went to the gym last night. ran into a master trainer who seems kind of cool. If my money ever gets right again, I think i will try a six session package with her. In the meantime i still go tonight is a gym night so im going. Cardio night tonight though may do the arm excercises she showed me last night though i found it interesting and not as monotonous as what I had been doing.
May as well go to the gym - I have no where else to go except home to an empty apartment.
Ups and downs, highs and lows. Still taking stock and still trying to figure things out. I plan on asking S to come over this weekend, specifically after work on Friday. I can't help but feel that I am going to most likely get a no on that. I haven't specifically asked for him to come over on a weekend, I have however mentioned him coming by after work but not a specific date. I guess part of me feeling that way has to do with the email i sent him last week suggesting we he come by after work - being flirtatious i guess and he never responded or acknowledged that he even got the email. Its beginning to feel - to me somewhat humiliating asking and or putting myself out there like that only to get shot down or ignored. I despair of getting him to understand how it feels to put yoruself out there only to be rejected.
Is asking to come by after work on a weekend asking too much or being unreasonable. For a relationship that basically is set where we can only see each other on the weekends because of work schedules evenings vs days is asking specifically being too demanding. He was sick this past weekend and so didnt come by and I was redoing my hair so we didnt see each other. Is expecting to definitely see him this coming weekend being inflexible? there is this thing in his "household" where he is expected to help his mother with groceries when she goes shopping on saturdays and this usually is around late afternoon - so if i ask him to come by after work on a friday and stay till saturday its either he has to leave early saturday afternoon or he's not there and thats an issue.
This is something that has been an issue since we first met however I must explain and say that when we first met he came by all the time. almost every single weekend. sometimes during the week. Discussions on this topic of late have centered around his feeling the need to be available at home for his mother.
I feel like im in a losing battle sometimes. I don't want to press him or put him into situations where he feels like he has to choose between helpign her or being with me but i feel like the situation makes it that way.
Its been 18 months....and i just don't know what to do anymore.
Had to do the one thing that I trruly have dreaded having to do - namely call my mother this morning and ask her to lend me money. I have really tried to avoid thatbut this is an emergency due to me falling behind on my rent and after going in person to the rental office this morning, they will not take partial payment and I do not get paid again until the end of the month.
So i asked her to lend me 800. I have had to draw up a promissory note and have had several phone calls one of which was to insist that she be repaid in two payments by the end of november and another to insist on money order or bankers check instead of a personal check.
If i wasn't so worried about her actually sending the money in the first place I might find some of this annoying and or aggravating.
Right now, I am numb - i only want to keep the roof over my head and will be forced to because of the terms of this agreement to go back to making one lump sum payment in november or risk a late fee in paying my rent or let my other bills go farther behind....
There is no one else I can ask. to loan me anything. I take full responsibiilty for getting ito this situation that only i can get out of
But it still sucks and I hate my birth mother with every fiber of my being.
Actually had a good weekend. A lot of it was spent having wild crazy sex (grins) some of it spent reflecting on the good things that have happened in my life of late (this in response to the crazy letter from my apartment management company about missing rent payments that I have thanks to chase copies of the payments and that they were sent. - thank God for online bill pay).
Got to talk to s.o. a bit we both agreed that we are going to go check out W. Also are planning on celebrating all weekend WHEN Barack Obama wins the presidency of these here united states.
Hell we may actually go buy some KFC and watermelon and wash it down with Red Koolaid - a la Chaffey County Republican Women Federated
Going to the gym today dagnabbit need to be in better shape for the upcoming "Festivities"
Lata
Found out today the job is going to a co-worker, who is younger and who has been here a few years more than I have. I was told however that there is a new title being created which will include a raise - how much I don't know.
BUt i feel bummed out right now - and i guess thats normal....I wanted to go to the gym today but again i dont feel like going hell i don't know what i feel like anymore.
Lovely day....
Have made it to the gym a few times but haven't blogged like I wanted to. First time I have really felt like writing anything.
First of all there was a major project that i "volunteered" to do at work with regards to a co-worker who was retiring. I volunteered to put together a video presentation for her retirement "party" and got major accolades from everyone there including the director of the department. In fact the response was so well that I was presented last Thursday with a "Falcon Award" which the place I work gives out to employees who exhibit superior performance and is given upon recommendation of a department head and or a manager and i was actually presented by both.
i was a little surprised as i am used to people going gaga over some of the stuff i put together since im not one to shout from the rooftops about all the things that I know how to do.
The timing on this is interesting as the position that was vacated as a result of this retirement opens up interviews this coming week. I had long ago put in my resume - actually before they "officially" started asking if anyone was interested in the position. i actually have an interview this coming Tuesday with the director for this position.
I will set one intention right now - if i manage to obtain this position I promise that after making sure all my bills are paid and up to date that my goal will be to arrange and make a trip to Jerusalem as a pilgrimage if you will - because I feel and know that aside from my potential qualifications etc for the job, that if i get it it will be a blessing from God( I feel) and I feel that with all that has gone on in my life in the last year or two that if the opportunity presents itself for me to go on pilgrimage, then I have to make it a top priority to go.
Things with S are still the same. This weekend i didn't see him because he spent time with his Aunt "Tine" who has been diagnosed with cancer and is not doing so well. As she spent substantial time with him and was a care giver for him when he was a child growing up he's close to her and so i could understand him making a point to spend some time with her. while she has not been very forthcoming with regards to her condition and prognosis, from what I understand from various members of the family, S included she's not doing well at all.
This is one of those things that you pray on and ask for understanding and patience. As much as i would have liked to see and or spend some time with S, had to understand the circumstance and accept it with grace. Notice I said with grace - to accept it any other way would have been in actuality non-acceptance.
Lastly but not at all least I am going to try to get back into spin class this week. the challenge to that is the classes fill up very quickly. I already tried to get in the class here by my house but they are already full up for monday night. Tomorrow when i get to work I will have to call and see if out of the two gyms by me either one has a spot open. That will again be a challenge because the area where they are usually they are always filled up but I promise to try at least and if I can't get into the spin class I STILL will go to the gym anyway.
At least that is my INTENTION....
Peace...
