Another weekend comes to a close and as night falls so do the tears. Slowly and in singular fashion. No relief in numbers as the pain that caused them also refuses to let them flow freely.
As I contemplate my son and his battle, literally for his life right now..My mind can't even conceive the enormity of what is going on now and what will go on in the next few days. It is too much. I see what others don't. The determination on his part not to succumb to his circumstances, the refusal to accept anything other than what he has put before himself. His fight to keep it together in order to finish out his school year and to attend his graduation. My God how it just cuts me so deeply to see this child keeping this brave face, knowing that he's facing surgery yet again. Each time he gets a pain or sneezes or anything you get a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. Which you cannot give voice to. AT this time in his life when he should be rejoicing and celebrating his accomplishments and his successes, he is instead fighting to stay alive and to beat the cancer that somehow came back and now is causing him to have to undergo another round of surgery. Ironically two days after his graduation.
The last week or so has been incredibly difficult as he has had bouts of pain and bleeding and has had to rush to the hospital on two occaisions, each time wondering if they were going to admit him and do the surgery on the spot.
For the record there has not been any medical indication so far that they need to do surgery sooner than the June 29th date they already have on tap for him. CT scans and soon another MIBG scan aside they are just pinpointing what they already know. That the small area left behind in the last surgery needs to be removed. The cells are starting to grow again and they need to take out as much as possible and this time, treat him afterwards.
No one understands what I would give to have my son healthy and whole and not have to go through all this. My life I would hand over without so much as a murmur if I could take all this from him I would. But life is not so simple and this is nowhere near that simple. A sacrifice while noble, would make no difference at all in his circumstances. AS a parent, one who is looked to for answers and for guidance, all i can do is pray...and keep my tears to myself.
The ache that I have in my heart has no words that can explain it. The pain that I feel for this child....is unbearable and yet I have no choice but to bear it. The hurt in my heart is so deep and yet I know that come the dawn I have to get up, get showered, get dressed, and face another day. Minus the tears that only come at night...when I am alone and allow myself for a moment to think and feel. There is no greater hurt or pain than to see your own child suffer and know that there is not one damn thing that you can do about it.
And to mitigate all this, not one blessed thing, not one blessed soul. IT is the way I am told with this type of situation, people do not know what to say or what to do so they do nothing. My phone sits silent most nights. Save calls from coaches regarding their players or tournaments or other basketball erratta. No calls come in asking how I am or even more importantly if there is anything they can do or if they can help me with anything. I bear this all alone. If not for God's mercy I have no idea how I would continue to manage. Yet I do
If someone had told me years ago that I would be at this point with my child...fresh on the heels of unbelievable betrayal. Not even given the moment to refresh from one but the two merging like an evil dark black hole...from which i fight every day to stay out of.
Weary I may be, and yet i continue not knowing anything else to do but move forward.
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