April 2007 Archives

Week 2 of my "vacation" and i think i finally got a handle on my sleep or lack of i should say. Tylenol PM is a life saver. Now if i can only get back to sleeping at night instead of in the daytime. I have a doctor's appointment on thursday just to make sure everything else is ok. Next project I have to work on is the "Thank You" cards and that will be a big one. I also have to "force" myself to get out and get back into going into the city more. I am trying to get in gear to go to the gym - i feel like I need to go. Will try tomorrow uh today uh tuesday to get over to the gym at least for a quick workout.

Am ok otherwise at least as far as I can tell....

Sighs....

Dante DaVaughn Angerville was born on July31, 1987 at St. Mary's Hospital in Brooklyn, New York, the beloved son of Alinda and Samson Angerville. he received the foundation and basis for his education at Bridge Street Preparatory School and attended Philippa Schuyler School for the Gifted and Talented. Dante's understanding of the importance of education was well known and his life reflected that. He was on the honor roll in school every single year from the 5th grade all the way through high school.

He attended the Presidential Classroom Science and Technology week in Washington DC where he attended a session of congress and visited the halls of the senate and was treated with a rare inside look ino the inner workings of this country's government.

Having obtained a 1350 on his SAT's as a sophomore on his first try, Dante would continue to define excellence in education and was named Valedictorian of the graduating class of 2005 of East new York Transit Tech High School. He was also named to Who's who of American High School Students and graduated with an Endorsed Regents Diploma , the Challenger Award, A gold Medal in social Studies and Science, and The Michael Wallace Award.

After Sending out applications to Drexel, Temple, Howard, Penn State and Villanova - and receiving acceptance to all, he decided to attend Drexel University in Philadelphia Pennsylvania and pursue a degree in civil Engineering. he was awarded the AJ Drexel Scholar award which consisted of an academic scholarship and is given to applicants chosen from teh top 15% of all applicants to the school.

In addition to his academic pursuits, Dante was a member of the American Society of Civil Engineers and the National Society of Black Engineers. Dante's love of Trains was legendary and he was also a member of the "Sub Chat" group which is dedicated to those who have an interest in Railroading and public transportation systems.

Dante developed an interest in photography and has photos not only on his own website but on several sites on the internet as well as having some of his images used on the "TransitTalk" website.

because of his interest and love of trains Dante was also blessed to be a part of a documentary on the NY City Cubway System - NYC Underground - which was filmed and shown on the NY TImes Discovery Channel where he participated as apart of a group taking the "Ultimate Train Ride" a mission to pass through every single train station in t the NYC Subway system on just one token.

On the afternoon of Thursday April 5th , Dante was called from Labor to reward at the University of Pennsylvania Medical Center Hospital in Philadelphia, PA

"You fought the good fight - and in spite of what it may seem - You won"

i feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and yet i find myself desperately scrambling to find and cling to what little good has happened in the last few days.....like a shipwrecked sailor clinging to what is left of the vessel he sailed on, i find myself compelled to try and find the good and the positive - else fall into despair....the battle itself makes me weary...a battle that started many many years ago..and has continued throughout my adult life...

A lot of things were going on in the midst of my son's passing...i learned who my friends really are and i learned who they are not....at the risk of winding up a total and complete recluse there are some people in my life who really don't deserve to be there. I have spent too much time in my life caring for and being mindful of everyone else's wants needs and desires and at this point im done. Brave words when again the flip side of this right now is silence....no one is calling and no one has been by save one "friend" who actually has been more of a friend to me than those who knew me for years....
Ambivalent about that situation at times - happy for and eternally for his presence, I have no idea how i would have managed here alone for so long....no i do have an idea it was divine providence that i was not put into that position. Saddened by the knowledge that if he were not here i would be as i am tonight alone....

I can truthfully say that I have within the past few days lost the one thing in the world that meant anything to me. The one thing that kep tme going each and every day and the one thing in this universe I loved more than anything else.

My son, went bravely into surgery that he would not come back from. His life...ending when his heart stopped and he could not be revived. I am continually haunted by the doctor's words "something very very bad happened"......and at the same time i still feel a measure of disbelief. As if this is all some kind of horrible nightmare that Im going to wake up from any moment. The images of the doctors "informing me" what happened along with the vision of my son laying on a stretcher....tube still in his mouth.....gone....skin still warm to the touch....refuse to leave me....and i find myself unable to sleep because of them....most times i close my eyes these are the things that i see....and my heart either starts racing or if i were drifting off to sleep it causes me to jump out of whatever sleep i was about to get.

What has saved me from madness, is so far my ability not to think about what has happened in the last few days too much. Analyzing this would absolutely cause me to lose my mind as there is no reason to this.....to know that one is in death better off is one thing, to accept and understand to the point of it not hurting constantly - hurting so much that you can't breathe at times...that is something altogether different.

I feel at times somewhat detatched from myself, like im sitting outside watching a life slowly be torn apart by degrees....and i have at times wondered who or what i pissed off to invoke such tragedy into my life.

Writing now while somewhat cathartic - is a challenge...there are just things that I can't express - I don't know how which is about where I am on most things now - how do you come back from losing your only child, the one GOOD thing you've done in your life? What is your motivation for anything anymore? How do you find one to keep you going?

What - do you do with your life and yourself ?My nerves are too bad now to even try and figure this all out....I have been left pretty much to my own devices with the exception of my girlfriend coming in from out of town last week and staying the week with me....and one or two visits from a "friend" no one has come by, the phone rarely rings....and most nights like tonight im sitting here alone trying to hold onto my sanity .....with great difficulty.

Im going to sleep listening to this one....once again this about sums up where i am and what I am feeling - the art (is mine) does too - dark and brooding.....with a elizabethan twist.....go figures...

I saw an old friend of our today
She asked about you and I didn't quite know what to say
Heard you've been makin' the rounds round here
While I've been tryin' to make the tears disappear

Now I'm almost over you
I've almost shook these blues
So when you come back around
After painting the town you'll see
That I'm almost over you

The closer I get to the actual date of surgery the more im reminded of how incredibly alone I am. No one should have to go through this with their child ever period,...but i suggest too that no one should have to go through this alone. People take things like being the hospital and being sick surgery etc for granted because they have never had to be in those situations all by themselives literally. At the rate im withdrawing from people i will bea total recluse and hermit in 10 years time tops;