Night two of major insomnia. Does it count as insomnia when you just never go to sleep in the first place?
I managed to drift off into a truly uneasy sleep and woke up to some movie on tv and someone had just been found dead. A woman who i guess was a relative or close friend, was devastated by what had happened. There was a scene where she was trying to fall asleep and was in bed with her estranged husband and in her tossing and turning and trying to fall asleep she kept scooting back in the bed until her "husband" reached out and pulled her into his arms...and she actually then was able to sleep....
And i thought - touch...the power of touch...
Sunned up yesterday so well....
During Dante's treatment i couldnt go NEAR him let alone touch him. It didnt keep me from staying right next(stall) to him and maintaining a conversation with him while watching a movie which is what we normailly do. I remember the Radiolgy Chief going down the safety list...and saying you don't want to be in close proximity, like hugs or anything for an extended time for at least 24 hours....(don't touch) I remember while he was saying all this thinking, if my son wanted or needed a hug right now....you and your damned safety precautions could go to hell...
I remember catching myself while the guy was talking and saying "don't cry, not now not in front of dante" I looked up and looked around the room and saw that look that people always get when they are around us(me and dante) that "we're so sorry for you and my isn't it sad what these two are going through" and i thought about "touch" again..wondering in that moment what i would give to be held....just for an instant...the thought causing me to shudder...and shiver....
Thinking even deeper, not all touches are physical....i had a few "touches" yesterday that had nothing to do with a physical touch per say....people demanding material things not giving a good damn about cancer, or radiation - and itreatments, or sickness, or anything remotely related. These kinds of touches generally by virtue of their insensitivity cause me to withdraw whether out of pain or unwillingness to deal with the harsh realism it invokes...
I am going to the gym this morning. I NEED to work out my mind needs something else to work through besides whats going on here which i have no control over. I need something to do that will keep me from thinking about crying constantly and i need to figure out how I am going to make it through the next few weeks...as relates to this train of thought, i need a touch...but realizing while saying it that its not likely to happen....need to additionally figure a way past all these things without it...it's been two years and I haven't figured that out yet.
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