Watching the 4 acts - can a person stop an epiphany from happening..? What happens when you have an epiphany but ignore it?
I guess I am about to find out...
August 2006 Archives
today is one of those days where you just can't wait to get home...but in my case im not sure where that is...or how to get there...
Dante wants to go and see a chriopractor about his neck and I told him if he wanted I would get him in to see my Dr. . Of course he's out of town today or i would have caught up with him on the unit and spoken to him direclty. Appetite truly sucks today havent had anything to eat aside from the nutrament I had this morning for breakfast. was thinking about chipotle on the way home but i dont feel like going over to 6th avenue..when i get out of the gym tonight i want to go straight home....
and yes i am actually sleepy.....(YAWNS)
Days almost done, im about to head out from work and over to the gym. Been yawning like my head is going to fall off..somewhat tired but not tired enough not to go to the gym... besides its looking like im going to be really busy in the next few weeks...
Been trying for the last few hours to fall asleep unsuccessfully...am too wound up to fall asleep which is not good means i will be dragging tomorrow.
Happens all the time since the whole situation with dante started - things happen and i get so tense that it takes a while before im at ease or even close to it...sometimes not even as things have had a tendency to just keep popping up in which case i just stay tensed up...i know tonight im stretched tight as a guitar string...
Had a conversation today this evening actually and afterwards heard this and thought one day me and my lil sis are going to have to go out and have a few drinks and listen to this and maybe cry in our beers(drinks - ew i can't stand beer)
I've been crying
'Cause I'm lonely (for you)
Smiles have all turned to tears
But tears won't wash away the fears
That you're never ever gonna return
To ease the fire that within me burns
It keeps me crying baby for you
Keeps me sighin' baby for you
So won't you hurry ?
Come on boy, see about me
(Come see about me)
See about you baby
No peace shall I find
Until you come back
And be mine
No matter what you do or say
I'm gonna love you anyway
Keep on crying baby for you
I'm gonna keep sighin' baby for you
So come on hurry
Come on and see about me (Come see about me)
See about you baby
Sometimes up, sometimes down
My life's so uncertain
With you not around
From my arms you maybe out of reach
But my heart says you're here to keep
Keeps me crying baby for you
Keep on, keep on crying baby for you
So won't you hurry
Come on boy, see about me (Come see about me)
See about you baby (Come see about me)
You know I'm so lonely (Come see about me)
I love you only (Come see about me)
See about your baby (Come see about me)
Hurry, hurry
Do you know where you're going to
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know?
Do you get what you're hoping for
When you look behind you there's no open door
what are you hoping for
Do you know?
Just some of the things on my mind ...
not feeling well at all this evening , i am guessing its the "stress" of the last few days catching up with me....just threw up "dinner' and have been nursing a headache all afternoon...I actually "feel" on edge like im wound up and can't unwind...but the same time have the headache and feel lightheaded/dizzy...
The real trick though is not letting dante know....*sighs*
Feeling sick to my stomach....hope this all goes away by tomorrow...
There were things i needed to get done today that i have to just throw my hands up and go oh well...and try to ignore the phone calls from irate people who don't give a damn that you are just coming back from bringing your child home from the hospital....
And each and every one of them can right now kiss my entire arse....
Whatever word is equal to being past exhausted is what I am right now. I am just NOW getting back from picking Dante up from the hospital as he was discharged today...finally...I can't even see straight im so tired...
Song and food for thought for the day:
The Happening
(Holland Dozier Holland - as sung by the Supremes)
Hey life, look at me
I can see the reality
'Cause when you shook me, took me, outta my world
I woke up
Suddenly I just woke up to the happening
When you find that you left the future behind
'Cause when you find a tender love
You don't need to take care of
Then you better beware of the happening
One day you're up
When you turn around
You find your world is tumbling down
It happened to me and it can happen to you
I was sure, I felt secure
Until love took a detour, yeah!
Riding high on the top of the world it happened
Suddenly it just happened
I saw my dreams torn apart
When love walked away from my heart
And when you lose a precious love you need to guide you
Something happens inside you, the happening
Now I see life for what it is
It's not a dream
It's not a bliss
It happened to me and it can happen to you
Ooh, and then it happened
Ooh, and then it happened
Ooh, and then it happened
Is it real?
Is it fake?
Is this game of life a mistake?
'Cause when I lost the love
I thought was mine for certain
Suddenly it starts hurting
I saw the light too late
When that fickle finger of fate
Yeah! It came and broke my pretty balloon
I woke up
Suddenly I just woke up
So sure, I felt secure
Until love took a detour
'Cause when you got a tender love
You don't take care of
Then you better beware of
The happening
the reason this blog was started in the first place was because of Dante's previous hospitalization and trying to update everyone ina way that didnt include having to retell the same storie(s) over and over but let everyone know what was going on...
I saw dante twice today - when i first got in - and ran into one of the doctors as well. he informed me that the MRI and the MRA that were done last night both came back negative. He informed me however at that time that the plan was to do a spinal tap to also rule out any problems in that area. Unfortunately for dante that meant he could not eat anything until after they did the proceedure. When I saw him this morning he had a PICC line(i know im being clinical but im at work, bad habit)
I went to see him again in the afternoon around lunch time and he was doing ok he still had some discomfort and was more concerned about not having had anything to eat (he was hungry) we had no word at that time abotu when they were going to do the spinal. I got him a couple of movies to watch and i stayed for part of charlie and the chocolate factory and then i had to go back to the plantation before they came looking for me.
I have been calling hourly more or less to check on him - the last time i called he told me that the doctors had decided NOT to do the spinal because of the proximity to his tumor and the risk of the catecholamines infiltrating his spinal column - for those of you without medical terminology background lets just say that would be a VERY VERY BAD thing...
Instead they want to do some kind of CT scan and im sure with contrast - so when i spoke to him he was in the midst of ordering something to eat. No ETA on when they are going to do the CT scan but im sure that wont be that long a wait either.
As for me as long as i keep myself numb im ok - if i stay in "work" mode it doesnt allow me time to think about anything much i cant allow myself to think on any particular thing too much,. Think of the analogy of a closet door that you open slightly to peek in and realize that if you opened it a whole bunch of stuff would come bursting out and you would be buried under it thats about where i am right now.
haven't had any appetite today but i did pick my way through an omelette this morning. I can't afford to pass out right now and im already depleted since its that time of month.
Im headed back over to Sloan as soon as i clock out here dante asked me to bring him a subways sandwich which i will and then im going to go stay with him - havent decided if i will spend the night or not....i will see how hes doing and what he says...
Ok i got in last night from the gym and find out Dante had gone into the clinic because he was having more pain in his neck and actually left me a message saying that he was feeling a "cold wet pain" in his head and so he went into the clinic and they admitted him. Evidently once again no one thought to notify me which is why i didnt find out until i got home last night.
I got a call from my mother because she wanted to discuss travel arragenemnts for her coming back up here since now the lawyers are waiting on her to do the closing....after finding out dante was in the hospital i just couldn't talk and i didnt call but she called me...and demanded to know why i hadn't called her...i remember calling her an "evil woman" and saying dante's in the hospital before hanging up the phone...
I spoke to him briefly last night on the phone, I was going to turn around and go back to the hospital but he suggested i wait till the morning and just come over after i sign in at work ( i work across the street from his hospital) Appreantly he is being evaluated by the Neurology team to rule out aneurysms, the tumor spreading, or anything of that nature. They did an MRI and an MRA last night and when I got in this morning to see him the doctor told me those tests were negative..
He still has to go for a spinal tap at some point today..I haven't really said anything to anybody and I guess right now i just don't feel like talking much or having to tell this story over and over. I haven't said anything here at work and I doubt that I will because im tired of people looking at me with pity
Those parents over at the center are going to be up in arms since i was supposed to send out their order today and im not sure if i will get around to it and quite frankly right now i dont give a damn...
Days like today make me wonder if i will ever see a time in my life where im happy again....these days it doesnt feel like it and no place i go can i find peace of mind...
Every day that he's not there for me, that i have to come up with yet an explanation or "story" as to why hes "not" around, every day that i have to face another challenge with my son knowing he can't be THERE, and probably never will be, every day that i go without so much as a hug, a smile, every night that i go to bed alone, every day that i have to force myself to be happy when all i want to do is stretch out on the ground and cry....a piece of my heart breaks....
it has happened so much that there's just not much left TO break...
I have to go lie down my head is spinning...my nerves are on edge...*sighs* again...
if i had to think of one word to sum up how i feel right now....forlorn.....
The fruits of love grow all around
But for me they come a tumblin' down.
Every day heartaches grow a little stronger
I can't stand this pain much longer
I walk in shadows
Searching for light
Cold and alone
No comfort in sight,
Hoping and praying for someone to care
Always moving and goin no where
What becomes of the broken hearted?
What have I got to do to make you love me
What have I got to do to make you care
What do I do when lightning strikes me
And I wake to find that you're not there..
What do I do to make you want me
What have I got to do to be heard
It's sad, so sad
It's a sad, sad situation
DAnte had another one of those "heart racing" episodes literally this morning....he knocked on my door and asked if he should call ems as his heart rate was at 135. I made him go lie down immediately and gave him something cool to drink....and retook his pressure lying down....at which point his heart rate started to subside....we both noted that he had just gone to the bathroom prior to all this so we are now wondering if its something related to the tumor....my nerves are frayed beyond belief...i HATE living like this....its taking all the good out of me and leaving me with fear and anxiety...
I just hate this...i hate this...then if i feel like shyt im supposed to just "snap" out of it...will someone PLEASE tell me how the hell you snap out of this???
Just yesterday,
I cast my eyes upon your lovely face
but that was yesterday,
Now just a dream
A dream that lives inside my memories
wish it could be reality
shine on yesterday
Carry me away and let me be back
In your arms, holding you again
shine on yesterday
carry me away to be with you
Somehow let my dream come true
You know sometimes
I stop and stare no matter where I am
Thinking of you again
Once in a while
I call your name out loud
Hoping you'd hear
hoping my prayer will bring you here
Shine on yesterday
Carry me away
And let me be back
in your arms holding you again
Shine on yesterday
Carry me away to be with you
Because this if for me
My one and only draem
I've ever wanted to come true...
not being melodramatic...but standing outside in the rain listening to ipod playing "can you stand the rain?"
you can't make this stuff up folks...
seems im creating a new nightly ritual....in conjunction to the insomnia that never seems to go away....wake up blog, go outside for a while.cry a little......come back in and find something to do until i fall back asleep or i have to get up for work...
Peace of mind continue to be elusive
thinking along the lines of homeland security - stress level is high - equal to a red alert. am letting my muse out today in the hopes that inspiration which cultivates relaxation occurs.
or more simply put i need some down time - perilously close to a breaking point...but as always has been the case - strong self preservation instincts kick in and force me to start shutting down..
Sometimes its better to let those who went before say what we are unable to find ways to express:
"Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit."
Kahlil Gibran
"The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread."
Mother Theresa
And last but by no means least....
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage"
Lao Tzu
He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God...
Aeschlyus(525 BC - 456 BC)
Greek Poet, Playwright
I absolutely couldnt say it better myself...
how jacked up is it when your own mother hates you so much that she can stand to see you on the street with nothing ?
How evil is it that a grandmother knowing her grandson is fighting cancer and struggling to stay in college because that was what kept him going through his illness....that she would stand to see him not go....refuse to help unless the help is in the form of a loan which would have to be "paid back"
Even more to the point how am i suppopsed to function with all these things going on...
i have to find a way to tell my son that he may not be able to go back to college this fall...
and because of this same "mother" im about two seconds away from financial ruin....while she enjoys the sun and poolside in her new "home" with her new found wealth...
its wasn't enough that i had to go through the beginnings of dante's illness "ostensibly" on my own now in truth I am completely on my own....
somehow i managed to make it in to work...i have no idea the whole ride in was like a blur...it was like my footsteps just went without me consciously thinking about where i was going. I ran into my supervisor on the way in and i told her...and she was concerned and she asked me to keep her posted...
I can't even think about crying right now, even though my eyes keep welling up with tears....i know i should eat something especially after last nights work out (40 min - 460+ calories burned) buti have no appetite and I cant even think enough to figure out what i would eat...
My son is on his way in to see his regular doctors and so i have to wait and find out what happens there..
.i feel right now like im being pulled apart piece by piece systematically....
how i get through the day is anyone's guess....
if ever there was a time when i needed to be held tonight is that night...
If ever there was a time where i needed a shoulder to cry on - tonight is that night....
if ever i needed someone...a night like tonight was that night.....
but i have none of these things...and my chest is killing me with the pain.....
damn my heart hurts so much tonight....
i dont even know how im supposed to go to sleep tonight...my eyes are burning like there are tears there waiting to come out but they won't.....my nerves are shot to shyt....i was supposed to call my mother tonight but i don't feel like talking to her...
People just don't understand living like this....im to the point now where i have to really "brace" myself to come home at night not knowing what im going to find when i get home...
my nerves are just so bad right now....im not even going in the bedroom because im not going to be able to sleep...
ok i come in from the gym, and my son hits me with - he had to call ems and be rushed tot he hospital because his heart rate zoomed up to 170 for no reason...and they had to come get him and take him to downstate - they did ct scans of his chest and didnt see anything that would cause his heart rate to go up like that....additionally his blood pressure was actually normal... his heart rate eventually returned to normal...but we have no idea what caused it to go up like that in the first place(well its probably the tumor) but we dont know why?
After him explaining to me all this...and how they came and had to give him oxygen...i started to just go outside and sit on the curb and cry...instead of doing that i did go outside but i wound up calling a girlfriend just to talk about something else...because i didnt feel like falling apart - and still dont...
He's got to go to the doctor tomorrow...somehow im supposed to manage to be at work knowing all this....
God help me....it's just too much...
for the record - my mood actually is quite excellent - my tolerance for bullshyt however, is at an all time low....which actually makes sense if you think about it.
Im contemplating stopping off at Barnes and Nobles tonight -itching to read something good....lets see how i feel after gym tonight...
My understanding of being in love is having that person that you would walk through fire for, who you cant imagine life without...who you would even give your life for......a person who is happy JUST to be with you....and who actually looks forward to being with you....(sex optional) yeah i know more fairytales.....but i actually believe that someone actually could and would find me special enough - i guess thats part of what keeps me going every day....
How many times a day must i pray to find that person before i finally do ...
How many buckets of tears do i have to cry before they show up....
How many levels of pain and hell must i go through in the meantime?
And more importantly how much disillusionment do i take before i give up on the possibility of ever being in a truly loving relationship.....
This is the most played song on my ipod playlist as of today:
Nobody can tell ya
There's only one song worth singing
They may try and sell ya
Cause it hangs them up
To see someone like you
But you've gotta make your own kind of music
Sing your own special song
Make your own kind of music
Even if nobody else sings along
You're gonna be no where
The loneliest kind of lonely
It may be rough going
Just to do your thing,
Is the hardest thing to do
But you've gotta make your own kind of music
Sing your own special song
Make your own kind of music
Even if nobody else sings along
So if you cannot take my hand
And if you must be going
I will understand
You've gotta make your own kind of music
Sing your own special song
Make your own kind of music
Even if nobody else sings along
ok well sometimes life intrudes and doesnt let you do the things that mean the most or help you "get through" and you have to wait till you can....such is the way with posting here....
just to update....im down another 4lbs as of monday and total weight lost from the time I started going to the gym is 34 lbs altogether down from a starting weight of 284lb now as of this past monday 250lb(had a weigh in) this is for all of you who have been asking me how much i weigh this should answer your question(s)
more importantly than the weight itself is the fact that I can now walk without pain and actually at times can manage to walk without limping and that to me means a whole lot more. Recent x-rays show that the arthritis and inflmation that was showing up in the last set of x-rays has somewhat subsided as the muscle tone has helped inprove my range of movement tremendously - at one point i couild not even lift my leg high enough to get into the tub i had to literally PULL my leg up with my hands just to step into the bath tub - thankfully that is no longer the case
My doctor is very encouraged by my progress and right now surgery is not so much of an issue as it was when this all started.
As for myself I am truly elated at the progress that I have made and am proud of myself for recognizing and realizing that investing the time. money and effort into my health was and is more than worth it....
I look forwarrd to going to the gym every day and actually only miss going if i am truly exhausted or if life is intruding to the point where I cant get there....
The adrenaline rush and endorphins kick in to the point where by the time im ready to leave the gym im ready to skip out the door....
Being able to walk without a limp has its advantages as well....
But biggest of all is the fact that even though my life and the situations surrounding my life may try to convince me that im worthless....bottom line is im not buying into it....and one of the best things I can do to refute all that is to work on getting healthier, via the gym. making healthy eating choices and just generally taking care of myself...
isn't it ironic that when I am at my saddest is when i am also my most creative...i worked on a render tonight, wrote poetry, and i was about to pull out ultrafractal but if i dont go to bed soon it will be a problem in the morning..
been waxxing poetic tonight....lots of pent up stuff haven't posted all of them but will this weekend...i would say im going to go to bed and count sheep until i fall asleep...but my sheep all quit because they were tired of getting soaked by my tears....
but you know what thats ok....because if there are no sheep to count.....i will reach into my imagination ...and count butterflies....
The worst kind of lonely
is the kind where your only company
are words
Reaching out to hold onto
The intangible expressions
Only results in
Empty hands
And many tears....
peace of mind is hard to come by
and i haven't found it yet
Mind so filled with things
that i'd someday like to forget
to silence all the racing thoughts
Is something that i strive to do
but something always comes along
and brings my memory back to you
my eyes they burn from crying
so many more tears they go unshed
untill i try to seek some sleep
and lay myself in bed
Then one by one the tears they fall
and soak the pillow through
What i wouldnt give to sleep one night
Without first crying over you.
To seek the silence in my mind
I try so hard but cannot find
a place inside that does not yearn
for simple things
but i have learned
If sleep i seek then i must let go
The tears must come and let them flow
till sheer exhaustion takes me away
and brings me to another day...
today i can truthfully say that i am "sick and tired of being sick and tired"
im exasperated.....mentally exhausted - nerves are so on edge the least little thing would probably cause me to burst out crying...but before that happens im turning in...crying on my pillow while falling asleep doesnt count...it happens too much already....its become a nightly ritual...
how jacked up is that?
Had a stress-fueled work out tonight....heart rate hit 140+ a few times cracked the 20 minute mile by two minutes (a mile in 18) and burned a total of 356 calories - mind you thats just on the cardio(elliptical) machine. i also did most of a circuit on the nautilus - mainly focused on leg presses since they help my hips - still in all felt decent...and managed to get home before dark for a change.
Im going to start doing crunches in the mornings when i get up....im really hating my stomach right now...
A mostly productive day - the "rendering" bug is back in full force - take a look:
One of the "Moirae" Atropos - because of the swords I am actually working on Clothos and and Lachesis and will post them here when I am done.
Ok - I admit, I miss him but im going to keep this "brave face" i have going on for as long as I need to...
This weeks goals are clearly defined but are crucial every last one....
Attend the gym a minumum of five days this week - including at least one pilates class
Clear out my mother's basement
Complete setting up the Insurance contact database at work
Draft a proposal for the trip to south africa to include a goodwill game between a team from here(NY) and a team in South Africa, including a life skills segment that will include community service (while there)
Ok this will be a good one as its in part response to something said to me by someone that begs for a response but it also is something I had been contemplating and considering for some time.
The pursuit of goals, and in fact the act of being "goal oriented". I would like to think that there is no better example of how much emphasis and how my idea of focus and goals are of importance but by looking at my son. From a very early age he was taught and shown as best as i could that in order for him to live a life where he would have MORE choices and more freedom to do the things that he wanted to do, to live the kind of life that would be more comfortable for him, that he had to hit the books in school, and go to college. Not that I drummed it in his head but it was imparted to him and whenever I got the opportunity to show him actual evidence of this being the case I did. I tried to expose him to professional people who had gone that route as well as expose him to situations and circumstances that would reinforce that.
The result is nothing short of stunning, because even having spent an entire summer in the hospital with a serious illness and even being very close to not being here at all, he never lost sight of his goals. To graduate high school and go on to college. It was what he used to focus on during the entire time he was in the hospital and even when he got out, he never relinquished his focus and did not doubt for one second and did not even speak any words of doubt into existence.
Even when everything around him appeared to be working against him he never lost sight of his goal. He NEVER EVER gave up. Never said, "Mom I can't do this..." NEVER. While there may have been times when he was in the hospital where the situations he was going through made him exasperated, angry even(the MSG insurance fiasco comes to mind) HE never ever gave up, and I as his mother never EVER stood in his way nor did anything in thought word, or deed to discourage him in any way.
Evidently something worked and as he prepares to go back to register for his second semester of classes at college. I know it is more of a testament to who HE is and is a walking, shinning, no BLINDING example of being goal oriented, being able to focus on those goals, and being completely unafraid of doing what is necessary to achieve them.
People have tried to credit me with what he has achieved so far in his life and I hear the phrase often "well it was a result of good parenting, you did this or that etc...."
My parenting was not so spectacular - i just love my child I loved him from the moment i felt him move inside me and every day i see him it grows. I don't feel like i did anything overly out of the way or anything that is like "well tell us how you did it "
I love my son with everything that is inside me, I am proud of his accomplishments because for me it is a testament to the wonderful person that i know him to be, NOT necessarily becaose of anything i did other than bring him into the world.
Continue reading Goal Oriented - 101.
i just kicked my son out of the house, no sense in both of us being stuck in here -
And mine is building like a raging wildfire...
This image was finished this morning
It's also posted on Renderosity.com in my gallery there
This one I am still working on although I may save this version of it as well
I am up and running this morning later on closer to this evening i will run out to my mothers to start getting the basement cleared out. I should take my digital camera with me to take photos and post them here to show how the heck she left that basement and then me ALONE is supposed to clear it out. It's almost as if she didnt take hardly anything out of the basement.
I will do the best i can, dante' cant help with anything much - im not going to have him trying to do heavy lifting with him having pressure issues....and since there isn't anyone else helping, literally.....
In any case, going for a morning walk....will check in later in the day...
Even though I spent the day in "silence" as the one person i would have "liked" to hear from I didn't, the day ended on a surprising high note.
Some friends and I have agreed and are going to attend a women's retreat in september, where Iyanla Vanzant is the facillitator. IT will be an interesting group that goes. One of us will be very pregnant(still) two of us have very "similar" relationship issues, and one will be a new mom who REALLY really needs to go. I can say truthfully that im not sure which feels better , the fact that I am going, or the fact that I am going to arrange for
The second and you can debate on which one of these events outshines the other. My girlfriend in Kansas City has invited me to go with her and her school (she's an educator) to South Africa next year. They are going on a ten day tour of the country and she invited me to go with them (prolly chaperone) to assist with creating and implementing a blog for the kids here and (in Africa) to utilize. And as always since she's my sis she invited me to throw out(up) any ideas for places and things to do there and im sitting here typing this now grinning from ear to ear.
ME being me I have already started pulling info regarding historical sites there(in south africa) we spoke about the trip being around Juneteenth(what a celebration that will be) I am going to get some information from here regarding the African Burial ground and the slave trade routes. Let me just pause a minute and say, if i have to make a trip like that - and i was planning a trip to England next year; to go as part of a group of educators and children is the way to go.
I was a little challenged in trying to figure out where i wanted to go prior to the invite because a lot of the places i would go (to relax for vacation) are "couple" places and since im not traveling like that, it became a little more challenging to figure out where i was going to go. LOL thats why England popped up
I don't feel like im melancholy in particular today, im more Introspective. I have a tendency to be that way on occaision, no specific reason that i can attest to. Just once in a while i think about what i have done and what im doing and what i want to do in a realistic way. Obviously that is some heavy duty thinking and there are going to be things that come up that are not going to be happy joy filled things....the pouint is to do this review of "life issues" fix what can be fixed, resolve what can be resolved, inquire about what you dont know how to resolve, file it away for later, and then go on about the business of living.
Which is exactly what I am doing.
im so feeling this this morning that i had to go dig it up and find it to post here....
Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because I hurt.
I cried because I was hurt.
I cried because hurt has no place to go
except deeper into the pain that
caused it in the first place,
and when it gets there,
the hurt wakes you up.
I cried because it was too late.
I cried because it was time.
I cried because my soul knew that I didn't know
that my soul knew everything I needed to know.
I cried a soulful cry yesterday,
and it felt so good.
It felt so very, very bad.
In the midst of my crying,
I felt my freedom coming,
Because Yesterday,
I cried with an agenda.