March 2007 Archives

The awards ceremony was yesterday. It went off pretty much without any major hitches and yes, I actually made it through my speech....which follows below:

Social Work Awards of Excellence


I will try to be as brief as possible in my acknowledgements and I thank you all in advance for your patience
To Sona Euster, the director of the Social Work Department, and to Lisa Perlman one of the Social work Managers and my supervisor, I would like to extend a heartfelt, Thank You, for granting me what has been an incredible opportunity to work with some of the best and brightest minds in the field of Social Work.
To the entire social work staff and in particular the Recognition Committee I say thank you for selecting me for such an honor.

And lastly but by no means the least,
There is a young man who, at the age of 16 was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer; who in his own words “refuses to be a cancer patient” A young man who, when informed he might not be able to return to school after 8.5 hours of surgery, went back to finish out his senior year of high school, on time, and was named valedictorian of his graduating class and was named to who’s who of American High School Students, who is currently attending Pennoni Honor’s College at Drexel University in pursuit of a degree in Civil Engineering; who is currently a member of the American Society of Civil Engineers and The National Society of Black Engineers. This young man who is present here today, has taught me more about “excellence” than any thing or any one else ever could. To you, my son, I say thank you.

If im not running into the "married men" looking to creep, im running into the guys that want sex without a relationship and aside from shutting down all together and not talking to any men at all im not real sure what to do about that....and again i hear the old refrain..."you need to just chill out and have fun" of course this statement is always in the context of some guy that is trying to convince me to have sex with him...with no strings and no relationship attached....a whole bumper crop of losers...what am i doing to attract these assholes?

let's see...going to work every day ?? Dressing ultra conservatively so as NOT to attract sexual attention ( for all the good thats doing) Time to shut down....and send all the creeps to hell....

You know God it would be real nice if you helped out a "Little" i already know what Mr. Wrong looks like, how about once in a while sending along a Mr. Right....before i lose all faith in men period...and just give up...which im struggling not to do now...

There must be some kind of pheremone or biochemical scent or process that I throw off that attracts married men.

After a few weeks of "flirting" in passing with one of the guys that works the security detail here at work, I finally was able to "inspect" and find out that dude had a ring on his finger. I asked him if "she" knew how lucky she was and he said yeah but if not for that then what....and i just looked at him.

What the hell is it about me that attracts married men....I wish the hell I knew...or just the WRONG men period....I have spent too many hours trying to figure that one out and to date have no clue. All things like today do is make me more withdrawn...

This song was done in conjunction with the release of the movie "Amazing Grace" about William Wilberforce and his efforts to abolish slavery in England...This version gives me chills every time I hear it....There may still be one or two people out there who don't know the story behind this song, so for those of you who don't know:

John Newton (played by Albert Finney in Amazing Grace) wrote the words to one of the most beloved hymns of all time between 1760 and 1770, while working as an evangelical pastor. Son of the commander of a merchant ship, Newton was captain of a slave ship for many years, until he underwent a dramatic religious conversion while steering his vessel through a storm.

Repenting and regretting the misery he had inflicted on the thousands of human cargo he had transported across the Middle Passage for many years, he devoted his life to the Church, and wrote the lyrics to many hymns which are still popular today.

In 1780 Newton left Olney to become rector of St. Mary Woolnoth, St. Mary Woolchurch, in London. There he drew large congregations and influenced many, among them William Wilberforce. Newton continued to preach until the last year of life, although he was blind by that time. He died in London December 21, 1807.

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine

For those of you that wish to here is a link to the video Amazing Grace

Got the call today, Dante' is scheduled for surgery on April 5th. He is to be admitted into the hospital on the 4th for pretesting and to embolize the area to minimize blood loss during surgery. Right now, even though I u nderstand what is to be done and why, I am scared to death...

I finally told my mother because now that I knew when for sure she needed to know as well.

I almost made it home without crying, now that I am home the last thing it seems like I want to do is cry. Something about sitting in the house alone crying...seems/feels unpalatable right now.

I know my boss probably wanted to talk to me tonight as I was leaving but as i had not too long prior gotten the news about Dante's surgery, and was feeling subsequently physically ill, i pretty much made a bee line to leave as soon as possible

I know I need some time to work through how all this feels, but i don't have time. I have to get up in the morning and go into a job where on the one day they are singing your praises, and crowing about how wonderful you are and how great you do this or that and giving awards and recognition, the next day they are writing you up for unanticipated absences(calling out) which are a direct result of the stress from work and personal life that wind up physically manifesting themselves.

On top of all this, the feeling of wanting to be held and comforted, and realizing thats not going to happen, only exacerbates the other feelings, which only winds up with me having to dig deeper to find energy to throw that off....along with all the other stuff....And Im so tired....of being fearful for my child's life over and over again, no one understands this....and im tired of having to go through these things by myself - and i guess tonight is just not a good night for me....and so before i speak any more negativity.....let me cease....

Letting go of people and relationships are all well and good when the situations and the people are toxic and causing you more pain than you can tolerate. However your mouth can say goodbye but your head and your heart can be in a different place. usually due to unfinished issues or things not said. I feel like these things could cause one or in this case me to never fully recuperate from the situation in which i chose to walk away and after weeks and days spent contemplating and praying over this I decided today to send a message to Walter, since his birthday is coming up....and be done with it - as opposed to the urges i was having to call him which i fought mightily I felt that this was the lesser of two evils.....the message follows:

Be easy and rest assured that I am not trying to infiltrate or insinuate myself into your life. I have not and probably never will forget your birth date. I have remained silent on purpose and have only taken this moment to break my silence to wish you a happy birthday and also to just say the following.
You congratulated yourself at the end of things between us and expressed to me the last time we spoke about the "fortuitous" manner in which things ended and more specifically about the phone records that let you know the "truth" about the phone calls. Ironic isn't it that your triumph in finding the truth was the direct result of my desire to BE truthful in the first place. There were many many opportunities for me to "disclose" the situation which i never took advantage of. Even though i prayed every single day for the truth to come to light. When it finally did...and I was given a choice..between continuing to lie..for your sake...or to tell the truth...for my own sake....I told the truth...and I will never regret doing that no matter how things turned out. I do not hate you, I never have hated you, and i honestly do not wish you any harm, not to you nor your family. You can take comfort in knowing that I am no longer residing in Brooklyn at all and that it is extremely unlikely that our paths will ever cross again in this lifetime whether by accident or design.

Happy Birthday,

Alinda