July 2007 Archives

I posted a few of the pictures from this weekend's release. You can find them at this link: Releasing My Muse

We did th e release this weekend at the cemetery. It was for a moment a good thing and was real upbeat but i guess afterwards the let down was great. I think coming back home and being on my own (as usual) didn't help but again as with most things what can i do?

I truly have to go this alone and there is no one for me to lean on except God...

Right now, I am working on shifting my focus off the loss of my son and how it has and is affecting my life..and off the relationship which is right now bulging under the strain of me dealing with my loss and him dealing with his mother's illness and family issues arising out of that.

I had been thinking for the last week or so about starting a blog about my efforts to get in shape, lose weight, etc...and I am going to start that today. Will post pics and stats and will commit myself to posting at least once a week with my progress which is certain to take some of the focus off of the other things mentioned which i can't do anything about.

maybe its the time of year....my sons birthday is coming up....maybe its just hormonal...or maybe it is just.....???

i feel like im already shutting down and putting my walls up.....and retreating behind them...

going home to an empty house was never all it was "cracked up to be" but at least i can say as far back as a year ago it was at least mitigated in some aspects by the fact that i would on occaision call my son and even the thought of him then made the loneliness...i would feel at times "ok" but now its like ten million times worse and with not very much to mitigate it....just me wracking my brains trynig to "cope" with it....

But bottom line, it's hard....very very hard.....and my eyes are tearing up as im writing this..... because its just that hard....

Which is where I feel I am right now. At least I feel like I need to make the adjustment for the days ahead. have been talking on and off with Stan about his mom and it just seems like she's a lot sicker than what he even realizes and in talking with him he expresses a feeling of needing to "be around her more" right now and I wholeheartedly agree. She is just now completing a session of chemo and apparently is going to start radiation treatments in a week or two..

And I feel like I have to adjust - to the fact that we probably won't see much of each other in the coming weeks...not an assumption its been discussed - theres no good way to discuss anything else and admittedly for me that is really tough - but what else can i do? Aside from pray which i do all the time anyway....I guess it's also cause i feel myself gearing up to shut down when that starts to happen....defense mechanism maybe>? so it won't hurt so much?
*sighs*

I just on one level feel like i have had to make so many adjustments in the last few years...im tired....of even having to contemplate making anymore - which doesnt dismiss the fact that i will and i do have to...

Could just be overly sensitive - could be just a bad day.....could be a lot of things.....

i shall continue to pray for the wisdom to figure it all out...

I have been told I need to start looking at making plans for a "wedding" and after much discussion on this topic yesterday, this morning i searched the web looking for a saying or short poem to inscribe on a memorial candle to be lit during the service, for my son and for Stan's fathter....found this one in the process - and i still have tears in my eyes.....those of you reading this take heed.....for me I have nor egrets my son knew all too well how i felt because i was blessed with a chance to make it very clear right before he passed...

If I Knew

If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.
If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.
If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.
If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.
For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.
There will always be another day to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance to say our "Anything I can do?"
But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.
So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day,
That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.
So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them and that you'll always hold them dear
Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.
--Anonymous from the Internet

I got the call today while i was talking to stan and was able to stay calm enough to calm my mother down. She called me to tell me that she had to take my grandmother, her mother, to the emergency room because she fell off the shower chair and was in pain.

I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was about five seconds from losing it but i managed to calm her down and get her into gear so she could make the trip to the hospital. She called me when she got there and basically they had to wait for x-rays to see if there was any broken bones.

Turns out she did in fact fracture a rib but they said it was not bad enough to wrap it or do anything to it. They in fact sent her home as everything else i guess was in order. Once again stan seemed to be in the right place at the right time and his immediate response was to first ask what happened and then to insist that i stay calm and focused and wait until we got further information.

It helped tremendously to have someone to talk to at that time especially since they were focused on keeping me calm, being supportive and upbeat. I've said this before but I will say it again, Thank goodness for stan being around not sure what i would do without him....I pray to God that I never have to find out...