for the love of music...always being asked for clips makes you want to run and hide your ipod...people seem to think that the sight of an ipod is tantamount to you being a walking living breathing dj complete with sound equipment and the ability to create albums and cds on the fly.
In this case they are somewhat correct as i can create the albums on the fly...
LOL but why should i ??
I so need to move..and yet im trapped here....my mother has taken things to whole new levels...and understanidng and knowing her situation....fine...but i am under so much pressure already....i keep trying to explain to her that i can't literally take anymore and its like she's not hearing me...its like everything i have ever done wrong or incorrect in her eyes is being held eternally against me and she is on a crusade to make my life miserable....
she opens my mail....she has ransacked my apartment and i dont even know where half of my things are...she has no respect for my privacy she pops up and walks into my place whenever she wants....
As bad as all this sounds...here's the kicker...i can't AFFORD to move...i just don't have the money for a deposit on an apartment...and so i get to stay here and be driven mad...or into a stroke...
I hate the part of me that helps everyone out without question giving so much of myself and that has no one to call on in a time of need....
I hate the part of me that stands by powerless unable to figure out something so simple as transporting one storage box and a computer monitor from NY to Philly
I hate the part of me that wants to scream in frustration while the rain pours down and makes what was already an improbable trip an impossible one.
I particularly hate the part of me that wants to cry tears that no one will see or hear and even more importantly that no one gives a damn about....
I feel like the weather today. Five oclock can't get here soon enough...
where is the place that one can escape from the things that life throws at you that are unsolvable and that press you unrelentlessly....what is the action that one can take that will relieve and aleviate the weight of worldly woes....When prayers seemingly go unanswered...when you feel like you have given all you have to give and are spent....
what ....do you do...
When you can't sleep...can't eat...eyes burn with unshed tears.... when everything that used to bring a smile to your face makes you feel like bowing your head in sorrow...
What do you do...
When you get tired of bending your friends ears with all the woeful tales that have become common place in your life when you get tired of bringing "yet" more bad news....
what do you do??
When you wake up in the middle of the night - peace of mind gone
What do you do....
When you do what you think is right and somehow it always turns out wrong...
What do you do...
Feel free to submit suggestions....
Lest this take on an entirely too maudlin tone....Dante will be coming home for a visit this weekend...his school situation seems to be working itself out. He has it seems worked through his problems with financial aid and has made impressions on some of his teachers and staff....so much so that they are working to get him over to the Honors Dorm to which he is supposed to be in the first place since he is attending honors college at Drexel.
He is that one bright spot in a land where darkness looms - he always has been...
back to the salt mines today....still waiting on the rest of my mother's test results to know what course her treatment is going to take. She has already put in her request that i routinely call her and offer her words of encouragement since she has been having bouts of depression since her initial diagnosis..
One who always gives...to all who need and ask...yet gets so little in return...
At least its friday....
easy to say hard to do...when your life is consisting of major crisis type shocks over and over and back to back and there is no seemingly soft spot in your life..there is no support system in place and there are very few places where you can turn to even get so much as a kind word...when you happen to stumble into someone or something that gives that ease.....its like a man in the desert stumbling into an oasis filled with ice cold water...
I have over the last couple of years learned that life is always going to be full of twists turns and loopbacks and that nothing is ever what it seems to be on the surface.
This was brought home recently by the return of someone into my life who i have not seen nor heard from in many many years.
In fact given the way in which we parted ways four years ago....i had no reason to think that we would ever speak or see each other again it was just that final.
The events of 9/11 made it seem even more so as this person i knew worked in very close proximity to the wtc and as far as i knew he could have been dead or seriously injured...i would never know...at least so i thought
Fast forward to September 18 of this year...my infamous "birthday" and i just happened to go check my aol mail which i had been slacking off doing lately because im so rarely on aol anymore...and who should i see an email from but THAT person. Instant shock...Tears.....the emotions ran the gamut...i couldn't initially even respond...but i did in fact...but even in doing so was struck by the fact that everything from that point forward seemed to be happening in some type of dream state....or a sense of unreal....like it was happening but not ?
A few things to say about this person.....
One, he is extremely addicted to me for some reason...This i have never been able to figure out and i have never had anyone react that way to me so i am at a loss on this....based on the previous interactions we had it wasnt so much sexual because there wasnt a whole lot of that going on in the first place and in fact nothing was ever "consummated" so why this addiction/attraction...i have no idea...
Two...this would all be perfect except for one thing...those of you who read this and know me well know what that is...i will leave it to everyone else's imagination... which leads us to thing number 3
He is as addicted/attracted as he was to me four years ago...
Which leaves me wondering should i try moving to alaska this time...or even better why can't i have this effect on people who are not in such "complicated" situations....
Oh that's right i remember why......Love...its the great equalizer and the one thing you can count on NOT to ever make complete logical sense.....
Great to see nothing's changed with regards to that in my life...
more on this later...
You never can fully rest with a child fighting cancer. You never can fully let that breath out because if you do it's guaranteed something else will come up. This is what happened when Dante finally went away to college. I foolishly believed once he got there i could let that "breath" out but I was wrong. He wasn't even there a week when he took ill had a bad bout of nausea and had to be rushed to the emergency room. I got the message from the doctor as i was literally coming into the door of my home and had to turn right back around and run to penn station and try and catch a train into Philadelphia.
I wound up getting to the 30th street station at 11PM that night...i got up to see dante not too long after...although it was real dicey that time of night around there not many people and a lot of highway type streets....i toyed with the idea of walking to the hospital from there but decided finally to get a cab...praying that i would not get stranded with no way back home...
I got to the hospital and they had him in ICU...he looked like he had lost about at least ten pounds...he's never really looked sad when i have seen him but it took me back to the summer of 2004 when he was in icu all summer...I looked at all the iv machines and the a-line machine and felt like i had been swept up into some horrible deja vu. He was really sleepy when i first got there and basically kept nodding off although he did wake up long enough to see i was there....
Since there were no extra "beds" in the ICU unit, they only could give me some blankets and i had to fashion a bed of sorts out of two chairs...which in hindsight i need not have bothered with....Dante's A-line monitor kept going off and the way the chair was positioned i would wake up staring at the numbers and feel my heart pounding in my chest - i felt like i was going to have a heart attack myself a few times waking up and seeing pressure readings of 255 over 130 - needless to say sleep was not really going to happen that night.
They put him on a liquid diet later the next day which he tolerated well and they decided to then later that day if he had no more nausea to discharge him. Which ultimately they did.
I dropped him by his dorm room and also went by 7 eleven with him to grab a quick bite and then i headed back out of philly and back into the city....i got back that night after nine and i turned around and went to work the very next day. No sleep till brooklyn...no sleep in brooklyn for that matter either.
