I can truthfully say that I have within the past few days lost the one thing in the world that meant anything to me. The one thing that kep tme going each and every day and the one thing in this universe I loved more than anything else.
My son, went bravely into surgery that he would not come back from. His life...ending when his heart stopped and he could not be revived. I am continually haunted by the doctor's words "something very very bad happened"......and at the same time i still feel a measure of disbelief. As if this is all some kind of horrible nightmare that Im going to wake up from any moment. The images of the doctors "informing me" what happened along with the vision of my son laying on a stretcher....tube still in his mouth.....gone....skin still warm to the touch....refuse to leave me....and i find myself unable to sleep because of them....most times i close my eyes these are the things that i see....and my heart either starts racing or if i were drifting off to sleep it causes me to jump out of whatever sleep i was about to get.
What has saved me from madness, is so far my ability not to think about what has happened in the last few days too much. Analyzing this would absolutely cause me to lose my mind as there is no reason to this.....to know that one is in death better off is one thing, to accept and understand to the point of it not hurting constantly - hurting so much that you can't breathe at times...that is something altogether different.
I feel at times somewhat detatched from myself, like im sitting outside watching a life slowly be torn apart by degrees....and i have at times wondered who or what i pissed off to invoke such tragedy into my life.
Writing now while somewhat cathartic - is a challenge...there are just things that I can't express - I don't know how which is about where I am on most things now - how do you come back from losing your only child, the one GOOD thing you've done in your life? What is your motivation for anything anymore? How do you find one to keep you going?
What - do you do with your life and yourself ?My nerves are too bad now to even try and figure this all out....I have been left pretty much to my own devices with the exception of my girlfriend coming in from out of town last week and staying the week with me....and one or two visits from a "friend" no one has come by, the phone rarely rings....and most nights like tonight im sitting here alone trying to hold onto my sanity .....with great difficulty.
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