let me cease....

Not too long got off the phone with the nurse practioner that works with dante's new doctor. it is looking like at the very least I will be running back and forth to philadelphia but more than likely i will have to plan on spending some extended time up there as the plan now is to first take dante through radiation treatments and then if necessary(thinking now seems like thats likely) that he would then go through chemotherapy. Which his doctors have expressed concerns about him living alone and going through chemo and have been dropping hints about me being able to be with him while he's undergoing chemo.

I don't want to move anymore but if i have to i have to...my mind can't even wrap around that right now. I tried to think about the logistics involved in trying to do that and gave myself a headache...

I'm tired Lord.....very very tired....could you please just send a "little" help here?

i was given an opportunity this evening to name an actual star in the sky and have it be recorded in perpetuity - and I did....of course named it "Dante" I actually have the coordinates and probably around christmas i will give him the certificate issued with the name, and coordinates of the star (which is in the Leo constellation) and it has the following inscription(i can do this because he doesn't read my blog)

If all the world shone bright as you -
we would live in eternal day -
and the world would be covered in rainbows...

Oh for those of you that don't know he is a Leo ...

this other song has stayed with me as well....those of you who have been reading will understand as it strikes so close to home....its actually sung from the perspective of HIV patients....but with dante's situation...it fits....we were watching tv the other night and it came on and we both looked at each other...and if it had been anyone else other than dante they would have been in tears....as it was he gave me this look and for a split second i could see the pain...and i teared up and gave him a look that "willed" him out of that moment of "emotion" People just dont understand having to contemplate or deal with cancer....this sums some of it up though...

Will I lose my dignity,
Will someone care,
Will i wake tomorrow
From this nightmare...

And later on into today i thought this could also apply to my life and being alone...

Whatever word is equal to being past exhausted is what I am right now. I am just NOW getting back from picking Dante up from the hospital as he was discharged today...finally...I can't even see straight im so tired...

the reason this blog was started in the first place was because of Dante's previous hospitalization and trying to update everyone ina way that didnt include having to retell the same storie(s) over and over but let everyone know what was going on...

I saw dante twice today - when i first got in - and ran into one of the doctors as well. he informed me that the MRI and the MRA that were done last night both came back negative. He informed me however at that time that the plan was to do a spinal tap to also rule out any problems in that area. Unfortunately for dante that meant he could not eat anything until after they did the proceedure. When I saw him this morning he had a PICC line(i know im being clinical but im at work, bad habit)

I went to see him again in the afternoon around lunch time and he was doing ok he still had some discomfort and was more concerned about not having had anything to eat (he was hungry) we had no word at that time abotu when they were going to do the spinal. I got him a couple of movies to watch and i stayed for part of charlie and the chocolate factory and then i had to go back to the plantation before they came looking for me.

I have been calling hourly more or less to check on him - the last time i called he told me that the doctors had decided NOT to do the spinal because of the proximity to his tumor and the risk of the catecholamines infiltrating his spinal column - for those of you without medical terminology background lets just say that would be a VERY VERY BAD thing...

Instead they want to do some kind of CT scan and im sure with contrast - so when i spoke to him he was in the midst of ordering something to eat. No ETA on when they are going to do the CT scan but im sure that wont be that long a wait either.

As for me as long as i keep myself numb im ok - if i stay in "work" mode it doesnt allow me time to think about anything much i cant allow myself to think on any particular thing too much,. Think of the analogy of a closet door that you open slightly to peek in and realize that if you opened it a whole bunch of stuff would come bursting out and you would be buried under it thats about where i am right now.

haven't had any appetite today but i did pick my way through an omelette this morning. I can't afford to pass out right now and im already depleted since its that time of month.

Im headed back over to Sloan as soon as i clock out here dante asked me to bring him a subways sandwich which i will and then im going to go stay with him - havent decided if i will spend the night or not....i will see how hes doing and what he says...

Ok i got in last night from the gym and find out Dante had gone into the clinic because he was having more pain in his neck and actually left me a message saying that he was feeling a "cold wet pain" in his head and so he went into the clinic and they admitted him. Evidently once again no one thought to notify me which is why i didnt find out until i got home last night.

I got a call from my mother because she wanted to discuss travel arragenemnts for her coming back up here since now the lawyers are waiting on her to do the closing....after finding out dante was in the hospital i just couldn't talk and i didnt call but she called me...and demanded to know why i hadn't called her...i remember calling her an "evil woman" and saying dante's in the hospital before hanging up the phone...

I spoke to him briefly last night on the phone, I was going to turn around and go back to the hospital but he suggested i wait till the morning and just come over after i sign in at work ( i work across the street from his hospital) Appreantly he is being evaluated by the Neurology team to rule out aneurysms, the tumor spreading, or anything of that nature. They did an MRI and an MRA last night and when I got in this morning to see him the doctor told me those tests were negative..

He still has to go for a spinal tap at some point today..I haven't really said anything to anybody and I guess right now i just don't feel like talking much or having to tell this story over and over. I haven't said anything here at work and I doubt that I will because im tired of people looking at me with pity

Those parents over at the center are going to be up in arms since i was supposed to send out their order today and im not sure if i will get around to it and quite frankly right now i dont give a damn...

Days like today make me wonder if i will ever see a time in my life where im happy again....these days it doesnt feel like it and no place i go can i find peace of mind...