The one thing that I would most want back is the one thing that is impossible to obtain. Even if possible, the conditions that existed at that time would preclude me from being so incredibly selfish as to want it back “as is”. So I live with a whole in my heart the size of the states of Texas and California combined.
This question is so good I will have to answer it twice. Just one of those things where answers in this instance, just jumped right up and said me me me.
On April 12 2007, I lost the one thing in my life that meant everything. I lost my reason for fighting, and I lost my best friend and buddy. The one thing that kept me grounded and that allowed me to take life’s hard knocks without flinching was in an instant, gone. My only child, my son, went into surgery to remove the remainders of a tumor that had been operated on previously and never made it out of surgery.
I struggle now to put into words exactly what I lost. Titles, while descriptive don’t begin to cover the enormous hole that was put in my heart and my life with his passing. At the age of 19, and a sophomore in college, poised to start an internship with one of the leading engineering firms in Pennsylvania in an instant it all vanished. Leaving me to try to understand what next? Where do I go from there? What direction is my life to go in now? What do I do?
Three years later and I still haven’t figured out the answers. The degree of difficulty in dealing with this scenario is about 200+.
With all the self help, books, so-called experts and assorted gurus, no one has seriously addressed the issue of losing one’s only child. No one has addressed the issue of losing one’s only child and having no family. It’s almost like you are supposed to disappear or maybe die too ?
People can’t deal with YOUR loss so they tend not to deal with you once they realize what the situation is. I actually have had people tell me that they backed away (stopped calling etc.) because they didn’t know what to say to me. So you see that Hallmark moment thingy where the person suffers a loss and everyone rallies around that person – is just that a Hallmark moment.
I am not so selfish as to want my son back with his illness and still fighting the health issues he was. But I would like my life back, any life back. A major piece of my world was removed all of a sudden, and a cavernous hole placed in my heart. I would love to at least feel like it COULD be filled, or is in the process of filling up. Simply said I would like my life back, or at least to be able to figure out what to do with the life that I have left. From the time he was diagnosed to the time he passed away that whole block of my life passed in a blur of hospital rooms, doctors, tests and procedures.
Clearly I can’t get back that time, unless someone has a spare Delorean with a Flux capacitor that they are willing to let me borrow for a few.