LifeSaver

i feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and yet i find myself desperately scrambling to find and cling to what little good has happened in the last few days.....like a shipwrecked sailor clinging to what is left of the vessel he sailed on, i find myself compelled to try and find the good and the positive - else fall into despair....the battle itself makes me weary...a battle that started many many years ago..and has continued throughout my adult life...

A lot of things were going on in the midst of my son's passing...i learned who my friends really are and i learned who they are not....at the risk of winding up a total and complete recluse there are some people in my life who really don't deserve to be there. I have spent too much time in my life caring for and being mindful of everyone else's wants needs and desires and at this point im done. Brave words when again the flip side of this right now is silence....no one is calling and no one has been by save one "friend" who actually has been more of a friend to me than those who knew me for years....
Ambivalent about that situation at times - happy for and eternally for his presence, I have no idea how i would have managed here alone for so long....no i do have an idea it was divine providence that i was not put into that position. Saddened by the knowledge that if he were not here i would be as i am tonight alone....