March 2008 Archives

Still feeling sad today - can't talk about too much - tears are not far and i have to maintain especially around strangers. So much sadness....spoke for a minute - I still feel like he has doubts - and that hurts so so much. KNowing that he doesnt trust me...really truly hurts...at a time like this when i really need him im having to deal with him actually not believing me in this of all things? I can't and believe me i've tried to figure out what possible reason someone would have for makign THIS up - especially knowing what I have been through. I can't for the life of me figure that out. I know he has said that because of his situation with carol? that he's leary? Funny because im not trying to get anything out of him and in fact i am the one who LOST.....apparently in more than one way.....and the innocent get punished with the guilty...

Alone again - Naturally

Wake up to blood - fall asleep in pain scared but knowing what it all means.
confirmation of what you already know is true from all the times in the past that this has happened does nothign to ease the pain - not the mental pain. Dissapointment hangs heavy, and the empty apartment seems ginormous and more empty than usual...

Wish I could just curl up into a ball - then again not it won't change anything - I will still be losing another one not knowing if there will be another one and the thought itself is just crushing and makes me feel like i can't breathe...

hot tears squeeze out the corners of my eyes and slide down my cheeks - and right now i feel more alone than i have in a long time...

feel rotten as hell this morning been feeling nauseaus since i got up - had to sit down (which is why im h ere) for a minute because i felt like i was going to throw my insides up

this ought to be an interesting day...

He came by today - we spoke about saturday and he only semi raised his voice once..I think he already felt bad for not calling or showing up. I felt like he felt bad about it so I really tried not to press that too much. I decided to tell him about the test. I kept hearing his voice in my head telling me that if ever something like this were to happen that he would want to know immediately and so I didn't want to risk him being upset with me so I told him when I knew.

We talked for a minute about a few things for some reason it feels good when we do actually have a chance to talk about things with us face to face - i've always preferred that because i can see the emotions and expressions as he's talking and I can relate more to whats being said. Besides i just dig watching him talk and looking at his lips - lol

Even though we were not planning this - it's hard not to be excited and i could see that something in him was a little happy in spite of the situation. I can't wait to drag his tail to the doctor's with me i am dying to see what his expression is when he sees a sonogram for the first time. That will be a TRUE Kodak moment - priceless..

So much to look forward to...

Well no call and I guess he's not coming. I did the test already and yep there was a line all right. Felt a little shaky looking at it...will call and make an appointment to see the dr monday - still debating on telling before the appointment or after...

sighs....so much to do...