February 2007 Archives

stayed home sick today...woke up and couldn't swallow...had developed a headache that wouldn't go away last night and thsi morning I woke up and just couldn't. Not that i get to rest at home because that dumb project for work is still lingering and i have to still finish it..which i will....the genealogy research thing is still going...went to the movies this weekend to see Amazing Grace - pretty decent film...even though it doesn't seem to be getting much press...

treated myself to a bag this weekend...got my outfit for the awards ceremony....and been fighting overwhelming loneliness all weekend...cried some....and kept it moving...on the surface level in any case...

I had a conversation a few days ago with someone about Ash Wednesday and the things that people "traditionally" give up for lent - and we talked about giving up more unconventional things, like bad habits or things that were not as tangible as - meat or candy etc.....and i had been thinking abou tthat since that conversation and I have decided that for lent this year I am giving up my fear of being hurt....no not so tangible but something that I have allowed to color my judgement and interactions with others, that has prevented me from forming and developing relationships of any substance or meaning and that has fostered a battle within me that is constant over mind numbing depression and negative feelings that my spirit which is not one of sadness and gloom has had to fight with on a constant basis causing me to feel "tired for no reason - medically or otherwise" has made me subject to extreme mood swings, and has I feel taken a lot of the good and fun out of me...so I feel its fitting and in keeping with the path that I have chosen for myself that I let go of pain that keeps me from taking chances, and that i let go of hurt that keeps me prisoner in my own world afraid to venture out for fear of being hurt again...

During this lenten season....i am letting go one of the "learned" mentality and behaviours I have in retrospect clung to and because the old me...the me that suffered from low self-esteem, feelings of unworthhiness, fear of inadequacy and all manner of negative self value and worth must die...so that the new - REAL me who is not afraid, who walks in the authority given by God with a spirit that is triumphant - in this season of renewal and sacrifices that are made so that things would be BETTER this is what I choose...

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind;
2Timothy 1:7

Got a new project to work on. The irony is not lost on me - I am doing the geneology research for my mother's family tree. The one without any roots helps to find someone else's how nice is that?

and here on the tailend of that fiasco is an email from atlanta asking about uniforms....not even hello how are you how's dante.....just did you find out about the uniforms....

i really don't want to wind up in a place where i hate people but im being taken there.....

I am reminded today, yet again why i have so very few people around me that i would consider "friends"

I don't generally eat lunch indoors much with the occaisional exception of eating at my desk/working at my desk because since i have to cover an office right on the tail end of my lunch hour that is in another building across the street from mine its so much of a hassle to have to run get something to eat run back to my office eat then run over to the other building that usually i don't even bother....on occaision i have taken like a small container of wingettes (from the cafeteria in the hospital) over to the other office and maybe a sandwich etc....once in a while....but anyway today happened to be one of those days when i took a small pack of wings with me and the person who im covering for made a comment about why she has to go downstairs and eat at the cafeteria and i get to eat in the office...i told her when she made her comment that i would in the future refrain from "eating" in her office....so why the hell this afternoon the manager of the office pulls me aside and said that she "complained" about me eating in her office and asked her to ask me NOT to eat in her office any more....

See my problem is im too trusting and im too nice to people that don't deserve it....and in this case here is a person that I have covered for more than once today especially since she came back late from lunch and she didnt tell me she was going to be late....and that office is supposed to be covered at all times...i stayed there trying to wait for her till amost ten after two....when i had to leave because i had a project i was working on for soemone who would and is notorious for complaining about things not being done "fast enough"

So you chuck it off to experience? Swallow it and keep moving....or you just cross yet another person off the list....
Or you put on a phoney smile and pretend its no big deal....if there was a way i could get out of covering that office i would...and rest assured that if in the future she does not come back from her lunch on time i will leave that office completely unattended or if im feeling particularly moody i will call her manager and ask her what she wants me to do since she hasn't come back from lunch yet....

some nice valentine's day - stabbed in the back spending most of the day trying not to cry over folks who don't give the slightest bit of damn about me and mine.....and looking forward to going home to an empty apartment....

I can rigth now at this moment understand why people become recluses...im trying not to be that way but ...

There's a movie out called "Norbit" that I refuse to spend one penny to go see. It boggles the mind how something like that gets made or in fact speaks to the complete depravity of Hollywood in the first place. If I had any respect for Eddie Murphy prior to the release of this movie its gone now. The trailers are painful to watch, the reviews have been consistently along the lines of those who found it offensive vs those who wanted "the fat slobs to stop whinning since its a comedy - its' funny"

On some level or another I feel ashamed as a black woman that a black man would make a movie like that and be ok with it. If it was a "money" issue there HAS to be some other way that the paper could have been made without creating that movie.

Why should white america have any respect for black women overweight or not, when our own men have none. The young minds running to see this movie today will be embued with the idea that it is FUNNY to hurl cruel insults at people because "you were only playing".

i have personally struggled with my weight most of my life. The cruel taunts and insults helped to convince me to be as introverted as possible when i was in school and the "perception" displayed in this movie about women who are overweight, is one I still have to deal with on occaision.

Sometimes black people, you can just be dead wrong....period.....

Eddie Murphy - making t his movie was dead wrong with absolutely no redeeming values at all....

Not only will i not spend one DIME seeing this movie i can promise I will never go to any movie that lists Eddie Murphy as part of the cast.

Almost a full week into what's known as "Black History Month" I have to say i feel somewhat removed the term and have been hard pressed to find any particular notice of it which in my mind is a stark contrast to what it was when i was a school aged child. Everywhere you went it seemed back then, there was mention of the fact, mention of those who led the fight for civil rights, and those who literally fought for their freedom from slavery.

It saddens me somewhat because as i look at the young kids and teens around me now, it would seem that they have "forgotten" what the struggle was about and worse that there even was a struggle in the first place. Evidenced I feel by the liberal use of the term "Nigga" so much so that some were moved to create an organization to gather support for the word not BEING used at all.

When I see young kids or even older adults on the street using the word, it makes me cringe, when i hear people arguing for their "right" to use this word I wonder, do they even understand or know how many people died because of that word, how absolutely and incredibly derogatory that word is. For some, it was the last thing they heard in this life. To fight for the right to use it as a means of "greeting" or that its just another "word" is somewhat amazing.

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