As this holiday season comes to a close and all the REST of the world prepares for family gatherings and other Norman Rockwell type settings, I am just thinking about the things that I really want not just for Christmas but what i really truly want.
It would figure that the things that mean the most to me are things that are unlikely to come to fruition.
Not taking a pessimistic attitude but just in terms of what they are its just being realistic. Not comforting to say the least.
It always has been and will be a dream of mine to finally find someone to settle down with who would love me completely (im wondering if this is some form of mental illness at this point) The closest I came was a marriage that wound up being a situation where i was caregiver for a bi-polar, physically abusive person who i didnt know and in hindsight who i married out of fear of being never asked.
The relationship I am in currently, is so incredibly bittersweet. While on the one hand I get the "outward" signs of caring, via constant contact there is so much missing from this situation that I wonder about the sanity of being in it in the first place. Love is not rational though is it? Yes we can choose how we express our love and who we express it to. All the rational arguments about being in love with the right person sound really good when you already have that person or are twenty years old with a lot of time to find them.
Someday when im not so innundated with dealing with a job that is hellish at best, trying to build a non profit organization from scratch, dealing with extremely dependent family members, make some friends, I will walk away from what has been a gut wrenching situation from day one.
Which leads to the second thing. I would give my right arm to have at least one more child and that is no more likely to happen than the first since both are tied to each other. The child thing has the added onus of my biological clock ticking ever closer to a stop.
Of course none of these things would be issues if i could somehow metamorphis into a club hopping, unfeeling, living in the moment bitch. Since thats probably not going to happen either - i get to muddle through this thing called life and hopefully make it without so many scars that the true person that i am is lost.
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