Someone asked me this morning , what my most memorable moment of 2005 would be? After considering for a while I realized there were several.....My son's valedictorian speech tops all of them....followed closely by getting that notorious email from W after four years of not hearing from him tied with realizing exactly how much i care about him....
It has been years since I have even really contemplated or been in what i call "gift mode" I have always been the type of person not to give gifts lightly. No matter who the receipent is - this even extends to cards - maybe its somewhat anal but i have always strived to give gifts that are very personal, extremely appropriate and memorable in some way. Which means no one will ever get a toaster from me lol
There's so much of me that has been buried and dormant under years of ish....funny how all that stuff is getting brought back up to the light of day....
A better choice of words could not be dreamed up. Up and down all within the space of a day, no within the space of hours - this is an apt description. The thing though is how do you feel at the end of the ride? Do you feel like you are going to throw up your insides?Do you feel like you are stumbling around and need medical attention? Or do you feel exhillarated and are ready to hop back on the ride for more?Do you get off the ride triumphant fist pumping in the air and stoked, ready for more?
How to explain the attraction? The first contact was like lightning literally - if ever there was a case of one's mind being blown then this would be it. I am reminded of the many Tex Avery cartoons where the character sees someone for the first time and is so smitten that they either fall literally to pieces or lose complete control of whatever faculties they have. So it was and is in this situation. For my part the attraction has always been extremely intense. The kind of intense that takes away all logical thought and reason. Clothed or unclothed doesn't matter and in fact the mere sound of his voice makes you want to "do things" with no exagerration at all.
My observations of W have led to a similar circumstance as far as their reaction to me. I have seen him try to resist and fight it and lose. I have had conversations with him that were completely innocuous and resulted in a "visit" that was unplanned and unscheduled.
They say the eyes don't lie....looking into his eyes you can see such a deep desire and longing that at times its hard to look at him - because of the situation...
I truly feel that I have tried with everything inside me to look past what "everyone" would deem a doomed and ill-fated relationship that would lead to nothing but heartache(which it has)
I have never put myself in a position to say, oh well i can't date or see anyone because of how i feel about W. I have in fact tried to be open minded about the few people who have expressed any interest beyond the usual un purposeful flirting. Reason being IF as it was said over and over again, that "right person" were to come along I did not want to exclude them because of a situation that would not go anywhere.
Without exception, every single person that has tried to talk to me since 2000, has wanted sex. Has expressed the fact that they wanted sex and when presented with my position of not wanting to have sex with anyone other than a fiancee' or a husband - then began the major bullshyting that would end up with them ultimately giving up once they realized i wasn't kidding.
Some never made it that far - they just refused to put in that amount of work and i was of course labled all kinds of a bytch and that i was too "tight" and that no one was going to get into that situation with me unless i "loosened up"
In the meantime the situation with B was evolving and i was growing to realize the depths of his deception...that situation coupled with the many "zeroes" that i was encountering really did a number on my self esteem.
My weight zoomed up to the point where i didnt even want to get on the scale...
September 11, part of me died that day, or so i thought. I felt what I thought was the final nail in the coffin as it were. There was no way for me to know what if anything happened to W, and i was resigned to not ever knowing.
I remember having to go down to that part of manhattan and passing by what used to be the exit/entrance from the E train at chambers Street station and the tears welling up in my eyes.
But one constant in my life has been - not being able/willing to spend inordinate amounts of time brooding/crying over spilt milk. And so it was with this situation.
In an Ill-advised attempt to "get over it" and "move on" with my life, i started seeing B in october. In hindsight, it was so obviously a "rebound" relationship that even the person them selves was the antithesis of W and it was almost as if i was trying to construct a relationship that would be the complete "opposite" of what i had gone through with W.
I anticipate getting a lot of writing done in the next few days. Since I will not be having a "traditional" or conventional holiday...due to my extremely dysfunctional family who i want no parts of (last night i was accused of not signing a document properly and having ulterior motives for not "signing my name right") I am officially back in fuck you mode and aside from my son i want nothing to do with them.
Since i have nothing else going on this coming week, i plan on getting as much writing down as possible reason being it brings clarity which i really need right now.
Just to explain a point that some may have not figured out yet...I feel so head over heels in love with this man that I am still searching for words to explain this all and years later im still hard pressed. I know why i just dont know why its so incredibly strong and why when i have attempted to "search" elsewhere or get into something else it absolutely never works out.
Then began the most mentally exhausting relationship I have ever been in aside from my marriage. He ultimately wound up coming over but obviously with an attraction that strong something was bound to happen. It did..and that was the crux of one of our major problems...see W was obviously attracted/turned on by me however, at that time he would not induldge in full intercourse - as it turns out because of his "marriage". There was at that time some seriously heavy petting and oral stuff going on but never penetration.
To be involved with someone who is constantly telling you they care about you, who looks at you like you are some kind of goddess, but then on the other hand refuses to completely consumate the relationship is, I believe a form of mental abuse. And while it took me a little while I eventually gained the necessary strength/courage/moxy or whatever you want to call it to walk away from him.
Part of doing that entailed me threatening to go to his wife and tell her what was going on. IN doing so i even went as far as contacting one of the members of his church that knew both him and his wife but she refused to say anything and by that time i just wanted that whole sordid mess to be over and to get on with my life. Or at least make the attempt.
WE ended things in 2001 a month before september 11 and when the towers came down all i could think of was - he could be dead or hurt and i will never know....and i will never ever see him again...
I remember right after that speaking to my friend in KC and telling her that it was so nice the way that all happened and that if nothing else ever happened and i never spoke to W again that it would be cool because it was just "nice"
The next day he emailed me. He wanted to know more about me he SAID at that time that he was in the process of moving out and that in fact he was going to look at apartments that following weekend. WE talked back and forth for a while and then eventually made plans to meet for coffee at dunkin donuts. Nothing major just coffee and i figured that was safe enough at the time.
I was wrong. The man proceeded to flirt with me unmercilessly. If i did have any conversation i couldn't dream of what it was I only remember having fits of giggles that i couldnt stop and him constantly looking at me and rendering me speechless.
I do remember him saying that he would walk me home (it was dark by then) and i said ok . actually thought it was considerate of him to want to.
We got to my house and stopped in the yard out front. He thanked me for a nice evening and before i knew what was going to happen he kissed me....
It is a running joke and has been in many cartoon skits - the guy kisses the girl and fireworks go off - but this was real and when i say i literally had fireworks going off in my head it is no exaggeration. I have never ever in my life been kissed that way or have had that kind of reaction or response to someone kissing me under any circumstances..
The kiss went on for so long that i actually felt my knees trembling i thought i was going to pass out.
There just are no words to describe the sparks that flew that night. We only kissed he eventually left...but my life would never be the same again...
As I am grappling with a relationship that is not anything close to "ideal" i have to vent. it is a situation where i really can't talk to anyone about this much but if i don't get some of what im feeling and thinking off my chest i feel like i will really lose it.
The best way to do this is to start at the beginning.....so here goes
I met W back in 2000 and it was one of those "freak" things. I was headed to the video store to return some tapes and was standing at the bus stop waiting for a bus when W comes walking down the block. I was struck by him at the time because of the neighborhood we were in and his appearance did not match. He had on a suit and a full length trench coat and just seemed very out of place. Lost even, was what i thought as i glimpsed him walking towards me. I didn't think too much more at the time other than that thought. I was therefore stunned when this same person decided to "speak" to me. I was carrying one of my MCSE textbooks as i was studying for that at the time and he asked me about it and made mention of the fact that you don't see too many people let alone sistas walking around with that kind of book anywhere. He introduced himself and stated that he worked as manager of an IT department down on wall street. My responses were pretty much by rote. When i say i was struck dumb by this man's appearance, it is an understatement. The thought i did have at the time was..."why is this man talking to me of all people" I was expecting allen funt to jump out at any moment and say Smile you're on candid camera.
The bus finally comes and i get on thinking ok well it was nice chatting with him and make a bee line for the single seats thinking ok well this is a non confrontational way to let the conversation end. I hadn't counted on him coming to sit right in front of me. Where he proceeded to continue the conversation and asked me for my email address. I gave it to him not believing for one second that he would ever use it.
AS difficult and crazy and as little of a support system as i have, i can't shake the desire to do the one thing that i seem to have done exceptionally well - i have always had a deep and abiding love for children which goes way way back. Even though my life did not turn out the way that i envisioned this is an ache that just doesnt go away and everything around me serves to remind me of my childless state soon to be unable to bear children and if this sounds like its depressing it is...i have to work hard not to think about this very hard
As this holiday season comes to a close and all the REST of the world prepares for family gatherings and other Norman Rockwell type settings, I am just thinking about the things that I really want not just for Christmas but what i really truly want.
It would figure that the things that mean the most to me are things that are unlikely to come to fruition.
Not taking a pessimistic attitude but just in terms of what they are its just being realistic. Not comforting to say the least.
It always has been and will be a dream of mine to finally find someone to settle down with who would love me completely (im wondering if this is some form of mental illness at this point) The closest I came was a marriage that wound up being a situation where i was caregiver for a bi-polar, physically abusive person who i didnt know and in hindsight who i married out of fear of being never asked.
The relationship I am in currently, is so incredibly bittersweet. While on the one hand I get the "outward" signs of caring, via constant contact there is so much missing from this situation that I wonder about the sanity of being in it in the first place. Love is not rational though is it? Yes we can choose how we express our love and who we express it to. All the rational arguments about being in love with the right person sound really good when you already have that person or are twenty years old with a lot of time to find them.
Someday when im not so innundated with dealing with a job that is hellish at best, trying to build a non profit organization from scratch, dealing with extremely dependent family members, make some friends, I will walk away from what has been a gut wrenching situation from day one.
Which leads to the second thing. I would give my right arm to have at least one more child and that is no more likely to happen than the first since both are tied to each other. The child thing has the added onus of my biological clock ticking ever closer to a stop.
Of course none of these things would be issues if i could somehow metamorphis into a club hopping, unfeeling, living in the moment bitch. Since thats probably not going to happen either - i get to muddle through this thing called life and hopefully make it without so many scars that the true person that i am is lost.
As this holiday season comes to a close and all the REST of the world prepares for family gatherings and other Norman Rockwell type settings, I am just thinking about the things that I really want not just for Christmas but what i really truly want.
It would figure that the things that mean the most to me are things that are unlikely to come to fruition.
Not taking a pessimistic attitude but just in terms of what they are its just being realistic. Not comforting to say the least.
It always has been and will be a dream of mine to finally find someone to settle down with who would love me completely (im wondering if this is some form of mental illness at this point) The closest I came was a marriage that wound up being a situation where i was caregiver for a bi-polar, physically abusive person who i didnt know and in hindsight who i married out of fear of being never asked.
The relationship I am in currently, is so incredibly bittersweet. While on the one hand I get the "outward" signs of caring, via constant contact there is so much missing from this situation that I wonder about the sanity of being in it in the first place. Love is not rational though is it? Yes we can choose how we express our love and who we express it to. All the rational arguments about being in love with the right person sound really good when you already have that person or are twenty years old with a lot of time to find them.
Someday when im not so innundated with dealing with a job that is hellish at best, trying to build a non profit organization from scratch, dealing with extremely dependent family members, make some friends, I will walk away from what has been a gut wrenching situation from day one.
Which leads to the second thing. I would give my right arm to have at least one more child and that is no more likely to happen than the first since both are tied to each other. The child thing has the added onus of my biological clock ticking ever closer to a stop.
Of course none of these things would be issues if i could somehow metamorphis into a club hopping, unfeeling, living in the moment bitch. Since thats probably not going to happen either - i get to muddle through this thing called life and hopefully make it without so many scars that the true person that i am is lost.
How incredibly fugged up is it to find yourself at 39 years of age...and involved with a married man who is about the ONLY person in your life that even tries to be supportive and is the only person around you that even makes you feel good. BEing number two is never what it is cracked up to be....
How incredibly fugged up is it to have an only child fighting cancer and struggling to stay in college which has been a dream of his for so long...all the while bouncing in and out of the hospital and giving new meaning to test anxiety when in fact if he doesnt ace every single one of his final exams he will have to leave the college he's attending and transfer back to a college closer to home...
How fugged up is it when you feel like crying or are upset you have no one to talk to
How fugged up is it when you feel so overwhelmed and burdened down by all the incredibly negative things going on around you that you just don't care anymore...
How fugged up is it that while your son fights his cancer your mother is diagnosed with cancer and is undergoing radiation therapy at the same time.....
How fugged up is it that your father, and stepfather, grandfather etc. all have died from cancer....
How fugged up is it that i wind up having to type all this crap here
My life is so incredibly fugged up right now i keep wondering why im still here because i dont feel im serving any purpose at all and each day i live i am forced to endure more and more humiliation, more pain and hurt....and i feel like my head should be exploding from all this and every part and every facet of my life is painful every where i turn and everything i do has pain attached to it....but im supposed to find the bright side of things and just carry on....
I am supposed to walk away from the only person that makes me feel even halfway human...and go back to being alone and scared.....
Who or what in the hell is the thing that seems to feel like i can take any and all types of crap and not give in....
well i give up...i can't take anymore...doesnt matter...because in all the stuff thats going on in my life one thing keeps ringing true...i just dont matter....and may as well be invisible because thats the life that im leading.
The title is a word my son gave me..or i should say told me about...its an acronym...means...Fucked Up Beyond All Reason....that is about a perfect description of my life right now...
