August 2007 Archives

I've been hanging out at this message board titled "Diary of a Tired Black Man" and i can commiserate with that statement in reverse.

I am battling my impatience and fear that I will in deed never have another child. I know that under the current situation it would be an extreme challenge....its hard to get pregnant when you only have sex on the weekends.

Now today comes word that HE is going to take on a second job so that means even less time spent together.

What can i say? I can't complain - because i sound selfish...i can't help but feel that he has absolutely NO idea how badly i want to at least try to have another child..or more importantly how it feels like im watching the sands in the hour glass run out...

I just don't think He gets it

having cleared some of the "dust" out of my life that had been accumulating - things should start to look a whole lot better - these flashbacks however, are really taking a toll on my sleep and peace of mind...I don't know what if anything I can do about them for what i have heard there really isn't much you can do except wait for them to subside.

I am going to a support group meeting next week - The Compassionate Friends - volunteers who have also themselves lost children and they meet twice a month - the few ocaisions when i have spoken to someone who has lost a child it has seemed helpful so im wiling to try this and see - it can't hurt that much i know..and since im at 0 with regards to friends right around me i need to start working on that....(stan notwithstanding and this does not take into consideration friendships far away..)

when I talk about havign zero people around me - i mean i have no one calling me - if it wasn't for me talking to stan and my mother my phone would never ring. and I wouldnt have anyone to talk to.

IF it wasn't for me going out WITH stan i would only be going back and forth to work and doing laundry on weekends.

I don't have the "girlfriends" to go hand out - or to call and check on me and try and drag me out to go shopping - or get my hair or nails did - or whatever in the attempt to cheer me up or pick up my spirits...thats something i have to do on my own..and have been having to do on my own...

I know this needs to change - but since im not going hanging out at the club looking for friends, and since i can't get to my old church (too far away ) and i haven't had luck tyring to find a NEW church closer by - i just have to wait and be patient and try not to let it get to me overly much....

smh yeah right..................

I am reminded this afternoon of the abject loneliness i strive so hard to forget .....

I had a conversation with my mother during which she asked me if i would give her money to help pay her taxes since shes going to be taxed for the proceedes from the sale of both houses as well as paying taxes in south carolina.

Nevermind that i was forced to move twice in less than a year...and that i lost almost everything I owned - many many things of dante's that i've cried for knowing that i will never see them or him again....

Nevermind that i never received anything from the sale of the first house and that the money she did give me from the sale of her own house was less than half - even though my father's share was equal to half and as his only heir legally i should have gotten half....

Nevermind that she stuck me for an additional 3K at the time because she miscalculated how much she actually gave me

Nevermind the amounts spent on keeping dante in school and on his funeral arrangements and on me trying to finally after over twenty years trying to set up a comfortable HOME

Nevermind the landlord that is hasslsing me to pay him an additional $400 dollars for a cleaning service that he claims he hired after i moved out of his place and only having lived there for less than a year....

To hear her ask me for money when she has more than enough to pay what is owed and still have money to live out the rest of her days in luxury...and to say that it was "only fair she asked me" just reminded me of the empty and lonely feelings i fight so hard with every single day of my life

While i made no response other than to say i couldn't help her...i felt crushed inside...and very very alone....

Stevie Wonder, Aretha Franklin and whoever it is that is associated with the So-Called Dream Concert being held on September 18th at Radio City Music Hall - I am putting all of you on blast.

Here I am(and i know i am not the only one) getting all excited with the announcement that Stevie Wonder is going on tour again after not being on tour for years. Growing up with stevies music and having all of his albums. It goes without saying that I waited anxiously for the announcement that the tickets for the concert were going onsale. Just to find out this morning that it has turned into a benefit for the Martin Luther King something or another and that the tickets are starting at $1000 dollars EACH?

How DARE the organizers of this event alienate the very people who made each and every one of those performers what they are today. If they needed to do a benefit they should have done a private one and invited THOSE PEOPLE WHO CAN EASILY afford tickets that steep and higher...take a page out of Oprah's book she did it to raise fund for Obama's campaign.

I am truly and completely disgusted with those who chose to make these arrangements and I find it really difficult to continue to support with my hard earned money those who so capriciously make decisions like this.

For the record September the 18th is MY birthday - unless that concert is done for more than oe day which i doubt i will not be able to see it. Again for the record im not on public assistance I am a single, working class African American woman who cannot possibly justify paying $1000 for ONE TICKET no matter WHO is on the bill.

Never saw stevie in concert, never saw aretha in concert and evidently never will....and im thinking if that be the case why am i buying their music?

This is just a complete and total hot mess....shame on the promoters and organizers for this event.

In a perfect world, this weekend would have been capped off by a gathering of thte female minds, namely sista-friends getting together to come to the aide of their "sista" namely me. Debates and arguments would have raged on about the right and wrong of relationships, men, the men in OUR lives, etc

Sides would have been drawn with one side being the side that agrees with the "space" theory and says i am and have been overly sensitive with regards to that - and the other side saying im dead right if it doesnt feel right....keep it moving - next....

Funny thing about oprah and all the other self help "gurus" out there who trumpet on about surrounding one's self with only positive people. They never tell you what to do in t he meantime while you gather those positive people around you and or they never mentione what you do when you have excised all the negative people from you and you wake up one morning totally alone...what you do....
Which leaves a party of one to sit back and reflect and contemplate on one's own behaviour and actions, perceptions and so forth....arguably perhaps a much more insightful introspection than one that would have been brought forth with outside entities who would bring along their own internal prejudices

That being said..
I am willing to conceede that i was somewhat overwrought this weekend but it precipitated a much needed conversation that resolved some things...and not others....but it was at the very least if nothing else a dialog that needed to take place.

I just really need to get past the hurt im feeling right now, but im running out of ideas and ways - and im tired of crying and tired of feeling bad and i just keep wondering how much more am i supposed to have to take...

Time was i used to scrap up and fight because i knew my son needed me to be there for him...now he's gone and i don't even know what im fighting for anymore....

Im probably going to hell anyway from all accounts so this letter won't make much difference ....

Dear God,

i want to thank you so much for allowing me to be born to a woman who was incapable of taking care of me and wound up giving me away when I was three months old and caused me to grow up not knowing my brothers and sisters. Having to walk through life knowing that they are out there but that i may never see or find them.

But more importantly I want to thank you for taking away the one thing that gave me hope and inspiration. The thing that gave me the strength and courage to fight against overwhelming odds, the one thing that made me happy not because of what they did for me but just happy because they existed.

You took away my son and left me with nothing - and im supposed to try and go on with my life like it's ok and it isnt and it never will be.

The one good thing in my life and you took it...Thanks God

I have come to the conclusion this weekend that I need to go back to learning how to live alone. I feel I have perhaps because of my loss placed too much emphasis on a relationship that ultimately may not work out no matter how much I might have wanted it to.

I have been developing reservations about how I am being treated and this weekend really made me want to walk away or at the very least put some distance up or a wall or two.

Why call someone on friday and say you are coming over the next day Saturday and then just dont show up or make any mention of coming over until you are asked about it and then just nonchalantly say oh well i was going to try and see you sunday....

You know I know he has been dealing with his mother and all that family stuff but is this something that im supposed to just deal with and chalk it off to him being stressed out?

We tried having a conversation about this - and as i knew he would he threw up "all he's done for me - and the time he's spent, etc. and even made some statements about spending more time with me than at his own house....how a weekend translate into more time than mon to fri i dont know but i was really turned off by his response to what i was saying...and I asked from the point of view of wanting to know if there was something wrong...if there was something he needed to tell me...etc....because i said i didnt understand where he was coming from.

You know what he said? He just needs me to understand that he's under a tremendous amount of stress because of the situation with his mother...and that he also needs me to understand that he "needs his personal time to handle his personal things?"

I give up.....i refuse to argue...and at this point im just so thoroughly disgusted that i have been fighting with myself not to just go to the bus station and buy a ticket out of here and leave...

I don't like the fact that what i had to look forward to - because my life is so damn screwed up right now was spending time with him...the alternative being on my own which is what i am every single day anyway...